Robert Asprin Mything Persons

Chapter One:

This Ace Book contains the complete

text of the original trade edition.

It has been completely reset in a typeface

designed for easy reading and was printed

from new film.

MYTH-ING PERSONS

An Ace book / published by arrangement with

Starblaze Editions of the Donning Company/Publishers

PRINTING HISTORY

Donning edition published 1984

Ace edition / November 1986

All rights reserved.

Copyright #169; 1984 by Robert L. Asprin.

Cover art by Walter Velez.

This book may not be reproduced in whole or in part,

by mimeograph or any other means, without permission.

For information address: The Donning Company/Publishers,

5659 Virginia Beach Blvd., Norfolk, Virginia 23502.

ISBN: 0-441-55276-5

Ace Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group,

200 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10016.

The name "ACE" and the "A" logo

are trademarks belonging to Charter Communications, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

10 9 8 7

"Reputations are fine up to a point. After

that they become a pain!"

#8212;D.JUAN

THERE is something sinfully satisfying about doing

something you know you aren't supposed to. This was

roughly my frame of mind as I approached a specific

nondescript tent at the Bazaar at Deva with my break-

fast under my arm ... guilty, but smug.

"Excuse me, young sahr!"

I turned to find an elderly Deveel waving desperately

at me as he hurried forward. Normally I would have

avoided the encounter, as Deveels are always selling

something and at the moment I wasn't buying, but since

I wasn't in a hurry I decided to hear what he had to say.

"I'm glad I caught you in time," he said, struggling

to catch his breath. "While I don't usually meddle, you

really don't want to go in there!"

"Why not? I was just...."

"Do you know who lives there?"

"Well, actually I thought...."

"That is the dwelling of the Great Skeeve!"

Robert Asprin

Something about this busybody irritated me. Maybe

it was the way he never let me finish a sentence. Any-

way, I decided to string him along for a while."

"The Great Skeeve?"

"You never heard of him?" The Deveel seemed gen-

uinely shocked. "He's probably the most powerful

magician at the Bazaar."

My opinion of the busybody soared to new heights,

but the game was too much fun to abandon.

"I've never had too much faith in magicians," I said

with studied casualness. "I've found for the most part

their powers are overrated."

The oldster rolled his eyes in exasperation.

"That may be true in most cases, but not when it

comes to the Great Skeeve! Did you know he consorts

with Demons and has a dragon for a familiar?"

I favored him with a worldly smile.

"So what? Deva is a crossroads of the dimensions.

Dimension travelers, or Demons as you call them, are

the norm around here. As a Deveel, your main liveli-

hood comes from dealing with Demons. As for the

dragon, there's a booth not eight rows from here that

sells dragons to anyone with the price.''

"No, no! You don't understand! Of course we all

deal with Demons when it comes to business. The dif-

ference is that this Skeeve is actually friends with them

... invites them into his home and lives with them. One

of his permanent house guests is a Pervert, and I don't

know of a single Deveel who would stoop that low.

What's more, I've heard it said that he has underworld

connections."

The game was growing tiresome. Any points the

Deveel had made with his tribute to the Great Skeeve

had been lost with interest when he started commenting

on Demons.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 3

"Well, thank you for your concern," I said, holding

out my hand for a handshake. "I promise you I'll re-

member everything you've said. What was your name

again?"

The Deveel grabbed my hand and began pumping it

vigorously.

"I am Aliman, and glad to be of assistance," he said

with an ingratiating smile. "If you really want to show

your gratitude, remember my name. Should you ever be

in need of a reputable magician, I have a nephew who's

just getting started in the business. I'm sure we could ar-

range some discount prices for you. Tell me, what is

your name so I can tell him who to watch for?"

I tightened my grip slightly and gave him my widest

smile. "Well, my friends call me Skeeve."

"I'll be sure to tell... SKEEVE?"

The Deveel's eyes widened, and his complexion faded

from red to a delicate pink.

"That's right," I said, retaining my grip on his hand.

"Oh, and for your information Demons from Perv are

called Pervects, not Perverts... and he's not my house

guest, he's my partner."

The Deveel was struggling desperately now, trying to

free his hand.

"Now then, how many customers have you scared

away from my business with your tales about what a

fearsome person I am? "

The Deveel tore loose from my grip and vanished into

the crowds, sounding an incoherent scream of terror as

he went. In short, Aliman left. Right?

I watched him go with a certain amount of mischie-

vous satisfaction. I wasn't really angry, mind you. We

literally had more money than we could use right now,

so I didn't begrudge him the customers. Still, I had

never really paused to consider how formidable our

4 Robert Asprin

operation must look from the outside. Viewing it now

through a stranger's eyes, I found myself more than a

little pleased. Considering the dubious nature of my

beginning, we had built ourselves quite a reputation

over the last few years.

I had been serious when I told Aliman that I didn't

have much faith in magicians. My own reputation was

overrated to say the least, and if I was being billed as a

powerful magician, it made the others of my profession

more than a little suspect in my eyes. After several years

of seeing the inside of the magic business, I was starting

to wonder if any magician was really as good as people

thought.

I was so wrapped up in these thoughts as I entered our

humble tent that I had completely forgotten that I was

suppoised to be sneaking in. I was reminded almost im-

mediately.

The reminder came in the form of a huge man who

loomed up to block my path. "Boss," he said in a

squeaky little voice that was always surprising coming

from such a huge body, "you shouldn't ought to go out

alone like that. How many times we got to tell you...."

"It's all right, Nunzio," I said, trying to edge around

him. "I just ducked out to get some breakfast. Want a

bagel?"

Nunzio was both unconvinced and undaunted in his

scolding.

"How are we supposed to be your bodyguards if you

keep sneaking off alone every chance you get? Do you

know what Don Bruce would do to us if anything hap-

pened to you?"

"C'mon, Nunzio. You know how things are here at

the Bazaar. If the Deveels see me with a bodyguard, the

price of everything goes through the ceiling. Besides, I

MYTH-ING PERSONS 5

like being able to wander around on my own once in a

while."

"You can afford the higher prices. What you can't

afford is to set yourself up as a target for every bozo

who wants the rep of bagging the Great Skeeve."

I started to argue, but my conversation with Aliman

flashed across my mind. Nunzio was right. There were

two sides to having a reputation. If anyone believed the

rumors at the Bazaar and still meant me harm, they

would muster such firepower for the attempt that my

odds for survival would be nonexistent.

"Nunzio," I said slowly, "you may be right, but in

all honesty what could you and Guido do to stop a

magical attack on me?"

"Not a thing," he said calmly. "But they'd probably

try to knock off your bodyguards first, and that might

give you time to get away or hit them yourself before

they could muster a second attack."

He said it easily, like you or I might say "The sun

rises in the east," but it shook me. It had never really

occurred to me how expendable bodyguards are, or how

readily they accept the dangers of their profession.

"I'll try to remember that in the future," I said with a

certain degree of grave humility. "What's more, I think

I owe you and Guido an apology. Where is Guido,

anyway?"

"Upstairs arguing with His Nibbs," Nunzio grinned.

"As a matter of fact, I was looking for you to break it

up when I found you had snuck out again."

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"What for? There's no rush. They'll be arguing until

you get there. I figured it was more important to con-

vince you to quit going out alone."

I groaned a little inside, but I had learned long ago the

6 Robert Asprin

futility of arguing priorities with Nunzio.

"Well, thanks again for the advice, but I'd better get

upstairs before those two kill each other."

With that I headed across the courtyard for the foun-

tain stairs to our offices....

Courtyard? Fountain stairs?

What happened to the humble tent I was walking into

a minute ago?

Weelll... I said I was a magician, didn't I? Our little

stall at the Bazaar is bigger on the inside than it is on the

outside. Lots bigger. I've lived in royal palaces that

weren't as big as our "humble tent." I can't take any

credit for this particular miracle, though, other than the

fact that it was my work that helped earn us our current

residence. We live here rent-free courtesy of the Devan

Merchants Association as partial payment for a little

job we did for them a while back. That's also how I got

my bodyguards ... but that's another story,

Devan Merchants Association, you ask? Okay. For

the uninitiated, I'll go over this just once. The dimen-

sion I'm currently residing in is Deva, home of the

shrewdest deal-drivers in all the known dimensions. You

may have heard of them. In my own home dimension

they were called devils, but I have since learned the

proper pronunciation is Deveels. Anyway, my gracious

living quarters are the result of my partner and I beating

the Deveels at their own game ... which is to say we got

the better of them in a deal. Don't tell anyone, though.

It would ruin their reputation and maybe even cost me a

cushy spot. You see, they still don't know they've been

had.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Heading for the of-;

fices. Normally after sneaking out 1 would stop by the

stables to share breakfast with Gleep, but with a crisis

on my hands I decided to forgo the pleasure of my pet's

MYTH-ING PERSONS 7

company and get to work. Gleep. He's the dragon

Aliman was talking about... and I'm not going to try

to condense that story. It's just too complicated.

Long before I reached the offices I could hear their

voices raised in their favorite "song." The lyrics

changed from time to time, but I knew the melody by

heart.

"Incompetent bungler!"

"Who are you calling an incomplete bungler?"

"I stand corrected. You are a complete bungler!"

"You better watch your mouth! Even if you are the

boss's partner, one more word and I'll...."

"You'll what? If you threw a punch the safest place

to be would be where you're aiming."

"Izzatso?"

It sounded like I had arrived in the nick of time. Tak-

ing a deep breath, I casually strolled into the teeth of the

fracas.

"Hi, guys." I pretended to be totally unaware of

what was going on. "Anyone want a bagel?"

"No, I don't want a bagel!" came the sneering re-

sponse from one combatant. "What I want is some de-

cent help."

"... and while you're at it see what you can do about

getting me a little respect!" the other countered.

The latter comment came from Guido, senior of my

two bodyguards. If anything, he's bigger and nastier

than his cousin Nunzio.

The former contribution came from Aahz. Aahz is

my partner. He's also a demon, a Pervect to be exact,

and even though he's slightly shorter than I am, he's

easily twice as nasty as my two bodyguards put together.

My strategy had worked in that I now had their an-

noyance focused on me instead of each other. Now,

realizing the potential devastation of their respective

8 Robert Asprin

temperaments individually, much less collectively, I had

cause to doubt the wisdom of my strategy.

"What seems to be the trouble?"

"The trouble," Aahz snarled, "is that your ace ;

bodyguard here just lost us a couple of clients."

My heart sank. I mentioned earlier that Aahz and I

have more money than we know what to do with, but

old habits die hard. Aahz is the tightest being I've ever

met when it comes to money, and, living at the Bazaar |

at Deva, that's saying something! If Guido had really :

lost a potential customer, we'd be hearing about it for a i

long time. I

"Ease up a minute, partner," I said more to stall for

time than anything else. "I just got here, remember?

Could you fill me in on a few of the details?"

Aahz favored Guido with one more dark stare. I

"There's not all that much to tell," he said. "I was in

the middle of breakfast..."

"He was drinking another meal," Guido translated

scornfully.

"... when mush-f or-brains here bellows up that there

are some customers waiting downstairs in reception. I

called back that I'd be down in a few, then finished my

meal."

"He kept them waiting at least half an hour. You

can't expect customers to...."

"Guido, could you hold the editorial asides for one

round? Please?" I interceded before Aahz could go for

him. "I'm still trying to get a rough idea of what hap-

pened, remember? Okay, Aahz. You were saying?"

Aahz took a deep breath, then resumed his account.

"Anyway, when I got downstairs, the customers were

nowhere to be seen. You'd think your man here would

be able to stall them or at least have the sense to call for

reinforcements if they started getting twitchy."

MYTH-ING PERSONS

"C'mon, Aahz. Guido is supposed to be a body-

guard, not a receptionist. If some customers got tired of

waiting for you to show up and left, I don't see where

you can dodge the blame by shifting it to...."

"Wait a minute. Boss. You're missing the point.

They didn't leave!"

"Come again?"

"I left 'em there in the reception room, and the next

thing I know Mr. Mouth here is hollerin' at me for los-

ing customers. They never came out! Now, like you say,

I'm supposed to be a bodyguard. By my figuring we've

got some extra people wandering the premises, and all

this slob wants to do is yell about whose fault it is."

"I know whose fault it is," Aahz said with a glare.

"There are only two ways out of that reception room,

and they didn't come past me!"

"Well they didn't come past me!" Guido countered.

I started to get a very cold feeling in my stomach.

"Aahz, "I said softly.

"If you think I don't know when...."

"AAHZ!"

That brought him up short. He turned to me with an

angry retort on his lips, then he saw my expression.

"What is it, Skeeve? You look as if...."

"There are more than two ways out of that room."

We stared at each other in stunned silence for a few

moments, then we both sprinted for the reception room,

leaving Guido to trail along behind.

The room we had selected for our reception area was

one of the largest in the place, and the only large room

with easy access from the front door. It was furnished in

a style lavish enough to impress even those customers

spoiled by the wonders of the Bazaar who were expect-

ing to see the home office of a successful magician.

There was only one problem with it, and that was the

10

Robert Asprin

focus of our attention as we dashed in.

The only decoration that we had kept from the previ-

ous owners was an ornate tapestry hanging on the north

wall. Usually I'm faster than Aahz, but this time he beat

me to the hanging, sweeping it aside with his arm to re-

veal a heavy door behind it.

Our worst fears were realized.

The door was unlocked and standing ajar.