"George Alec Effinger - Maureen Birnbaum in the MUD" - читать интересную книгу автора (Effinger George Alec)

wow, I've traipsed into another literary allusion." I was all set for Casey at the Bat and
baseball. Girlfriend, was I ever wrong.

Imagine, if you will, Our Hero entering the first of the five shops of sticks. A tinkling be
announced my arrival-further oddness, on account of there was no actual door for the bell t
tinkle on. I turned around and saw what was probably the shopkeeper's teenage son, a gawk
kid with a face so broken out it looked like a Hayden Planetarium sky show in Technicolor
was crouched beside the entrance with a little bell and a little hammer. Hey, what the hell,
was learning the trade and you got to start someplace, I guess.

The guy behind the counter goes, "Welcome to Scrupulously Honest and Fair Fred's Arm
Emporium. May I help you?"

"Are you Scrupulously Honest and Fair Fred?"

"No, he's sick today. I'm his brother, Aethelraed, but never fear, dear lady, I am also
scrupulously honest and fair. Pretty much."

"Uh huh," I go, "and don't call me 'dear lady.'"

"May I show you our wares? We just got in a very nice tarnhelm, nearly mint condition.
previous owner came to a sorry end guarding a hoard."

"Bummer," I go. "So like it didn't do that owner a hell of a lot of good. Not a terrific
recommendation for the tarnhelm. Still, let me take a look. How much are you asking for it?

The merchant smiled broadly. "Just three thousand pieces of gold. A wonderful deal. Sh
wrap it for you or will you wear it?"

Well, Bitsy, I had a twenty-dollar bill stuffed in my right bra cup and a one-dollar bill
stuffed in the left. 0f course, for emergencies I had a charge card tucked in my G-string. I
thought three thousand pieces of gold sounded rand of steep for a tarnhelm-it's magic, Bitsy
turns you into whatever shape you want. I see 'em all the time-and I didn't know if this goni
could relate to Daddy's AmEx plastic. Sure, no matter where I go in the Known Universe, th
speak English-isn't that neat?-but sometimes their medium of exchange is edible roots and n
dollars.

So like anyway, just as I was about to make a totally withering reply, what do I hear
but-wait for it-my mother's voice behind me-not Pammy, Daddy's babe/wife, but like my ac
mother, who I haven't heard from in months. Okay, so I haven't been around much myself, bu
I'd just assumed Mom had disappeared under a mountain of mah-jongg tiles in Miami Beac
someplace. And she goes, "So is that worthless piece-of-trash tarnhelm still under warranty
Miss Buy-The-First-Thing-You-See?"

I turned around and just stood there, blinking like an idiot. I didn't know what to say to h
go, "Mom? What are you doing here?"

She shrugged. "Shopping. That's a crime now?"

I opened my mouth and closed it again, you know, like dumbfounded. Finally I go, "You