"Braun, Lilian Jackson - The Cat Who 004 - The Cat Who Saw Red" - читать интересную книгу автора (Braun Lillian Jackson)

THE CAT WHO SAW RED.

LILIAN JACKSON BRAUN.

Jim Qwilleran slumped in a chair in the Press Club dining room, his six-feet-two telescoped into a picture of dejection and his morose expression intensified by the droop of his oversized mustache.

His depression had nothing to do with the price of mixed drinks, which had gone up ten cents. It had nothing to do with the dismal lightning, or the gloomy wood paneling, or the Monday mustiness that blended FridayТs fish and SaturdayТs beer with the body odor of an old building that had once been the county jail. Qwilleran had been stunned by bad news of a more vital nature.

The prize-winning feature writer of the Daily Fluxion and the newspaperТs foremost connoisseur of sixteen-ounce steaks and apple pie р la mode was reading, with horror and dismay, a list printed on a bilious shade of green paper.

Across the table Arch Riker, the FluxionТs feature editor, said: УWhatТs everybody going to eat today? I see theyТve got potato pancakes on the menu.Ф

Qwilleran continued to stare at the sheet of green paper, adjusting his new reading glasses on his nose as if he couldnТt believe they were telling him the truth.

Odd Bunsen, Fluxion photographer, lit a cigar. УIТm having pea soup and short ribs and an order of hash browns. But first I want a double martini.Ф

In silence Qwilleran finished reading his incredible document and stared again at the top of the list:

NO POTATOES.
NO BREAD.
NO CREAM SOUPS.
NO FRIED FOODS.

Riker, who had the comfortably upholstered contours of a newspaper deskman, said: УI want something light. Chicken and dumplings, I guess, and coleslaw with sour cream. What are you having, Qwill?Ф

NO GRAVY.
NO SOUR CREAM.
NO DESSERTS.

Qwilleran squirmed in his chair and gave his fellow staffers a vinegary smirk. УIТm having cottage cheese and half a radish.Ф

УYou must be sick,Ф Bunsen said.

УDoc Beane told me to lose thirty pounds.Ф

УWell, youТre reaching that flaky age,Ф the photographer said cheerfully. He was younger and thinner and could afford to be philosophical.

In a defensive gesture Qwilleran stroked his large black mustache, now noticeably flecked with gray. He folded his glasses and put them in his breast pocket, handling them gingerly.

Riker, buttering a roll, looked concerned. УHow come you went to the doctor, Qwill?Ф

УI was referred by a veterinarian.Ф Qwilleran fumbled for his tobacco pouch and started to fill his voluptuously curved pipe. УYou see, I took Koko and Yum Yum to the vet to have their teeth cleaned. Did you ever try to pry open the mouth of a Siamese cat? They think itТs an outrageous invasion of privacy.Ф

УWish IТd been there with a movie camera,Ф Bunsen said.

УWhen Koko realized what we had in mind, he turned into something like a fur tornado. The vet got him around the neck, an assistant grabbed his legs, and I hung on to his tail, but Koko turned inside out. Next thing we knew, he was off the table and headed for the kennel room, with two vets and a kennel boy chasing him around the cages. Dogs barking, cats having fits, people yelling! Koko landed on top of the air conditioner, eight feet off the floor, and looked down and gave us apiece of his mind. And if youТve never been cursed out by a Siamese, you donТt know what profanity is all about!Ф

УI know!Ф said Bunsen. УThat catТs got a voice like an ambulance siren.Ф

УAfter that episode I was bushed, and the vet said I needed a physical checkup more than the cats needed a dental prophylaxis. IТve been short of breath lately, so I took his advice and went to Doc Beane.Ф