"Dickson, Gordon R - Soldier Ask Not" - читать интересную книгу автора (Dickson Gordon R)

"You can fix him! Damn it"Чthe old man's voice rang like a steeple bell, but it was hoarse to the point of tearsЧ"on the Exotics you can heal him!" Padma shook his head.
"No," he said. "No one can help him but himself. He's not ill or crippled. He's only railed to de-
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velop. Once, some time when he was young, he must have turned away from people into some dark, solitary valley of his own, and over the years that valley's grown deeper and darker and more narrow, until now no one can get down there beside him to help him through it. No other mind could go through it and surviveЧmaybe even his can't. But until he does and comes out the other end, he's no good to you or the Encyclopedia; and all it represents for men on Earth and elsewhere. Not only is he no good, he wouldn't take your job if you offered it to him. Look at him."
The pressure of his gaze all this time, the low, steady utterance of his words, like small stones dropped one after the other into a calm, but bottomless pool of water, had held me paralyzed even while he talked about me as if I were not there. But with his last three words, the pressure from him let up; and I found myself free to speak.
"You hypnotized me!" I flung at him. "I didn't give you any permission to put me underЧto psychoanalyze me!"
Padma shook his head.
"No one hypnotized you," he answered. "I just opened a window for you to your own inner awareness. And I didn't psychoanalyze you."
"Then what was itЧ" I checked myself, abruptly wary.
"Whatever you saw and felt," he said, "were your own awarenesses and feelings translated into your own symbols. And what those were IVe no ideaЧ and no way of rinding out, unless you tell me."
"Then how did you make up your mind to whatever it was you decided here?" I snarled at him.
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"You decided it fast enough. How'd you find out whatever it was made you decide?''
"From you," he answered. "Your looks, your actions, your voice as you talk to me now. A dozen other unconscious signals. These tell me, Tarn. A human being communicates with his whole body and being, not just his voice, or his facial expression."
"I don't believe it!" I flaredЧand then my fury suddenly cooled as caution came on me with the certainty that indeed there must be grounds, even if I could not figure them out at the moment, for my not believing it. "I don't believe it," I repeated, more calmly and coldly. "There had to be more going into your decision than that."
"Yes," he said. "Of course. I had a chance to check the records here. Your personal history, like that of everyone Earthborn who's alive at this moment, is already in the Encyclopedia. I looked at that before I came in."
"More," I said grimly, for I felt I had him on the run now. "There was more to it even than that. I can tell. I know it!"
"Yes," answered Padma and breathed out softly. "Having been through this much, you'd know it, I suppose. In any case, you'd learn it soon enough by yourself." He lifted his eyes to focus squarely on mine, but this time I found myself facing him without any feeling of inferiority.
"It happens, Tarn," he said, "that you're what we call an Isolate, a rare pivotal force in the shape of a single individualЧa pivotal force in the evolving pattern of human society, not just on Earth, but on all the sixteen worlds, in their road to Man's future.
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You're a man with a terrible capability for affecting that futureЧfor good or ill."
At his words my hands remembered the feel of their grasp on the lightning; and I waited, holding my breath to hear more. But he did not go on.
"AndЧ" I prompted harshly, at last.
"There is no 'and,' " said Padma. "That's all there is to it. Have you ever heard of ontogenetics?"
I shook my head.
* 'It's a name for one of our Exotic calculative techniques," he said. "Briefly, there's a continually evolving pattern of events in which all living human beings are caught up. In mass, the strivings and desires of these individuals determine the direction of growth of the pattern into the ftiture. But, again as individuals only, nearly all people are more acted upon, than act effectively upon the pattern."
He paused, staring at me, as if asking me if I had understood him so far. I had understoodЧoh, I had understood. But I would not let him know that.
"Go on," I said.
"Only now and then, in the case of some rare individual," he continued, "do we find a particular combination of factorsЧof character and the individual's position within the patternЧthat combined make him inconceivably more effective than his fellows. When this happens, as in your case, we have an Isolate, a pivotal character, one who has great freedom to act upon the pattern, while being acted upon only to a relatively small degree, himself."
He stopped again. And this time he folded his hands. The gesture was final and I took a deep breath to calm my racing heart.
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"So," I said. "I've got all thisЧand still you don't want me for whatever it is you want me?"
"Mark wants you to take over from him, eventually, as Controller, building the Encyclopedia," said Padma. "So do we, on the Exotics. For the Encyclopedia is such a device that its full purpose and use, when completed, can only be conceived of by rare individuals; and that conception can only be continually translated into common terms, by a unique individual. Without Mark, or someone like him to see its construction through at least until it is moved into space, the common run of humanity will lose the vision of the Encyclopedia's capabilities when it's finished. The work on it will run into misunderstandings and frustrations. It will slow down, finally stall, and then fall apart."
He paused and looked at me, almost grimly.
"It will never be built," he said, "unless a successor for Mark is found. And without it, Earth-born man may dwindle and die. And if Earth-born man goes, the human strains of the younger worlds may not be viable. But none of this matters to you, does it? Because it's you who don't want us, not the other way around."
He stared across the room with eyes that burned with a hazel flame against me.
"You don't want us," he repeated slowly. "Do you, Tarn?"
I shook off the impact of his gaze. But in the same moment I understood what he was driving at, and knew he was right. In that same moment I had seen myself seated in the chair at the console before me, chained there by a sense of duty for the rest of my
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days. No, I did not want them, or their works, on Encyclopedia or anywhere else. I wanted none of it.
Had I worked this hard, this long, to escape Ma-thias, only to throw everything aside and become a slave to helpless peopleЧall those in that great mass of the human race who were too weak to fight the lightning for themselves? Should I give up the prospect of my own power and freedom to work for the misty promise of freedom for them, somedayЧfor them, who could not earn that freedom for themselves, as I could earn my own, and had? No, I would notЧI would not, I would have no part of them, of Torre or his Encyclopedia!
"No!" I said harshly. And Mark Torre made a faint, rattling sound deep in his throat, like a dying echo of the wounded grunt he had given earlier.
"No. That's right," said Padma, nodding. "You see, as I said, you've got no empathyЧno soul."
"Soul?" I said. "What's that?"
"Can I describe the color of gold to a man blind from birth?" His eyes were brilliant upon me. "You'll know it if you find itЧbut you'll find it only if you can fight your way through that valley I mentioned. If you come through that, finally, then maybe you'll find your human soul. You'll know it when you find it."