"Asprin, Robert - Myth 09 - M.Y.T.H Inc. In Action" - читать интересную книгу автора (Asprin Robert)

"What do you mean my characters talk funny?"
D. RUNYON

It is INDEED a privilege to be included in a war-type council, regardless of what war it is or who in specific is also attendin'. Only the very elite are involved, which is to say those who will be furthest from the actual fightin', as such gatherin's are usually concerned with which portions of one's forces are expendable, and exactly how and when they are to be expended. Since it is demoralizin' for those who are to be dropped into the meat grinder to know they ha been chosen as "designated receivers," they are logically excluded from the proceeding, seein' as how if they are made aware of their roles in advance, they are apt to take it on the lam rather than dutifully expiring on schedule, thereby botchin' up many hours of plannin' on both sides of the dispute in question. From this, it is easy to see that attendin' these borin' but necessary plannin' sessions is not only an honor, it greatly improves one's chances of bein' alive at the end of the fracas. To get killed in a battle one has had a hand in settin' the strategies for is an indication that one's plannin' abilities are sorely lackin' and will count heavily against youse when bein' considered for future engagements.

In this particular circumstantial, however, it was no special honor to be included in the plannin' session, as our entire force consisted of a mere five personages... Six if you count the Boss's dragon. Needless to say, none of us was inclined to think of ourselves as fallin' into the "expendable" category. Realizin', however, that we was supposed to be trying to stop a renegade Queen with a sizable mob of army-types at her disposal, one was not inclined to make book on our chances for survival... Unless, of course, one was offered irresistible odds and maybe a decent point spread. While there wasn't all that many of us, I, for one, had no co MPlaints with the quality of our troops.

Tananda and Chumley are a sister and brother, Trollop and Troll team. While they are some of the nicest people it has ever been my pleasure to encounter, either of them is also as capable as any five knee-breakers ever e MPloyed by the mob if they find it necessary to be unpleasant. In the boss's absence, they have taken it on themselves to be the leaders of our expedition... An arrangement which suits me fine.

You see, my cousin Nunzio and me is far more comfort able takin' orders than givin' them. This is a habit we have acquired workin' for the mob, where the less you know about why an order is bein' givin', the better off you are... particularly if at a later point you should be called upon to explain your actions under oath. (for those of youse who have failed to read about our activities in the earlier books in this series and are therefore ignorant as to our identities and modus operandi, our job description refers to us as "collection specialists"... Which is a polite way of sayin' we're kneecappers.)

The fifth member of our little strike force is Massha... And if that name alone is not sufficient to summon forth an identifyin' image in your mind, then it is obvious you have not yet met this particular individual in the flesh. You see, Massha has a singularly unique appearance which is unlikely to be mistaken for anyone el se, though she might, perhaps, be mistaken for some- thing else... like maybe a dinosaurous if said saurous was bein' used as a travelin' display for a make-up and jewelry trade show. What I am tryin' to say is that Massha is both very big and very colorful, but in the interest of brevity I will spa re you the analogous type co MParisons. What is i MPortant is that as big and as tough as she is, Massha has a heart even bigger than her dress size.

We had been holdin' the start of our meetin' until she got back from drop pin' the boss off on Perv, which she had just Done, so now we are ready to commence the procedin's.

"So you're tellin' me you think King Rodrick was whacked by Queen Hemlock? That's why Skeeve sent you all here?"

This is Big Julie talkin'. While me and Nunzio have never met this particular individual before, we have heard of his reputation from the days when he also worked for the mob, and it seems he and the boss are old friends and that he's one of our main sources for information and adv ice in this dimension. In any case, we are usin' his villa as a combination meetin' point and base of operations for this caper.

"That's right, " Tananda sez." Hemlock's always been big on world conquest, and it looks like her new husband wouldn't go along with her schemes."

"Realizing she now has the combined power of her kingdoms' money and the military might of your old army, " Chumley adds, "It occurred to Skeeve that she might be te MPted to try to... Shall we say, expand her holdings a bit. Anyway, he asked us to pop over and see first hand what was happening."

"I see, " Big Julie nods, sippin' thoughtfully at his wine." To tell you the truth, it never occurred to me that the king's dyin' was a little too convenient to be accidental. I'm a little surprised, though, that Skeeve isn't checkin' this out himself. Nothin' personal, but he never used to be too good at delegatin'."

"He's busy, " Massha sez, cuttin' it short like a casino pit boss.

Tananda shoots her a look then leans forward, puttin' a comfortin' hand on her knee.

"He'll be all right, Massha. Really."

Massha makes a face, then heaves one of her big sighs.

"I know. I'd just feel a lot better if he let a couple of us tag along, is all. I mean, that is Perv he's wandering around in. They've never been noted for their hospitality."

"Perv?" Big Julie scowls." Isn't that where that weirdo Aahz is from?"

"Where he's from, and where he's gone" Chumley supplies. "He and Skeeve had a falling out, and friend Aahz has quit the team. Skeeve has gone after him to try to bring him back... Which leaves us to deal with Queen Hemlock. So tell us, Jules, what's the old girl been up to lately?"

"Well, I'll admit there's been a lot of activity since the king died, " Julie admits." The army's been on the move almost constantly, and both they and the kingdom are getting notice ably bigger... know what I mean? It's kinda like the old days when I was running the army, only on a bigger scale. I get a postcard from one of the boys sayin' how they're visitin' a new country, than ga-bing-ga-bang that country's suddenly a new part of Possiltum."

"I see, " the troll sez thoughtfully. "Well, what do you think, little sister? You're the only one here who was along the last time Skeeve stopped this particular army."

"Not quite. You're forgetting that Gleep was there... And, of course, Big Julie" she winks at that notable who responds with a gracious half bow. Gleep, the boss's dragon, raises his head and looks around at the mention of his name, then sighs and goes back to sleep.

"'course, I was on the other side last time, " Big Julie sez, "but it occurs to me that you got your work cut out for you this time around."

"How so?"

"Well, last time we was the invaders, you know? The locals didn't like us, even though they didn't take much of a hand in the resistance Skeeve organized. This time, though, the army is the home team, and folks in the kingdom are pretty much behind 'em all the way."