In the early afternoon of his
fourth day out of sadness, Jamil was wandering home from the gardens at
the centre of Noether when he heard shouts from the playing field behind
the library. On the spur of the moment, without even asking the city what
game was in progress, he decided to join in.
As he rounded the corner and the field came into view, it was
clear from the movements of the players that they were in the middle of
a quantum soccer match. At Jamil's request, the city painted the wave function
of the hypothetical ball across his vision, and tweaked him to recognise
the players as the members of two teams without changing their appearance
at all. Maria had once told him that she always chose a literal perception
of colour-coded clothing instead; she had no desire to use pathways that
had evolved for the sake of sorting people into those you defended and
those you slaughtered. But almost everything that had been bequeathed to
them was stained with blood, and to Jamil it seemed a far sweeter victory
to adapt the worst relics to his own ends than to discard them as irretrievably
tainted.
The wave function appeared as a vivid auroral light, a quicksilver
plasma bright enough to be distinct in the afternoon sunlight, yet unable
to dazzle the eye or conceal the players running through it. Bands of colour
representing the complex phase of the wave swept across the field, parting
to wash over separate rising lobes of probability before hitting the boundary
and bouncing back again, inverted. The match was being played by the oldest,
simplest rules: semi-classical, non-relativistic. The ball was confined
to the field by an infinitely high barrier, so there was no question of
it tunnelling out, leaking away as the match progressed. The players were
treated classically: their movements pumped energy into the wave, enabling
transitions from the game's opening state — with the ball spread thinly
across the entire field — into the range of higher-energy modes needed
to localise it. But localisation was fleeting; there was no point forming
a nice sharp wave packet in the middle of the field in the hope of kicking
it around like a classical object. You had to shape the wave in such a
way that all of its modes — cycling at different frequencies, travelling
with different velocities — would come into phase with each other, for
a fraction of a second, within the goal itself. Achieving that was a matter
of energy levels, and timing.
Jamil had noticed that one team was under-strength. The umpire
would be skewing the field's potential to keep the match fair, but a new
participant would be especially welcome for the sake of restoring symmetry.
He watched the faces of the players, most of them old friends. They were
frowning with concentration, but breaking now and then into smiles of delight
at their small successes, or their opponents' ingenuity.
He was badly out of practice, but if he turned out to be dead
weight he could always withdraw. And if he misjudged his skills, and lost
the match with his incompetence? No one would care. The score was nil all;
he could wait for a goal, but that might be an hour or more in coming.
Jamil communed with the umpire, and discovered that the players had decided
in advance to allow new entries at any time.
Before he could change his mind, he announced himself. The wave
froze, and he ran on to the field. People nodded greetings, mostly making
no fuss, though Ezequiel shouted, “Welcome back!” Jamil suddenly felt fragile
again; though he'd ended his long seclusion four days before, it was well
within his power, still, to be dismayed by everything the game would involve.
His recovery felt like a finely balanced optical illusion, a figure and
ground that could change roles in an instant, a solid cube that could evert
into a hollow.
The umpire guided him to his allotted starting position, opposite
a woman he hadn't seen before. He offered her a formal bow, and she returned
the gesture. This was no time for introductions, but he asked the city
if she'd published a name. She had: Margit.
The umpire counted down in their heads. Jamil tensed, regretting
his impulsiveness. For seven years he'd been dead to the world. After four
days back, what was he good for? His muscles were incapable of atrophy,
his reflexes could never be dulled, but he'd chosen to live with an unconstrained
will, and at any moment his wavering resolve could desert him.
The umpire said, “Play.” The frozen light around Jamil came to
life, and he sprang into motion.
Each player was responsible for a set of modes, particular harmonics
of the wave that were theirs to fill, guard, or deplete as necessary. Jamil's
twelve modes cycled at between 1,000 and 1,250 milliHertz. The rules of
the game endowed his body with a small, fixed potential energy, which repelled
the ball slightly and allowed different modes to push and pull on each
other through him, but if he stayed in one spot as the modes cycled, every
influence he exerted would eventually be replaced by its opposite, and
the effect would simply cancel itself out.
To drive the wave from one mode to another, you needed to move,
and to drive it efficiently you needed to exploit the way the modes fell
in and out of phase with each other: to take from a 1,000 milliHertz mode
and give to a 1,250, you had to act in synch with the quarter-Hertz beat
between them. It was like pushing a child's swing at its natural frequency,
but rather than setting a single child in motion, you were standing between
two swings and acting more as an intermediary: trying to time your interventions
in such a way as to speed up one child at the other's expense. The way
you pushed on the wave at a given time and place was out of your hands
completely, but by changing location in just the right way you could gain
control over the interaction. Every pair of modes had a spatial beat between
them — like the moiré pattern formed by two sheets of woven fabric
held up to the light together, shifting from transparent to opaque as the
gaps between the threads fell in and out of alignment. Slicing through
this cyclic landscape offered the perfect means to match the accompanying
chronological beat.
Jamil sprinted across the field at a speed and angle calculated
to drive two favourable transitions at once. He'd gauged the current spectrum
of the wave instinctively, watching from the sidelines, and he knew which
of the modes in his charge would contribute to a goal and which would detract
from the probability. As he cut through the shimmering bands of colour,
the umpire gave him tactile feedback to supplement his visual estimates
and calculations, allowing him to sense the difference between a cyclic
tug, a to and fro that came to nothing, and the gentle but persistent force
that meant he was successfully riding the beat.
Chusok called out to him urgently, “Take, take! Two-ten!” Everyone's
spectral territory overlapped with someone else's, and you needed to pass
amplitude from player to player as well as trying to manage it within your
own range. Two-ten — a harmonic with two peaks across the width
of the field and ten along its length, cycling at 1,160 milliHertz — was
filling up as Chusok drove unwanted amplitude from various lower-energy
modes into it. It was Jamil's role to empty it, putting the amplitude somewhere
useful. Any mode with an even number of peaks across the field was unfavourable
for scoring, because it had a node — a zero point between the peaks — smack
in the middle of both goals.
Jamil acknowledged the request with a hand signal and shifted
his trajectory. It was almost a decade since he'd last played the game,
but he still knew the intricate web of possibilities by heart: he could
drain the two-ten harmonic into the three-ten, five-two and five-six modes
— all with “good parity”, peaks along the centre-line — in a single action.
As he pounded across the grass, carefully judging the correct
angle by sight, increasing his speed until he felt the destructive beats
give way to a steady force like a constant breeze, he suddenly recalled
a time — centuries before, in another city — when he'd played with one
team, week after week, for forty years. Faces and voices swam in his head.
Hashim, Jamil's ninety-eighth child, and Hashim's granddaughter Laila had
played beside him. But he'd burnt his house and moved on, and when that
era touched him at all now it was like an unexpected gift. The scent of
the grass, the shouts of the players, the soles of his feet striking the
ground, resonated with every other moment he'd spent the same way, bridging
the centuries, binding his life together. He never truly felt the scale
of it when he sought it out deliberately; it was always small things, tightly
focused moments like this, that burst the horizon of his everyday concerns
and confronted him with the astonishing vista.
The two-ten mode was draining faster than he'd expected; the see-sawing
centre-line dip in the wave was vanishing before his eyes. He looked around,
and saw Margit performing an elaborate Lissajous manoeuvre, smoothly orchestrating
a dozen transitions at once. Jamil froze and watched her, admiring her
virtuosity while he tried to decide what to do next; there was no point
competing with her when she was doing such a good job of completing the
task Chusok had set him.
Margit was his opponent, but they were both aiming for exactly
the same kind of spectrum. The symmetry of the field meant that any scoring
wave would work equally well for either side — but only one team could
be the first to reap the benefit, the first to have more than half the
wave's probability packed into their goal. So the two teams were obliged
to cooperate at first, and it was only as the wave took shape from their
combined efforts that it gradually became apparent which side would gain
by sculpting it to perfection as rapidly as possible, and which would gain
by spoiling it for the first chance, then honing it for the rebound.
Penina chided him over her shoulder as she jogged past, “You want
to leave her to clean up four-six, as well?” She was smiling, but Jamil
was stung; he'd been motionless for ten or fifteen seconds. It was not
forbidden to drag your feet and rely on your opponents to do all the work,
but it was regarded as a shamefully impoverished strategy. It was also
very risky, handing them the opportunity to set up a wave that was almost
impossible to exploit yourself.
He reassessed the spectrum, and quickly sorted through the alternatives.
Whatever he did would have unwanted side effects; there was no magic way
to avoid influencing modes in other players' territory, and any action
that would drive the transitions he needed would also trigger a multitude
of others, up and down the spectrum. Finally, he made a choice that would
weaken the offending mode while causing as little disruption as possible.
Jamil immersed himself in the game, planning each transition two
steps in advance, switching strategy half-way through a run if he had to,
but staying in motion until the sweat dripped from his body, until his
calves burned, until his blood sang. He wasn't blinded to the raw pleasures
of the moment, or to memories of games past, but he let them wash over
him, like the breeze that rose up and cooled his skin with no need for
acknowledgement. Familiar voices shouted terse commands at him; as the
wave came closer to a scoring spectrum every trace of superfluous conversation
vanished, every idle glance gave way to frantic, purposeful gestures. To
a bystander, this might have seemed like the height of dehumanisation:
twenty-two people reduced to grunting cogs in a pointless machine. Jamil
smiled at the thought but refused to be distracted into a complicated imaginary
rebuttal. Every step he took was the answer to that, every hoarse plea
to Yann or Joracy, Chusok or Maria, Eudore or Halide. These were his friends,
and he was back among them. Back in the world.
The first chance of a goal was thirty seconds away, and the opportunity
would fall to Jamil's team; a few tiny shifts in amplitude would clinch
it. Margit kept her distance, but Jamil could sense her eyes on him constantly
— and literally feel her at work through his skin as she slackened his
contact with the wave. In theory, by mirroring your opponent's movements
at the correct position on the field you could undermine everything they
did, though in practice not even the most skilful team could keep the spectrum
completely frozen. Going further and spoiling was a tug of war you didn't
want to win too well: if you degraded the wave too much, your opponent's
task — spoiling your own subsequent chance at a goal — became far easier.
Jamil still had two bad-parity modes that he was hoping to weaken,
but every time he changed velocity to try a new transition, Margit responded
in an instant, blocking him. He gestured to Chusok for help; Chusok had
his own problems with Ezequiel, but he could still make trouble for Margit
by choosing where he placed unwanted amplitude. Jamil shook sweat out of
his eyes; he could see the characteristic “stepping stone” pattern of lobes
forming, a sign that the wave would soon converge on the goal, but from
the middle of the field it was impossible to judge their shape accurately
enough to know what, if anything, remained to be done.
Suddenly, Jamil felt the wave push against him. He didn't waste
time looking around for Margit; Chusok must have succeeded in distracting
her. He was almost at the boundary line, but he managed to reverse smoothly,
continuing to drive both the transitions he'd been aiming for.
Two long lobes of probability, each modulated by a series of oscillating
mounds, raced along the sides of the field. A third, shorter lobe running
along the centre-line melted away, reappeared, then merged with the others
as they touched the end of the field, forming an almost rectangular plateau
encompassing the goal.
The plateau became a pillar of light, growing narrower and higher
as dozens of modes, all finally in phase, crashed together against the
impenetrable barrier of the field's boundary. A shallow residue was still
spread across the entire field, and a diminishing sequence of elliptical
lobes trailed away from the goal like a staircase, but most of the wave
that had started out lapping around their waists was now concentrated in
a single peak that towered above their heads, nine or ten metres tall.
For an instant, it was motionless.
Then it began to fall.
The umpire said, “Forty-nine point eight.”
The wave packet had not been tight enough.
Jamil struggled to shrug off his disappointment and throw his
instincts into reverse. The other team had fifty seconds, now, to fine-tune
the spectrum and ensure that the reflected packet was just a fraction narrower
when it reformed, at the opposite end of the field.
As the pillar collapsed, replaying its synthesis in reverse, Jamil
caught sight of Margit. She smiled at him calmly, and it suddenly struck
him: She'd known they couldn't make the goal. That was why she'd stopped
opposing him. She'd let him work towards sharpening the wave for a
few seconds, knowing that it was already too late for him, knowing that
her own team would gain from the slight improvement.
Jamil was impressed; it took an extraordinary level of skill and
confidence to do what she'd just done. For all the time he'd spent away,
he knew exactly what to expect from the rest of the players, and in Margit's
absence he would probably have been wishing out loud for a talented newcomer
to make the game interesting again. Still, it was hard not to feel a slight
sting of resentment. Someone should have warned him just how good she was.
With the modes slipping out of phase, the wave undulated all over
the field again, but its reconvergence was inevitable: unlike a wave of
water or sound, it possessed no hidden degrees of freedom to grind its
precision into entropy. Jamil decided to ignore Margit; there were cruder
strategies than mirror-blocking that worked almost as well. Chusok was
filling the two-ten mode now; Jamil chose the four-six as his spoiler.
All they had to do was keep the wave from growing much sharper, and it
didn't matter whether they achieved this by preserving the status quo,
or by nudging it from one kind of bluntness to another.
The steady resistance he felt as he ran told Jamil that he was
driving the transition, unblocked, but he searched in vain for some visible
sign of success. When he reached a vantage point where he could take in
enough of the field in one glance to judge the spectrum properly, he noticed
a rapidly vibrating shimmer across the width of the wave. He counted nine
peaks: good parity. Margit had pulled most of the amplitude straight out
of his spoiler mode and fed it into this. It was a mad waste of
energy to aim for such an elevated harmonic, but no one had been looking
there, no one had stopped her.
The scoring pattern was forming again, he only had nine or ten
seconds left to make up for all the time he'd wasted. Jamil chose the strongest
good-parity mode in his territory, and the emptiest bad one, computed the
velocity that would link them, and ran.
He didn't dare turn to watch the opposition goal; he didn't want
to break his concentration. The wave retreated around his feet, less like
an Earthly ebb tide than an ocean drawn into the sky by a passing black
hole. The city diligently portrayed the shadow that his body would have
cast, shrinking in front of him as the tower of light rose.
The verdict was announced. “Fifty point one.”
The air was filled with shouts of triumph — Ezequiel's the loudest,
as always. Jamil sagged to his knees, laughing. It was a curious feeling,
familiar as it was: he cared, and he didn't. If he'd been wholly indifferent
to the outcome of the game there would have been no pleasure in it, but
obsessing over every defeat — or every victory — could ruin it just as
thoroughly. He could almost see himself walking the line, orchestrating
his response as carefully as any action in the game itself.
He lay down on the grass to catch his breath before play resumed.
The outer face of the microsun that orbited Laplace was shielded with rock,
but light reflected skywards from the land beneath it crossed the 100,000
kilometre width of the 3-toroidal universe to give a faint glow to the
planet's nightside. Though only a sliver was lit directly, Jamil could
discern the full disk of the opposite hemisphere in the primary image at
the zenith: continents and oceans that lay, by a shorter route, 12,000
or so kilometres beneath him. Other views in the lattice of images spread
across the sky were from different angles, and showed substantial crescents
of the dayside itself. The one thing you couldn't find in any of these
images, even with a telescope, was your own city. The topology of this
universe let you see the back of your head, but never your reflection.
Jamil's team lost, three nil.
He staggered over to the fountains at the edge of the field and slaked
his thirst, shocked by the pleasure of the simple act. Just to be alive
was glorious now, but once he felt this way, anything seemed possible.
He was back in synch, back in phase, and he was going to make the most
of it, for however long it lasted.
He caught up with the others, who'd headed down towards the river.
Ezequiel hooked an arm around his neck, laughing. “Bad luck, Sleeping Beauty!
You picked the wrong time to wake. With Margit, we're invincible.”
Jamil ducked free of him. “I won't argue with that.” He looked
around. “Speaking of whom —”
Penina said, “Gone home. She plays, that's all. No frivolous socialising
after the match.”
Chusok added, “Or any other time.” Penina shot Jamil a glance
that meant: not for want of trying on Chusok's part.
Jamil pondered this, wondering why it annoyed him so much. On
the field, she hadn't come across as aloof and superior. Just unashamedly
good.
He queried the city, but she'd published nothing besides her name.
Nobody expected — or wished — to hear more than the tiniest fraction of
another person's history, but it was rare for anyone to start a new life
without carrying through something from the old as a kind of calling card,
some incident or achievement from which your new neighbours could form
an impression of you.
They'd reached the riverbank. Jamil pulled his shirt over his
head. “So what's her story? She must have told you something.”
Ezequiel said, “Only that she learnt to play a long time ago;
she won't say where or when. She arrived in Noether at the end of last
year, and grew a house on the southern outskirts. No one sees her around
much. No one even knows what she studies.”
Jamil shrugged, and waded in. “Ah well. It's a challenge to rise
to.” Penina laughed and splashed him teasingly. He protested, “I meant
beating her at the game.”
Chusok said wryly, “When you turned up, I thought you'd be our
secret weapon. The one player she didn't know inside out already.”
“I'm glad you didn't tell me that. I would have turned around
and fled straight back into hibernation.”
“I know. That's why we all kept quiet.” Chusok smiled. “Welcome
back.”
Penina said, “Yeah, welcome back, Jamil.”
Sunlight shone on the surface of the river. Jamil ached all over,
but the cool water was the perfect place to be. If he wished, he could
build a partition in his mind at the point where he stood right now, and
never fall beneath it. Other people lived that way, and it seemed to cost
them nothing. Contrast was overrated; no sane person spent half their time
driving spikes into their flesh for the sake of feeling better when they
stopped. Ezequiel lived every day with the happy boisterousness of a five-year-old;
Jamil sometimes found this annoying, but then any kind of disposition would
irritate someone. His own stretches of meaningless sombreness weren't exactly
a boon to his friends.
Chusok said, “I've invited everyone to a meal at my house tonight.
Will you come?”
Jamil thought it over, then shook his head. He still wasn't ready.
He couldn't force-feed himself with normality; it didn't speed his recovery,
it just drove him backwards.
Chusok looked disappointed, but there was nothing to be done about
that. Jamil promised him, “Next time. OK?”
Ezequiel sighed. “What are we going to do with you? You're worse
than Margit!” Jamil started backing away, but it was too late. Ezequiel
reached him in two casual strides, bent down and grabbed him around the
waist, hoisted him effortlessly onto one shoulder, then flung him through
the air into the depths of the river.
Jamil was woken by the scent of
wood smoke. His room was still filled with the night's grey shadows, but
when he propped himself up on one elbow and the window obliged him with
transparency, the city was etched clearly in the predawn light.
He dressed and left the house, surprised at the coolness of the
dew on his feet. No one else in his street seemed to be up; had they failed
to notice the smell, or did they already know to expect it? He turned a
corner and saw the rising column of soot, faintly lit with red from below.
The flames and the ruins were still hidden from him, but he knew whose
house it was.
When he reached the dying blaze, he crouched in the heat-withered
garden, cursing himself. Chusok had offered him the chance to join him
for his last meal in Noether. Whatever hints you dropped, it was customary
to tell no one that you were moving on. If you still had a lover, if you
still had young children, you never deserted them. But friends, you warned
in subtle ways. Before vanishing.
Jamil covered his head with his arms. He'd lived through this
countless times before, but it never became easier. If anything it grew
worse, as every departure was weighted with the memories of others. His
brothers and sisters had scattered across the branches of the New Territories.
He'd walked away from his father and mother when he was too young and confident
to realise how much it would hurt him, decades later. His own children
had all abandoned him eventually, far more often than he'd left them. It
was easier to leave an ex-lover than a grown child: something burned itself
out in a couple, almost naturally, as if ancestral biology had prepared
them for at least that one rift.
Jamil stopped fighting the tears. But as he brushed them away,
he caught sight of someone standing beside him. He looked up. It was Margit.
He felt a need to explain. He rose to his feet and addressed her.
“This was Chusok's house. We were good friends. I'd known him for ninety-six
years.”
Margit gazed back at him neutrally. “Boo hoo. Poor baby. You'll
never see your friend again.”
Jamil almost laughed, her rudeness was so surreal. He pushed on,
as if the only conceivable, polite response was to pretend that he hadn't
heard her. “No one is the kindest, the most generous, the most loyal. It
doesn't matter. That's not the point. Everyone's unique. Chusok was Chusok.”
He banged a fist against his chest, utterly heedless now of her contemptuous
words. “There's a hole in me, and it will never be filled.” That was the
truth, even though he'd grow around it. He should have gone to the meal,
it would have cost him nothing.
“You must be a real emotional Swiss cheese,” observed Margit tartly.
Jamil came to his senses. “Why don't you fuck off to some other
universe? No one wants you in Noether.”
Margit was amused. “You are a bad loser.”
Jamil gazed at her, honestly confused for a moment; the game had
slipped his mind completely. He gestured at the embers. “What are you doing
here? Why did you follow the smoke, if it wasn't regret at not saying goodbye
to him when you had the chance?” He wasn't sure how seriously to take Penina's
light-hearted insinuation, but if Chusok had fallen for Margit, and it
had not been reciprocated, that might even have been the reason he'd left.
She shook her head calmly. “He was nothing to me. I barely spoke
to him.”
“Well, that's your loss.”
“From the look of things, I'd say the loss was all yours.”
He had no reply. Margit turned and walked away.
Jamil crouched on the ground again, rocking back and forth, waiting
for the pain to subside.
Jamil spent the next week preparing
to resume his studies. The library had near-instantaneous contact with
every artificial universe in the New Territories, and the additional lightspeed
lag between Earth and the point in space from which the whole tree-structure
blossomed was only a few hours. Jamil had been to Earth, but only as a
tourist; land was scarce, they accepted no migrants. There were remote
planets you could live on, in the home universe, but you had to be a certain
kind of masochistic purist to want that. The precise reasons why his ancestors
had entered the New Territories had been forgotten generations before —
and it would have been presumptuous to track them down and ask them in
person — but given a choice between the then even-more-crowded Earth, the
horrifying reality of interstellar distances, and an endlessly extensible
branching chain of worlds which could be traversed within a matter of weeks,
the decision wasn't exactly baffling.
Jamil had devoted most of his time in Noether to studying the
category of representations of Lie groups on complex vector spaces — a
fitting choice, since Emmy Noether had been a pioneer of group theory,
and if she'd lived to see this field blossom she would probably have been
in the thick of it herself. Representations of Lie groups lay behind most
of physics: each kind of subatomic particle was really nothing but a particular
way of representing the universal symmetry group as a set of rotations
of complex vectors. Organising this kind of structure with category theory
was ancient knowledge, but Jamil didn't care; he'd long ago reconciled
himself to being a student, not a discoverer. The greatest gift of consciousness
was the ability to take the patterns of the world inside you, and for all
that he would have relished the thrill of being the first at anything,
with ten-to-the-sixteenth people alive that was a futile ambition for most.
In the library, he spoke with fellow students of his chosen field
on other worlds, or read their latest works. Though they were not researchers,
they could still put a new pedagogical spin on old material, enriching
the connections with other fields, finding ways to make the complex, subtle
truth easier to assimilate without sacrificing the depth and detail that
made it worth knowing in the first place. They would not advance the frontiers
of knowledge. They would not discover new principles of nature, or invent
new technologies. But to Jamil, understanding was an end in itself.
He rarely thought about the prospect of playing another match,
and when he did the idea was not appealing. With Chusok gone, the same
group could play ten-to-a-side without Jamil to skew the numbers. Margit
might even choose to swap teams, if only for the sake of proving that her
current team's monotonous string of victories really had been entirely
down to her.
When the day arrived, though, he found himself unable to stay
away. He turned up intending to remain a spectator, but Ryuichi had deserted
Ezequiel's team, and everyone begged Jamil to join in.
As he took his place opposite Margit, there was nothing in her
demeanour to acknowledge their previous encounter: no lingering contempt,
but no hint of shame either. Jamil resolved to put it out of his mind;
he owed it to his fellow players to concentrate on the game.
They lost, five nil.
Jamil forced himself to follow everyone to Eudore's house, to
celebrate, commiserate, or as it turned out, to forget the whole thing.
After they'd eaten, Jamil wandered from room to room, enjoying Eudore's
choice of music but unable to settle into any conversation. No one mentioned
Chusok in his hearing.
He left just after midnight. Laplace's near-full primary image
and its eight brightest gibbous companions lit the streets so well that
there was no need for anything more. Jamil thought: Chusok might have merely
travelled to another city, one beneath his gaze right now. And wherever
he'd gone, he might yet choose to stay in touch with his friends from Noether.
And his friends from the next town, and the next?Century after century?
Margit was sitting on Jamil's doorstep, holding a bunch of white
flowers in one hand.
Jamil was irritated. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to apologise.”
He shrugged. “There's no need. We feel differently about certain
things. That's fine. I can still face you on the playing field.”
“I'm not apologising for a difference of opinion. I wasn't honest
with you. I was cruel.” She shaded her eyes against the glare of the planet
and looked up at him. “You were right: it was my loss. I wish I'd known
your friend.”
He laughed curtly. “Well, it's too late for that.”
She said simply, “I know.”
Jamil relented. “Do you want to come in?” Margit nodded, and he
instructed the door to open for her. As he followed her inside, he said,
“How long have you been here? Have you eaten?”
“No.”
“I'll cook something for you.”
“You don't have to do that.”
He called out to her from the kitchen, “Think of it as a peace
offering. I don't have any flowers.”
Margit replied, “They're not for you. They're for Chusok's house.”
Jamil stopped rummaging through his vegetable bins, and walked
back into the living room. “People don't usually do that in Noether.”
Margit was sitting on the couch, staring at the floor. She said,
“I'm so lonely here. I can't bear it any more.”
He sat beside her. “Then why did you rebuff him? You could at
least have been friends.”
She shook her head. “Don't ask me to explain.”
Jamil took her hand. She turned and embraced him, trembling miserably.
He stroked her hair. “Sssh.”
She said, “Just sex. I don't want anything more.”
He groaned softly. “There's no such thing as that.”
“I just need someone to touch me again.”
“I understand.” He confessed, “So do I. But that won't be all.
So don't ask me to promise there'll be nothing more.”
Margit took his face in her hands and kissed him. Her mouth tasted
of wood smoke.
Jamil said, “I don't even know you.”
“No one knows anyone, any more.”
“That's not true.”
“No, it's not,” she conceded gloomily. She ran a hand lightly
along his arm. Jamil wanted badly to see her smile, so he made each dark
hair thicken and blossom into a violet flower as it passed beneath her
fingers.
She did smile, but she said, “I've seen that trick before.”
Jamil was annoyed. “I'm sure to be a disappointment all round,
then. I expect you'd be happier with some kind of novelty. A unicorn, or
an amoeba.”
She laughed. “I don't think so.” She took his hand and placed
it against her breast. “Do you ever get tired of sex?”
“Do you ever get tired of breathing?”
“I can go for a long time without thinking about it.”
He nodded. “But then one day you stop and fill your lungs with
air, and it's still as sweet as ever.”
Jamil didn't know what he was feeling any more. Lust. Compassion.
Spite. She'd come to him hurting, and he wanted to help her, but he wasn't
sure that either of them really believed this would work.
Margit inhaled the scent of the flowers on his arm. “Are they
the same colour? Everywhere else?”
He said, “There's only one way to find out.”
Jamil woke in the early hours
of the morning, alone. He'd half expected Margit to flee like this, but
she could have waited till dawn. He would have obligingly feigned sleep
while she dressed and tip-toed out.
Then he heard her. It was not a sound he would normally have associated
with a human being, but it could not have been anything else.
He found her in the kitchen, curled around a table leg, wailing
rhythmically. He stood back and watched her, afraid that anything he did
would only make things worse. She met his gaze in the half light, but kept
up the mechanical whimper. Her eyes weren't blank; she was not delirious,
or hallucinating. She knew exactly who, and where, she was.
Finally, Jamil knelt in the doorway. He said, “Whatever it is, you can
tell me. And we'll fix it. We'll find a way.”
She bared her teeth. “You can't fix it, you stupid child.”
She resumed the awful noise.
“Then just tell me. Please?” He stretched out a hand towards her.
He hadn't felt quite so helpless since his very first daughter, Aminata,
had come to him as an inconsolable six-year-old, rejected by the boy to
whom she'd declared her undying love. He'd been twenty-four years old;
a child himself. More than a thousand years ago. Where are you now,
Nata?
Margit said, “I promised. I'd never tell.”
“Promised who?”
“Myself.”
“Good. They're the easiest kind to break.”
She started weeping. It was a more ordinary sound, but it was even more
chilling. She was not a wounded animal now, an alien being suffering some
incomprehensible pain. Jamil approached her cautiously; she let him wrap
his arms around her shoulders.
He whispered, “Come to bed. The warmth will help. Just being held
will help.”
She spat at him derisively, “It won't bring her back.”
“Who?”
Margit stared at him in silence, as if he'd said something shocking.
Jamil insisted gently, “Who won't it bring back?” She'd lost a
friend, badly, the way he'd lost Chusok. That was why she'd sought him
out. He could help her through it. They could help each other through it.
She said, “It won't bring back the dead.”
Margit was seven thousand five
hundred and ninety-four years old. Jamil persuaded her to sit at the kitchen
table. He wrapped her in blankets, then fed her tomatoes and rice, as she
told him how she'd witnessed the birth of his world.
The promise had shimmered just beyond reach for decades. Almost
none of her contemporaries had believed it would happen, though the truth
should have been plain for centuries: the human body was a material
thing. In time, with enough knowledge and effort, it would become possible
to safeguard it from any kind of deterioration, any kind of harm. Stellar
evolution and cosmic entropy might or might not prove insurmountable, but
there'd be aeons to confront those challenges. In the middle of the twenty-first
century, the hurdles were aging, disease, violence, and an overcrowded
planet.
“Grace was my best friend. We were students.” Margit smiled. “Before
everyone was a student. We'd talk about it, but we didn't believe we'd
see it happen. It would come in another century. It would come for our
great-great-grandchildren. We'd hold infants on our knees in our twilight
years and tell ourselves: this one will never die.
“When we were both twenty-two, something happened. To both of
us.” She lowered her eyes. “We were kidnapped. We were raped. We were tortured.”
Jamil didn't know how to respond. These were just words to him:
he knew their meaning, he knew these acts would have hurt her, but she
might as well have been describing a mathematical theorem. He stretched
a hand across the table, but Margit ignored it. He said awkwardly, “This
was … the Holocaust?”
She looked up at him, shaking her head, almost laughing at his
naivete. “Not even one of them. Not a war, not a pogrom. Just one psychopathic
man. He locked us in his basement, for six months. He'd killed seven women.”
Tears began spilling down her cheeks. “He showed us the bodies. They were
buried right where we slept. He showed us how we'd end up, when he was
through with us.”
Jamil was numb. He'd known all his adult life what had once been
possible — what had once happened, to real people — but it had all been
consigned to history long before his birth. In retrospect it seemed almost
inconceivably stupid, but he'd always imagined that the changes had come
in such a way that no one still living had experienced these horrors. There'd
been no escaping the bare minimum, the logical necessity: his oldest living
ancestors must have watched their parents fall peacefully into eternal
sleep. But not this. Not a flesh-and-blood woman, sitting in front of him,
who'd been forced to sleep in a killer's graveyard.
He put his hand over hers, and choked out the words. “This man
… killed Grace? He killed your friend?”
Margit began sobbing, but she shook her head. “No, no. We got
out!” She twisted her mouth into a smile. “Someone stabbed the stupid fucker
in a bar-room brawl. We dug our way out while he was in hospital.” She
put her face down on the table and wept, but she held Jamil's hand against
her cheek. He couldn't understand what she'd lived through, but that didn't
mean he couldn't console her. Hadn't he touched his mother's face the same
way, when she was sad beyond his childish comprehension?
She composed herself, and continued. “We made a resolution, while
we were in there. If we survived, there'd be no more empty promises. No
more day dreams. What he'd done to those seven women — and what he'd done
to us — would become impossible.”
And it had. Whatever harm befell your body, you had the power
to shut off your senses and decline to experience it. If the flesh was
damaged, it could always be repaired or replaced. In the unlikely event
that your jewel itself was destroyed, everyone had backups, scattered across
universes. No human being could inflict physical pain on another. In theory,
you could still be killed, but it would take the same kind of resources
as destroying a galaxy. The only people who seriously contemplated either
were the villains in very bad operas.
Jamil's eyes narrowed in wonder. She'd spoken those last words
with such fierce pride that there was no question of her having failed.
“You are Ndoli? You invented the jewel?” As a child, he'd
been told that the machine in his skull had been designed by a man who'd
died long ago.
Margit stroked his hand, amused. “In those days, very few Hungarian
women could be mistaken for Nigerian men. I've never changed my body that
much, Jamil. I've always looked much as you see me.”
Jamil was relieved; if she'd been Ndoli himself, he might have
succumbed to sheer awe and started babbling idolatrous nonsense. “But you
worked with Ndoli? You and Grace?”
She shook her head. “We made the resolution, and then we floundered.
We were mathematicians, not neurologists. There were a thousand things
going on at once: tissue engineering, brain imaging, molecular computers.
We had no real idea where to put our efforts, which problems we should
bring our strengths to bear upon. Ndoli's work didn't come out of the blue
for us, but we played no part in it.
“For a while, almost everyone was nervous about switching from
the brain to the jewel. In the early days, the jewel was a separate device
that learned its task by mimicking the brain, and it had to be handed control
of the body at one chosen moment. It took another fifty years before it
could be engineered to replace the brain incrementally, neuron by neuron,
in a seamless transition throughout adolescence.”
So Grace had lived to see the jewel invented, but held back, and
died before she could use it? Jamil kept himself from blurting out this
conclusion; all his guesses had proved wrong so far.
Margit continued. “Some people weren't just nervous, though. You'd
be amazed how vehemently Ndoli was denounced in certain quarters. And I
don't just mean the fanatics who churned out paranoid tracts about ‘the
machines’ taking over, with their evil inhuman agendas. Some people's antagonism
had nothing to do with the specifics of the technology. They were opposed
to immortality, in principle.”
Jamil laughed. “Why?”
“Ten thousand years' worth of sophistry doesn't vanish overnight,”
Margit observed dryly. “Every human culture had expended vast amounts of
intellectual effort on the problem of coming to terms with death. Most
religions had constructed elaborate lies about it, making it out to be
something other than it was — though a few were dishonest about life, instead.
But even most secular philosophies were warped by the need to pretend that
death was for the best.
“It was the naturalistic fallacy at its most extreme — and its
most transparent, but that didn't stop anyone. Since any child could tell
you that death was meaningless, contingent, unjust, and abhorrent beyond
words, it was a hallmark of sophistication to believe otherwise. Writers
had consoled themselves for centuries with smug puritanical fables about
immortals who'd long for death — who'd beg for death. It would have
been too much to expect all those who were suddenly faced with the reality
of its banishment to confess that they'd been whistling in the dark. And
would-be moral philosophers — mostly those who'd experienced no greater
inconvenience in their lives than a late train or a surly waiter — began
wailing about the destruction of the human spirit by this hideous blight.
We needed death and suffering, to put steel into our souls! Not horrible,
horrible freedom and safety!”
Jamil smiled. “So there were buffoons. But in the end, surely
they swallowed their pride? If we're walking in a desert and I tell you
that the lake you see ahead is a mirage, I might cling stubbornly to my
own belief, to save myself from disappointment. But when we arrive, and
I'm proven wrong, I will drink from the lake.”
Margit nodded. “Most of the loudest of these people went quiet
in the end. But there were subtler arguments, too. Like it or not, all
our biology and all of our culture had evolved in the presence of
death. And almost every righteous struggle in history, every worthwhile
sacrifice, had been against suffering, against violence, against death.
Now, that struggle would become impossible.”
“Yes.” Jamil was mystified. “But only because it had triumphed.”
Margit said gently, “I know. There was no sense to it. And it
was always my belief that anything worth fighting for — over centuries,
over millennia — was worth attaining. It can't be noble to toil
for a cause, and even to die for it, unless it's also noble to succeed.
To claim otherwise isn't sophistication, it's just a kind of hypocrisy.
If it's better to travel than arrive, you shouldn't start the voyage in
the first place.
“I told Grace as much, and she agreed. We laughed together at
what we called the tragedians: the people who denounced the coming
age as the age without martyrs, the age without saints, the age without
revolutionaries. There would never be another Gandhi, another Mandela,
another Aung San Suu Kyi — and yes, that was a kind of loss, but
would any great leader have sentenced humanity to eternal misery, for the
sake of providing a suitable backdrop for eternal heroism? Well, some of
them would have. But the down-trodden themselves had better things to do.”
Margit fell silent. Jamil cleared her plate away, then sat opposite
her again. It was almost dawn.
“Of course, the jewel was not enough,” Margit continued. “With
care, Earth could support forty billion people, but where would the rest
go? The jewel made virtual reality the easiest escape route: for a fraction
of the space, a fraction of the energy, it could survive without a body
attached. Grace and I weren't horrified by that prospect, the way some
people were. But it was not the best outcome, it was not what most people
wanted, they way they wanted freedom from death.
“So we studied gravity, we studied the vacuum.”
Jamil feared making a fool of himself again, but from the expression
on her face he knew he wasn't wrong this time. M. Osvát and G.
Füst. Co-authors of the seminal paper, but no more was known about
them than those abbreviated names. “You gave us the New Territories?”
Margit nodded slightly. “Grace and I.”
Jamil was overwhelmed with love for her. He went to her and knelt
down to put his arms around her waist. Margit touched his shoulder. “Come
on, get up. Don't treat me like a god, it just makes me feel old.”
He stood, smiling abashedly. Anyone in pain deserved his help
— but if he was not in her debt, the word had no meaning.
“And Grace?” he asked.
Margit looked away. “Grace completed her work, and then decided
that she was a tragedian, after all. Rape was impossible. Torture was impossible.
Poverty was vanishing. Death was receding into cosmology, into metaphysics.
It was everything she'd hoped would come to pass. And for her, suddenly
faced with that fulfilment, everything that remained seemed trivial.
“One night, she climbed into the furnace in the basement of her
building. Her jewel survived the flames, but she'd erased it from within.”
It was morning now. Jamil was
beginning to feel disoriented; Margit should have vanished in daylight,
an apparition unable to persist in the mundane world.
“I'd lost other people who were close to me,” she said. “My parents.
My brother. Friends. And so had everyone around me, then. I wasn't special:
grief was still commonplace. But decade by decade, century by century,
we shrank into insignificance, those of us who knew what it meant to lose
someone for ever. We're less than one in a million, now.
“For a long time, I clung to my own generation. There were enclaves,
there were ghettos, where everyone understood the old days. I spent two
hundred years married to a man who wrote a play called We Who Have Known
the Dead — which was every bit as pretentious and self-pitying as you'd
guess from the title.” She smiled at the memory. “It was a horrible, self-devouring
world. If I'd stayed in it much longer, I would have followed Grace. I
would have begged for death.”
She looked up at Jamil. “It's people like you I want to be with:
people who don't understand. Your lives aren't trivial, any more
than the best parts of our own were: all the tranquillity, all the beauty,
all the happiness that made the sacrifices and the life-and-death struggles
worthwhile.
“The tragedians were wrong. They had everything upside-down. Death
never gave meaning to life: it was always the other way round. All of its
gravitas, all of its significance, was stolen from the things it ended.
But the value of life always lay entirely in itself — not in its loss,
not in its fragility.
“Grace should have lived to see that. She should have lived long
enough to understand that the world hadn't turned to ash.”
Jamil sat in silence, turning the whole confession over in his
mind, trying to absorb it well enough not to add to her distress with a
misjudged question. Finally, he ventured, “Why do you hold back from friendship
with us, though? Because we're just children to you? Children who can't
understand what you've lost?”
Margit shook her head vehemently. “I don't want you to
understand! People like me are the only blight on this world, the only
poison.” She smiled at Jamil's expression of anguish, and rushed to silence
him before he could swear that she was nothing of the kind. “Not in everything
we do and say, or everyone we touch: I'm not claiming that we're tainted,
in some fatuous mythological sense. But when I left the ghettos, I promised
myself that I wouldn't bring the past with me. Sometimes that's an easy
vow to keep. Sometimes it's not.”
“You've broken it tonight,” Jamil said plainly. “And neither of
us have been struck down by lightning.”
“I know.” She took his hand. “But I was wrong to tell you what
I have, and I'll fight to regain the strength to stay silent. I stand at
the border between two worlds, Jamil. I remember death, and I always will.
But my job now is to guard that border. To keep that knowledge from invading
your world.”
“We're not as fragile as you think,” he protested. “We all know
something about loss.”
Margit nodded soberly. “Your friend Chusok has vanished into the
crowd. That's how things work now: how you keep yourselves from suffocating
in a jungle of endlessly growing connections, or fragmenting into isolated
troupes of repertory players, endlessly churning out the same lines.
“You have your little deaths — and I don't call them that to deride
you. But I've seen both. And I promise you, they're not the same.”
In the weeks that followed, Jamil
resumed in full the life he'd made for himself in Noether. Five days in
seven were for the difficult beauty of mathematics. The rest were for his
friends.
He kept playing matches, and Margit's team kept winning. In the
sixth game, though, Jamil's team finally scored against her. Their defeat
was only three to one.
Each night, Jamil struggled with the question. What exactly did
he owe her? Eternal loyalty, eternal silence, eternal obedience? She hadn't
sworn him to secrecy; she'd extracted no promises at all. But he knew she
was trusting him to comply with her wishes, so what right did he have to
do otherwise?
Eight weeks after the night he'd spent with Margit, Jamil found
himself alone with Penina in a room in Joracy's house. They'd been talking
about the old days. Talking about Chusok.
Jamil said, “Margit lost someone, very close to her.”
Penina nodded matter-of-factly, but curled into a comfortable
position on the couch and prepared to take in every word.
“Not in the way we've lost Chusok. Not in the way you think at
all.”
Jamil approached the others, one by one. His confidence ebbed
and flowed. He'd glimpsed the old world, but he couldn't pretend to have
fathomed its inhabitants. What if Margit saw this as worse than betrayal
— as a further torture, a further rape?
But he couldn't stand by and leave her to the torture she'd inflicted
on herself.
Ezequiel was the hardest to face. Jamil spent a sick and sleepless
night beforehand, wondering if this would make him a monster, a corrupter
of children, the epitome of everything Margit believed she was fighting.
Ezequiel wept freely, but he was not a child. He was older than
Jamil, and he had more steel in his soul than any of them.
He said, “I guessed it might be that. I guessed she might have
seen the bad times. But I never found a way to ask her.”
The three lobes of probability
converged, melted into a plateau, rose into a pillar of light.
The umpire said, “Fifty-five point nine.” It was Margit's most
impressive goal yet.
Ezequiel whooped joyfully and ran towards her. When he scooped
her up in his arms and threw her across his shoulders, she laughed and
indulged him. When Jamil stood beside him and they made a joint throne
for her with their arms, she frowned down at him and said, “You shouldn't
be doing this. You're on the losing side.”
The rest of the players converged on them, cheering, and they
started down towards the river. Margit looked around nervously. “What is
this? We haven't finished playing.”
Penina said, “The game's over early, just this once. Think of
this as an invitation. We want you to swim with us. We want you to talk
to us. We want to hear everything about your life.”
Margit's composure began to crack. She squeezed Jamil's shoulder.
He whispered, “Say the word, and we'll put you down.”
Margit didn't whisper back; she shouted miserably, “What do you
want from me, you parasites? I've won your fucking game for you! What more
do you want?”
Jamil was mortified. He stopped and prepared to lower her, prepared
to retreat, but Ezequiel caught his arm.
Ezequiel said, “We want to be your border guards. We want to stand
beside you.”
Christa added, “We can't face what you've faced, but we want to
understand. As much as we can.”
Joracy spoke, then Yann, Narcyza, Maria, Halide. Margit looked
down on them, weeping, confused.
Jamil burnt with shame. He'd hijacked her, humiliated her. He'd
made everything worse. She'd flee Noether, flee into a new exile, more
alone than ever.
When everyone had spoken, silence descended. Margit trembled on
her throne.
Jamil faced the ground. He couldn't undo what he'd done. He said
quietly, “Now you know our wishes. Will you tell us yours?”
“Put me down.”
Jamil and Ezequiel complied.
Margit looked around at her teammates and opponents, her children,
her creation, her would-be friends.
She said, “I want to go to the river with you. I'm seven thousand
years old, and I want to learn to swim.”
In the early afternoon of his
fourth day out of sadness, Jamil was wandering home from the gardens at
the centre of Noether when he heard shouts from the playing field behind
the library. On the spur of the moment, without even asking the city what
game was in progress, he decided to join in.
As he rounded the corner and the field came into view, it was
clear from the movements of the players that they were in the middle of
a quantum soccer match. At Jamil's request, the city painted the wave function
of the hypothetical ball across his vision, and tweaked him to recognise
the players as the members of two teams without changing their appearance
at all. Maria had once told him that she always chose a literal perception
of colour-coded clothing instead; she had no desire to use pathways that
had evolved for the sake of sorting people into those you defended and
those you slaughtered. But almost everything that had been bequeathed to
them was stained with blood, and to Jamil it seemed a far sweeter victory
to adapt the worst relics to his own ends than to discard them as irretrievably
tainted.
The wave function appeared as a vivid auroral light, a quicksilver
plasma bright enough to be distinct in the afternoon sunlight, yet unable
to dazzle the eye or conceal the players running through it. Bands of colour
representing the complex phase of the wave swept across the field, parting
to wash over separate rising lobes of probability before hitting the boundary
and bouncing back again, inverted. The match was being played by the oldest,
simplest rules: semi-classical, non-relativistic. The ball was confined
to the field by an infinitely high barrier, so there was no question of
it tunnelling out, leaking away as the match progressed. The players were
treated classically: their movements pumped energy into the wave, enabling
transitions from the game's opening state — with the ball spread thinly
across the entire field — into the range of higher-energy modes needed
to localise it. But localisation was fleeting; there was no point forming
a nice sharp wave packet in the middle of the field in the hope of kicking
it around like a classical object. You had to shape the wave in such a
way that all of its modes — cycling at different frequencies, travelling
with different velocities — would come into phase with each other, for
a fraction of a second, within the goal itself. Achieving that was a matter
of energy levels, and timing.
Jamil had noticed that one team was under-strength. The umpire
would be skewing the field's potential to keep the match fair, but a new
participant would be especially welcome for the sake of restoring symmetry.
He watched the faces of the players, most of them old friends. They were
frowning with concentration, but breaking now and then into smiles of delight
at their small successes, or their opponents' ingenuity.
He was badly out of practice, but if he turned out to be dead
weight he could always withdraw. And if he misjudged his skills, and lost
the match with his incompetence? No one would care. The score was nil all;
he could wait for a goal, but that might be an hour or more in coming.
Jamil communed with the umpire, and discovered that the players had decided
in advance to allow new entries at any time.
Before he could change his mind, he announced himself. The wave
froze, and he ran on to the field. People nodded greetings, mostly making
no fuss, though Ezequiel shouted, “Welcome back!” Jamil suddenly felt fragile
again; though he'd ended his long seclusion four days before, it was well
within his power, still, to be dismayed by everything the game would involve.
His recovery felt like a finely balanced optical illusion, a figure and
ground that could change roles in an instant, a solid cube that could evert
into a hollow.
The umpire guided him to his allotted starting position, opposite
a woman he hadn't seen before. He offered her a formal bow, and she returned
the gesture. This was no time for introductions, but he asked the city
if she'd published a name. She had: Margit.
The umpire counted down in their heads. Jamil tensed, regretting
his impulsiveness. For seven years he'd been dead to the world. After four
days back, what was he good for? His muscles were incapable of atrophy,
his reflexes could never be dulled, but he'd chosen to live with an unconstrained
will, and at any moment his wavering resolve could desert him.
The umpire said, “Play.” The frozen light around Jamil came to
life, and he sprang into motion.
Each player was responsible for a set of modes, particular harmonics
of the wave that were theirs to fill, guard, or deplete as necessary. Jamil's
twelve modes cycled at between 1,000 and 1,250 milliHertz. The rules of
the game endowed his body with a small, fixed potential energy, which repelled
the ball slightly and allowed different modes to push and pull on each
other through him, but if he stayed in one spot as the modes cycled, every
influence he exerted would eventually be replaced by its opposite, and
the effect would simply cancel itself out.
To drive the wave from one mode to another, you needed to move,
and to drive it efficiently you needed to exploit the way the modes fell
in and out of phase with each other: to take from a 1,000 milliHertz mode
and give to a 1,250, you had to act in synch with the quarter-Hertz beat
between them. It was like pushing a child's swing at its natural frequency,
but rather than setting a single child in motion, you were standing between
two swings and acting more as an intermediary: trying to time your interventions
in such a way as to speed up one child at the other's expense. The way
you pushed on the wave at a given time and place was out of your hands
completely, but by changing location in just the right way you could gain
control over the interaction. Every pair of modes had a spatial beat between
them — like the moiré pattern formed by two sheets of woven fabric
held up to the light together, shifting from transparent to opaque as the
gaps between the threads fell in and out of alignment. Slicing through
this cyclic landscape offered the perfect means to match the accompanying
chronological beat.
Jamil sprinted across the field at a speed and angle calculated
to drive two favourable transitions at once. He'd gauged the current spectrum
of the wave instinctively, watching from the sidelines, and he knew which
of the modes in his charge would contribute to a goal and which would detract
from the probability. As he cut through the shimmering bands of colour,
the umpire gave him tactile feedback to supplement his visual estimates
and calculations, allowing him to sense the difference between a cyclic
tug, a to and fro that came to nothing, and the gentle but persistent force
that meant he was successfully riding the beat.
Chusok called out to him urgently, “Take, take! Two-ten!” Everyone's
spectral territory overlapped with someone else's, and you needed to pass
amplitude from player to player as well as trying to manage it within your
own range. Two-ten — a harmonic with two peaks across the width
of the field and ten along its length, cycling at 1,160 milliHertz — was
filling up as Chusok drove unwanted amplitude from various lower-energy
modes into it. It was Jamil's role to empty it, putting the amplitude somewhere
useful. Any mode with an even number of peaks across the field was unfavourable
for scoring, because it had a node — a zero point between the peaks — smack
in the middle of both goals.
Jamil acknowledged the request with a hand signal and shifted
his trajectory. It was almost a decade since he'd last played the game,
but he still knew the intricate web of possibilities by heart: he could
drain the two-ten harmonic into the three-ten, five-two and five-six modes
— all with “good parity”, peaks along the centre-line — in a single action.
As he pounded across the grass, carefully judging the correct
angle by sight, increasing his speed until he felt the destructive beats
give way to a steady force like a constant breeze, he suddenly recalled
a time — centuries before, in another city — when he'd played with one
team, week after week, for forty years. Faces and voices swam in his head.
Hashim, Jamil's ninety-eighth child, and Hashim's granddaughter Laila had
played beside him. But he'd burnt his house and moved on, and when that
era touched him at all now it was like an unexpected gift. The scent of
the grass, the shouts of the players, the soles of his feet striking the
ground, resonated with every other moment he'd spent the same way, bridging
the centuries, binding his life together. He never truly felt the scale
of it when he sought it out deliberately; it was always small things, tightly
focused moments like this, that burst the horizon of his everyday concerns
and confronted him with the astonishing vista.
The two-ten mode was draining faster than he'd expected; the see-sawing
centre-line dip in the wave was vanishing before his eyes. He looked around,
and saw Margit performing an elaborate Lissajous manoeuvre, smoothly orchestrating
a dozen transitions at once. Jamil froze and watched her, admiring her
virtuosity while he tried to decide what to do next; there was no point
competing with her when she was doing such a good job of completing the
task Chusok had set him.
Margit was his opponent, but they were both aiming for exactly
the same kind of spectrum. The symmetry of the field meant that any scoring
wave would work equally well for either side — but only one team could
be the first to reap the benefit, the first to have more than half the
wave's probability packed into their goal. So the two teams were obliged
to cooperate at first, and it was only as the wave took shape from their
combined efforts that it gradually became apparent which side would gain
by sculpting it to perfection as rapidly as possible, and which would gain
by spoiling it for the first chance, then honing it for the rebound.
Penina chided him over her shoulder as she jogged past, “You want
to leave her to clean up four-six, as well?” She was smiling, but Jamil
was stung; he'd been motionless for ten or fifteen seconds. It was not
forbidden to drag your feet and rely on your opponents to do all the work,
but it was regarded as a shamefully impoverished strategy. It was also
very risky, handing them the opportunity to set up a wave that was almost
impossible to exploit yourself.
He reassessed the spectrum, and quickly sorted through the alternatives.
Whatever he did would have unwanted side effects; there was no magic way
to avoid influencing modes in other players' territory, and any action
that would drive the transitions he needed would also trigger a multitude
of others, up and down the spectrum. Finally, he made a choice that would
weaken the offending mode while causing as little disruption as possible.
Jamil immersed himself in the game, planning each transition two
steps in advance, switching strategy half-way through a run if he had to,
but staying in motion until the sweat dripped from his body, until his
calves burned, until his blood sang. He wasn't blinded to the raw pleasures
of the moment, or to memories of games past, but he let them wash over
him, like the breeze that rose up and cooled his skin with no need for
acknowledgement. Familiar voices shouted terse commands at him; as the
wave came closer to a scoring spectrum every trace of superfluous conversation
vanished, every idle glance gave way to frantic, purposeful gestures. To
a bystander, this might have seemed like the height of dehumanisation:
twenty-two people reduced to grunting cogs in a pointless machine. Jamil
smiled at the thought but refused to be distracted into a complicated imaginary
rebuttal. Every step he took was the answer to that, every hoarse plea
to Yann or Joracy, Chusok or Maria, Eudore or Halide. These were his friends,
and he was back among them. Back in the world.
The first chance of a goal was thirty seconds away, and the opportunity
would fall to Jamil's team; a few tiny shifts in amplitude would clinch
it. Margit kept her distance, but Jamil could sense her eyes on him constantly
— and literally feel her at work through his skin as she slackened his
contact with the wave. In theory, by mirroring your opponent's movements
at the correct position on the field you could undermine everything they
did, though in practice not even the most skilful team could keep the spectrum
completely frozen. Going further and spoiling was a tug of war you didn't
want to win too well: if you degraded the wave too much, your opponent's
task — spoiling your own subsequent chance at a goal — became far easier.
Jamil still had two bad-parity modes that he was hoping to weaken,
but every time he changed velocity to try a new transition, Margit responded
in an instant, blocking him. He gestured to Chusok for help; Chusok had
his own problems with Ezequiel, but he could still make trouble for Margit
by choosing where he placed unwanted amplitude. Jamil shook sweat out of
his eyes; he could see the characteristic “stepping stone” pattern of lobes
forming, a sign that the wave would soon converge on the goal, but from
the middle of the field it was impossible to judge their shape accurately
enough to know what, if anything, remained to be done.
Suddenly, Jamil felt the wave push against him. He didn't waste
time looking around for Margit; Chusok must have succeeded in distracting
her. He was almost at the boundary line, but he managed to reverse smoothly,
continuing to drive both the transitions he'd been aiming for.
Two long lobes of probability, each modulated by a series of oscillating
mounds, raced along the sides of the field. A third, shorter lobe running
along the centre-line melted away, reappeared, then merged with the others
as they touched the end of the field, forming an almost rectangular plateau
encompassing the goal.
The plateau became a pillar of light, growing narrower and higher
as dozens of modes, all finally in phase, crashed together against the
impenetrable barrier of the field's boundary. A shallow residue was still
spread across the entire field, and a diminishing sequence of elliptical
lobes trailed away from the goal like a staircase, but most of the wave
that had started out lapping around their waists was now concentrated in
a single peak that towered above their heads, nine or ten metres tall.
For an instant, it was motionless.
Then it began to fall.
The umpire said, “Forty-nine point eight.”
The wave packet had not been tight enough.
Jamil struggled to shrug off his disappointment and throw his
instincts into reverse. The other team had fifty seconds, now, to fine-tune
the spectrum and ensure that the reflected packet was just a fraction narrower
when it reformed, at the opposite end of the field.
As the pillar collapsed, replaying its synthesis in reverse, Jamil
caught sight of Margit. She smiled at him calmly, and it suddenly struck
him: She'd known they couldn't make the goal. That was why she'd stopped
opposing him. She'd let him work towards sharpening the wave for a
few seconds, knowing that it was already too late for him, knowing that
her own team would gain from the slight improvement.
Jamil was impressed; it took an extraordinary level of skill and
confidence to do what she'd just done. For all the time he'd spent away,
he knew exactly what to expect from the rest of the players, and in Margit's
absence he would probably have been wishing out loud for a talented newcomer
to make the game interesting again. Still, it was hard not to feel a slight
sting of resentment. Someone should have warned him just how good she was.
With the modes slipping out of phase, the wave undulated all over
the field again, but its reconvergence was inevitable: unlike a wave of
water or sound, it possessed no hidden degrees of freedom to grind its
precision into entropy. Jamil decided to ignore Margit; there were cruder
strategies than mirror-blocking that worked almost as well. Chusok was
filling the two-ten mode now; Jamil chose the four-six as his spoiler.
All they had to do was keep the wave from growing much sharper, and it
didn't matter whether they achieved this by preserving the status quo,
or by nudging it from one kind of bluntness to another.
The steady resistance he felt as he ran told Jamil that he was
driving the transition, unblocked, but he searched in vain for some visible
sign of success. When he reached a vantage point where he could take in
enough of the field in one glance to judge the spectrum properly, he noticed
a rapidly vibrating shimmer across the width of the wave. He counted nine
peaks: good parity. Margit had pulled most of the amplitude straight out
of his spoiler mode and fed it into this. It was a mad waste of
energy to aim for such an elevated harmonic, but no one had been looking
there, no one had stopped her.
The scoring pattern was forming again, he only had nine or ten
seconds left to make up for all the time he'd wasted. Jamil chose the strongest
good-parity mode in his territory, and the emptiest bad one, computed the
velocity that would link them, and ran.
He didn't dare turn to watch the opposition goal; he didn't want
to break his concentration. The wave retreated around his feet, less like
an Earthly ebb tide than an ocean drawn into the sky by a passing black
hole. The city diligently portrayed the shadow that his body would have
cast, shrinking in front of him as the tower of light rose.
The verdict was announced. “Fifty point one.”
The air was filled with shouts of triumph — Ezequiel's the loudest,
as always. Jamil sagged to his knees, laughing. It was a curious feeling,
familiar as it was: he cared, and he didn't. If he'd been wholly indifferent
to the outcome of the game there would have been no pleasure in it, but
obsessing over every defeat — or every victory — could ruin it just as
thoroughly. He could almost see himself walking the line, orchestrating
his response as carefully as any action in the game itself.
He lay down on the grass to catch his breath before play resumed.
The outer face of the microsun that orbited Laplace was shielded with rock,
but light reflected skywards from the land beneath it crossed the 100,000
kilometre width of the 3-toroidal universe to give a faint glow to the
planet's nightside. Though only a sliver was lit directly, Jamil could
discern the full disk of the opposite hemisphere in the primary image at
the zenith: continents and oceans that lay, by a shorter route, 12,000
or so kilometres beneath him. Other views in the lattice of images spread
across the sky were from different angles, and showed substantial crescents
of the dayside itself. The one thing you couldn't find in any of these
images, even with a telescope, was your own city. The topology of this
universe let you see the back of your head, but never your reflection.
Jamil's team lost, three nil.
He staggered over to the fountains at the edge of the field and slaked
his thirst, shocked by the pleasure of the simple act. Just to be alive
was glorious now, but once he felt this way, anything seemed possible.
He was back in synch, back in phase, and he was going to make the most
of it, for however long it lasted.
He caught up with the others, who'd headed down towards the river.
Ezequiel hooked an arm around his neck, laughing. “Bad luck, Sleeping Beauty!
You picked the wrong time to wake. With Margit, we're invincible.”
Jamil ducked free of him. “I won't argue with that.” He looked
around. “Speaking of whom —”
Penina said, “Gone home. She plays, that's all. No frivolous socialising
after the match.”
Chusok added, “Or any other time.” Penina shot Jamil a glance
that meant: not for want of trying on Chusok's part.
Jamil pondered this, wondering why it annoyed him so much. On
the field, she hadn't come across as aloof and superior. Just unashamedly
good.
He queried the city, but she'd published nothing besides her name.
Nobody expected — or wished — to hear more than the tiniest fraction of
another person's history, but it was rare for anyone to start a new life
without carrying through something from the old as a kind of calling card,
some incident or achievement from which your new neighbours could form
an impression of you.
They'd reached the riverbank. Jamil pulled his shirt over his
head. “So what's her story? She must have told you something.”
Ezequiel said, “Only that she learnt to play a long time ago;
she won't say where or when. She arrived in Noether at the end of last
year, and grew a house on the southern outskirts. No one sees her around
much. No one even knows what she studies.”
Jamil shrugged, and waded in. “Ah well. It's a challenge to rise
to.” Penina laughed and splashed him teasingly. He protested, “I meant
beating her at the game.”
Chusok said wryly, “When you turned up, I thought you'd be our
secret weapon. The one player she didn't know inside out already.”
“I'm glad you didn't tell me that. I would have turned around
and fled straight back into hibernation.”
“I know. That's why we all kept quiet.” Chusok smiled. “Welcome
back.”
Penina said, “Yeah, welcome back, Jamil.”
Sunlight shone on the surface of the river. Jamil ached all over,
but the cool water was the perfect place to be. If he wished, he could
build a partition in his mind at the point where he stood right now, and
never fall beneath it. Other people lived that way, and it seemed to cost
them nothing. Contrast was overrated; no sane person spent half their time
driving spikes into their flesh for the sake of feeling better when they
stopped. Ezequiel lived every day with the happy boisterousness of a five-year-old;
Jamil sometimes found this annoying, but then any kind of disposition would
irritate someone. His own stretches of meaningless sombreness weren't exactly
a boon to his friends.
Chusok said, “I've invited everyone to a meal at my house tonight.
Will you come?”
Jamil thought it over, then shook his head. He still wasn't ready.
He couldn't force-feed himself with normality; it didn't speed his recovery,
it just drove him backwards.
Chusok looked disappointed, but there was nothing to be done about
that. Jamil promised him, “Next time. OK?”
Ezequiel sighed. “What are we going to do with you? You're worse
than Margit!” Jamil started backing away, but it was too late. Ezequiel
reached him in two casual strides, bent down and grabbed him around the
waist, hoisted him effortlessly onto one shoulder, then flung him through
the air into the depths of the river.
Jamil was woken by the scent of
wood smoke. His room was still filled with the night's grey shadows, but
when he propped himself up on one elbow and the window obliged him with
transparency, the city was etched clearly in the predawn light.
He dressed and left the house, surprised at the coolness of the
dew on his feet. No one else in his street seemed to be up; had they failed
to notice the smell, or did they already know to expect it? He turned a
corner and saw the rising column of soot, faintly lit with red from below.
The flames and the ruins were still hidden from him, but he knew whose
house it was.
When he reached the dying blaze, he crouched in the heat-withered
garden, cursing himself. Chusok had offered him the chance to join him
for his last meal in Noether. Whatever hints you dropped, it was customary
to tell no one that you were moving on. If you still had a lover, if you
still had young children, you never deserted them. But friends, you warned
in subtle ways. Before vanishing.
Jamil covered his head with his arms. He'd lived through this
countless times before, but it never became easier. If anything it grew
worse, as every departure was weighted with the memories of others. His
brothers and sisters had scattered across the branches of the New Territories.
He'd walked away from his father and mother when he was too young and confident
to realise how much it would hurt him, decades later. His own children
had all abandoned him eventually, far more often than he'd left them. It
was easier to leave an ex-lover than a grown child: something burned itself
out in a couple, almost naturally, as if ancestral biology had prepared
them for at least that one rift.
Jamil stopped fighting the tears. But as he brushed them away,
he caught sight of someone standing beside him. He looked up. It was Margit.
He felt a need to explain. He rose to his feet and addressed her.
“This was Chusok's house. We were good friends. I'd known him for ninety-six
years.”
Margit gazed back at him neutrally. “Boo hoo. Poor baby. You'll
never see your friend again.”
Jamil almost laughed, her rudeness was so surreal. He pushed on,
as if the only conceivable, polite response was to pretend that he hadn't
heard her. “No one is the kindest, the most generous, the most loyal. It
doesn't matter. That's not the point. Everyone's unique. Chusok was Chusok.”
He banged a fist against his chest, utterly heedless now of her contemptuous
words. “There's a hole in me, and it will never be filled.” That was the
truth, even though he'd grow around it. He should have gone to the meal,
it would have cost him nothing.
“You must be a real emotional Swiss cheese,” observed Margit tartly.
Jamil came to his senses. “Why don't you fuck off to some other
universe? No one wants you in Noether.”
Margit was amused. “You are a bad loser.”
Jamil gazed at her, honestly confused for a moment; the game had
slipped his mind completely. He gestured at the embers. “What are you doing
here? Why did you follow the smoke, if it wasn't regret at not saying goodbye
to him when you had the chance?” He wasn't sure how seriously to take Penina's
light-hearted insinuation, but if Chusok had fallen for Margit, and it
had not been reciprocated, that might even have been the reason he'd left.
She shook her head calmly. “He was nothing to me. I barely spoke
to him.”
“Well, that's your loss.”
“From the look of things, I'd say the loss was all yours.”
He had no reply. Margit turned and walked away.
Jamil crouched on the ground again, rocking back and forth, waiting
for the pain to subside.
Jamil spent the next week preparing
to resume his studies. The library had near-instantaneous contact with
every artificial universe in the New Territories, and the additional lightspeed
lag between Earth and the point in space from which the whole tree-structure
blossomed was only a few hours. Jamil had been to Earth, but only as a
tourist; land was scarce, they accepted no migrants. There were remote
planets you could live on, in the home universe, but you had to be a certain
kind of masochistic purist to want that. The precise reasons why his ancestors
had entered the New Territories had been forgotten generations before —
and it would have been presumptuous to track them down and ask them in
person — but given a choice between the then even-more-crowded Earth, the
horrifying reality of interstellar distances, and an endlessly extensible
branching chain of worlds which could be traversed within a matter of weeks,
the decision wasn't exactly baffling.
Jamil had devoted most of his time in Noether to studying the
category of representations of Lie groups on complex vector spaces — a
fitting choice, since Emmy Noether had been a pioneer of group theory,
and if she'd lived to see this field blossom she would probably have been
in the thick of it herself. Representations of Lie groups lay behind most
of physics: each kind of subatomic particle was really nothing but a particular
way of representing the universal symmetry group as a set of rotations
of complex vectors. Organising this kind of structure with category theory
was ancient knowledge, but Jamil didn't care; he'd long ago reconciled
himself to being a student, not a discoverer. The greatest gift of consciousness
was the ability to take the patterns of the world inside you, and for all
that he would have relished the thrill of being the first at anything,
with ten-to-the-sixteenth people alive that was a futile ambition for most.
In the library, he spoke with fellow students of his chosen field
on other worlds, or read their latest works. Though they were not researchers,
they could still put a new pedagogical spin on old material, enriching
the connections with other fields, finding ways to make the complex, subtle
truth easier to assimilate without sacrificing the depth and detail that
made it worth knowing in the first place. They would not advance the frontiers
of knowledge. They would not discover new principles of nature, or invent
new technologies. But to Jamil, understanding was an end in itself.
He rarely thought about the prospect of playing another match,
and when he did the idea was not appealing. With Chusok gone, the same
group could play ten-to-a-side without Jamil to skew the numbers. Margit
might even choose to swap teams, if only for the sake of proving that her
current team's monotonous string of victories really had been entirely
down to her.
When the day arrived, though, he found himself unable to stay
away. He turned up intending to remain a spectator, but Ryuichi had deserted
Ezequiel's team, and everyone begged Jamil to join in.
As he took his place opposite Margit, there was nothing in her
demeanour to acknowledge their previous encounter: no lingering contempt,
but no hint of shame either. Jamil resolved to put it out of his mind;
he owed it to his fellow players to concentrate on the game.
They lost, five nil.
Jamil forced himself to follow everyone to Eudore's house, to
celebrate, commiserate, or as it turned out, to forget the whole thing.
After they'd eaten, Jamil wandered from room to room, enjoying Eudore's
choice of music but unable to settle into any conversation. No one mentioned
Chusok in his hearing.
He left just after midnight. Laplace's near-full primary image
and its eight brightest gibbous companions lit the streets so well that
there was no need for anything more. Jamil thought: Chusok might have merely
travelled to another city, one beneath his gaze right now. And wherever
he'd gone, he might yet choose to stay in touch with his friends from Noether.
And his friends from the next town, and the next?Century after century?
Margit was sitting on Jamil's doorstep, holding a bunch of white
flowers in one hand.
Jamil was irritated. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to apologise.”
He shrugged. “There's no need. We feel differently about certain
things. That's fine. I can still face you on the playing field.”
“I'm not apologising for a difference of opinion. I wasn't honest
with you. I was cruel.” She shaded her eyes against the glare of the planet
and looked up at him. “You were right: it was my loss. I wish I'd known
your friend.”
He laughed curtly. “Well, it's too late for that.”
She said simply, “I know.”
Jamil relented. “Do you want to come in?” Margit nodded, and he
instructed the door to open for her. As he followed her inside, he said,
“How long have you been here? Have you eaten?”
“No.”
“I'll cook something for you.”
“You don't have to do that.”
He called out to her from the kitchen, “Think of it as a peace
offering. I don't have any flowers.”
Margit replied, “They're not for you. They're for Chusok's house.”
Jamil stopped rummaging through his vegetable bins, and walked
back into the living room. “People don't usually do that in Noether.”
Margit was sitting on the couch, staring at the floor. She said,
“I'm so lonely here. I can't bear it any more.”
He sat beside her. “Then why did you rebuff him? You could at
least have been friends.”
She shook her head. “Don't ask me to explain.”
Jamil took her hand. She turned and embraced him, trembling miserably.
He stroked her hair. “Sssh.”
She said, “Just sex. I don't want anything more.”
He groaned softly. “There's no such thing as that.”
“I just need someone to touch me again.”
“I understand.” He confessed, “So do I. But that won't be all.
So don't ask me to promise there'll be nothing more.”
Margit took his face in her hands and kissed him. Her mouth tasted
of wood smoke.
Jamil said, “I don't even know you.”
“No one knows anyone, any more.”
“That's not true.”
“No, it's not,” she conceded gloomily. She ran a hand lightly
along his arm. Jamil wanted badly to see her smile, so he made each dark
hair thicken and blossom into a violet flower as it passed beneath her
fingers.
She did smile, but she said, “I've seen that trick before.”
Jamil was annoyed. “I'm sure to be a disappointment all round,
then. I expect you'd be happier with some kind of novelty. A unicorn, or
an amoeba.”
She laughed. “I don't think so.” She took his hand and placed
it against her breast. “Do you ever get tired of sex?”
“Do you ever get tired of breathing?”
“I can go for a long time without thinking about it.”
He nodded. “But then one day you stop and fill your lungs with
air, and it's still as sweet as ever.”
Jamil didn't know what he was feeling any more. Lust. Compassion.
Spite. She'd come to him hurting, and he wanted to help her, but he wasn't
sure that either of them really believed this would work.
Margit inhaled the scent of the flowers on his arm. “Are they
the same colour? Everywhere else?”
He said, “There's only one way to find out.”
Jamil woke in the early hours
of the morning, alone. He'd half expected Margit to flee like this, but
she could have waited till dawn. He would have obligingly feigned sleep
while she dressed and tip-toed out.
Then he heard her. It was not a sound he would normally have associated
with a human being, but it could not have been anything else.
He found her in the kitchen, curled around a table leg, wailing
rhythmically. He stood back and watched her, afraid that anything he did
would only make things worse. She met his gaze in the half light, but kept
up the mechanical whimper. Her eyes weren't blank; she was not delirious,
or hallucinating. She knew exactly who, and where, she was.
Finally, Jamil knelt in the doorway. He said, “Whatever it is, you can
tell me. And we'll fix it. We'll find a way.”
She bared her teeth. “You can't fix it, you stupid child.”
She resumed the awful noise.
“Then just tell me. Please?” He stretched out a hand towards her.
He hadn't felt quite so helpless since his very first daughter, Aminata,
had come to him as an inconsolable six-year-old, rejected by the boy to
whom she'd declared her undying love. He'd been twenty-four years old;
a child himself. More than a thousand years ago. Where are you now,
Nata?
Margit said, “I promised. I'd never tell.”
“Promised who?”
“Myself.”
“Good. They're the easiest kind to break.”
She started weeping. It was a more ordinary sound, but it was even more
chilling. She was not a wounded animal now, an alien being suffering some
incomprehensible pain. Jamil approached her cautiously; she let him wrap
his arms around her shoulders.
He whispered, “Come to bed. The warmth will help. Just being held
will help.”
She spat at him derisively, “It won't bring her back.”
“Who?”
Margit stared at him in silence, as if he'd said something shocking.
Jamil insisted gently, “Who won't it bring back?” She'd lost a
friend, badly, the way he'd lost Chusok. That was why she'd sought him
out. He could help her through it. They could help each other through it.
She said, “It won't bring back the dead.”
Margit was seven thousand five
hundred and ninety-four years old. Jamil persuaded her to sit at the kitchen
table. He wrapped her in blankets, then fed her tomatoes and rice, as she
told him how she'd witnessed the birth of his world.
The promise had shimmered just beyond reach for decades. Almost
none of her contemporaries had believed it would happen, though the truth
should have been plain for centuries: the human body was a material
thing. In time, with enough knowledge and effort, it would become possible
to safeguard it from any kind of deterioration, any kind of harm. Stellar
evolution and cosmic entropy might or might not prove insurmountable, but
there'd be aeons to confront those challenges. In the middle of the twenty-first
century, the hurdles were aging, disease, violence, and an overcrowded
planet.
“Grace was my best friend. We were students.” Margit smiled. “Before
everyone was a student. We'd talk about it, but we didn't believe we'd
see it happen. It would come in another century. It would come for our
great-great-grandchildren. We'd hold infants on our knees in our twilight
years and tell ourselves: this one will never die.
“When we were both twenty-two, something happened. To both of
us.” She lowered her eyes. “We were kidnapped. We were raped. We were tortured.”
Jamil didn't know how to respond. These were just words to him:
he knew their meaning, he knew these acts would have hurt her, but she
might as well have been describing a mathematical theorem. He stretched
a hand across the table, but Margit ignored it. He said awkwardly, “This
was … the Holocaust?”
She looked up at him, shaking her head, almost laughing at his
naivete. “Not even one of them. Not a war, not a pogrom. Just one psychopathic
man. He locked us in his basement, for six months. He'd killed seven women.”
Tears began spilling down her cheeks. “He showed us the bodies. They were
buried right where we slept. He showed us how we'd end up, when he was
through with us.”
Jamil was numb. He'd known all his adult life what had once been
possible — what had once happened, to real people — but it had all been
consigned to history long before his birth. In retrospect it seemed almost
inconceivably stupid, but he'd always imagined that the changes had come
in such a way that no one still living had experienced these horrors. There'd
been no escaping the bare minimum, the logical necessity: his oldest living
ancestors must have watched their parents fall peacefully into eternal
sleep. But not this. Not a flesh-and-blood woman, sitting in front of him,
who'd been forced to sleep in a killer's graveyard.
He put his hand over hers, and choked out the words. “This man
… killed Grace? He killed your friend?”
Margit began sobbing, but she shook her head. “No, no. We got
out!” She twisted her mouth into a smile. “Someone stabbed the stupid fucker
in a bar-room brawl. We dug our way out while he was in hospital.” She
put her face down on the table and wept, but she held Jamil's hand against
her cheek. He couldn't understand what she'd lived through, but that didn't
mean he couldn't console her. Hadn't he touched his mother's face the same
way, when she was sad beyond his childish comprehension?
She composed herself, and continued. “We made a resolution, while
we were in there. If we survived, there'd be no more empty promises. No
more day dreams. What he'd done to those seven women — and what he'd done
to us — would become impossible.”
And it had. Whatever harm befell your body, you had the power
to shut off your senses and decline to experience it. If the flesh was
damaged, it could always be repaired or replaced. In the unlikely event
that your jewel itself was destroyed, everyone had backups, scattered across
universes. No human being could inflict physical pain on another. In theory,
you could still be killed, but it would take the same kind of resources
as destroying a galaxy. The only people who seriously contemplated either
were the villains in very bad operas.
Jamil's eyes narrowed in wonder. She'd spoken those last words
with such fierce pride that there was no question of her having failed.
“You are Ndoli? You invented the jewel?” As a child, he'd
been told that the machine in his skull had been designed by a man who'd
died long ago.
Margit stroked his hand, amused. “In those days, very few Hungarian
women could be mistaken for Nigerian men. I've never changed my body that
much, Jamil. I've always looked much as you see me.”
Jamil was relieved; if she'd been Ndoli himself, he might have
succumbed to sheer awe and started babbling idolatrous nonsense. “But you
worked with Ndoli? You and Grace?”
She shook her head. “We made the resolution, and then we floundered.
We were mathematicians, not neurologists. There were a thousand things
going on at once: tissue engineering, brain imaging, molecular computers.
We had no real idea where to put our efforts, which problems we should
bring our strengths to bear upon. Ndoli's work didn't come out of the blue
for us, but we played no part in it.
“For a while, almost everyone was nervous about switching from
the brain to the jewel. In the early days, the jewel was a separate device
that learned its task by mimicking the brain, and it had to be handed control
of the body at one chosen moment. It took another fifty years before it
could be engineered to replace the brain incrementally, neuron by neuron,
in a seamless transition throughout adolescence.”
So Grace had lived to see the jewel invented, but held back, and
died before she could use it? Jamil kept himself from blurting out this
conclusion; all his guesses had proved wrong so far.
Margit continued. “Some people weren't just nervous, though. You'd
be amazed how vehemently Ndoli was denounced in certain quarters. And I
don't just mean the fanatics who churned out paranoid tracts about ‘the
machines’ taking over, with their evil inhuman agendas. Some people's antagonism
had nothing to do with the specifics of the technology. They were opposed
to immortality, in principle.”
Jamil laughed. “Why?”
“Ten thousand years' worth of sophistry doesn't vanish overnight,”
Margit observed dryly. “Every human culture had expended vast amounts of
intellectual effort on the problem of coming to terms with death. Most
religions had constructed elaborate lies about it, making it out to be
something other than it was — though a few were dishonest about life, instead.
But even most secular philosophies were warped by the need to pretend that
death was for the best.
“It was the naturalistic fallacy at its most extreme — and its
most transparent, but that didn't stop anyone. Since any child could tell
you that death was meaningless, contingent, unjust, and abhorrent beyond
words, it was a hallmark of sophistication to believe otherwise. Writers
had consoled themselves for centuries with smug puritanical fables about
immortals who'd long for death — who'd beg for death. It would have
been too much to expect all those who were suddenly faced with the reality
of its banishment to confess that they'd been whistling in the dark. And
would-be moral philosophers — mostly those who'd experienced no greater
inconvenience in their lives than a late train or a surly waiter — began
wailing about the destruction of the human spirit by this hideous blight.
We needed death and suffering, to put steel into our souls! Not horrible,
horrible freedom and safety!”
Jamil smiled. “So there were buffoons. But in the end, surely
they swallowed their pride? If we're walking in a desert and I tell you
that the lake you see ahead is a mirage, I might cling stubbornly to my
own belief, to save myself from disappointment. But when we arrive, and
I'm proven wrong, I will drink from the lake.”
Margit nodded. “Most of the loudest of these people went quiet
in the end. But there were subtler arguments, too. Like it or not, all
our biology and all of our culture had evolved in the presence of
death. And almost every righteous struggle in history, every worthwhile
sacrifice, had been against suffering, against violence, against death.
Now, that struggle would become impossible.”
“Yes.” Jamil was mystified. “But only because it had triumphed.”
Margit said gently, “I know. There was no sense to it. And it
was always my belief that anything worth fighting for — over centuries,
over millennia — was worth attaining. It can't be noble to toil
for a cause, and even to die for it, unless it's also noble to succeed.
To claim otherwise isn't sophistication, it's just a kind of hypocrisy.
If it's better to travel than arrive, you shouldn't start the voyage in
the first place.
“I told Grace as much, and she agreed. We laughed together at
what we called the tragedians: the people who denounced the coming
age as the age without martyrs, the age without saints, the age without
revolutionaries. There would never be another Gandhi, another Mandela,
another Aung San Suu Kyi — and yes, that was a kind of loss, but
would any great leader have sentenced humanity to eternal misery, for the
sake of providing a suitable backdrop for eternal heroism? Well, some of
them would have. But the down-trodden themselves had better things to do.”
Margit fell silent. Jamil cleared her plate away, then sat opposite
her again. It was almost dawn.
“Of course, the jewel was not enough,” Margit continued. “With
care, Earth could support forty billion people, but where would the rest
go? The jewel made virtual reality the easiest escape route: for a fraction
of the space, a fraction of the energy, it could survive without a body
attached. Grace and I weren't horrified by that prospect, the way some
people were. But it was not the best outcome, it was not what most people
wanted, they way they wanted freedom from death.
“So we studied gravity, we studied the vacuum.”
Jamil feared making a fool of himself again, but from the expression
on her face he knew he wasn't wrong this time. M. Osvát and G.
Füst. Co-authors of the seminal paper, but no more was known about
them than those abbreviated names. “You gave us the New Territories?”
Margit nodded slightly. “Grace and I.”
Jamil was overwhelmed with love for her. He went to her and knelt
down to put his arms around her waist. Margit touched his shoulder. “Come
on, get up. Don't treat me like a god, it just makes me feel old.”
He stood, smiling abashedly. Anyone in pain deserved his help
— but if he was not in her debt, the word had no meaning.
“And Grace?” he asked.
Margit looked away. “Grace completed her work, and then decided
that she was a tragedian, after all. Rape was impossible. Torture was impossible.
Poverty was vanishing. Death was receding into cosmology, into metaphysics.
It was everything she'd hoped would come to pass. And for her, suddenly
faced with that fulfilment, everything that remained seemed trivial.
“One night, she climbed into the furnace in the basement of her
building. Her jewel survived the flames, but she'd erased it from within.”
It was morning now. Jamil was
beginning to feel disoriented; Margit should have vanished in daylight,
an apparition unable to persist in the mundane world.
“I'd lost other people who were close to me,” she said. “My parents.
My brother. Friends. And so had everyone around me, then. I wasn't special:
grief was still commonplace. But decade by decade, century by century,
we shrank into insignificance, those of us who knew what it meant to lose
someone for ever. We're less than one in a million, now.
“For a long time, I clung to my own generation. There were enclaves,
there were ghettos, where everyone understood the old days. I spent two
hundred years married to a man who wrote a play called We Who Have Known
the Dead — which was every bit as pretentious and self-pitying as you'd
guess from the title.” She smiled at the memory. “It was a horrible, self-devouring
world. If I'd stayed in it much longer, I would have followed Grace. I
would have begged for death.”
She looked up at Jamil. “It's people like you I want to be with:
people who don't understand. Your lives aren't trivial, any more
than the best parts of our own were: all the tranquillity, all the beauty,
all the happiness that made the sacrifices and the life-and-death struggles
worthwhile.
“The tragedians were wrong. They had everything upside-down. Death
never gave meaning to life: it was always the other way round. All of its
gravitas, all of its significance, was stolen from the things it ended.
But the value of life always lay entirely in itself — not in its loss,
not in its fragility.
“Grace should have lived to see that. She should have lived long
enough to understand that the world hadn't turned to ash.”
Jamil sat in silence, turning the whole confession over in his
mind, trying to absorb it well enough not to add to her distress with a
misjudged question. Finally, he ventured, “Why do you hold back from friendship
with us, though? Because we're just children to you? Children who can't
understand what you've lost?”
Margit shook her head vehemently. “I don't want you to
understand! People like me are the only blight on this world, the only
poison.” She smiled at Jamil's expression of anguish, and rushed to silence
him before he could swear that she was nothing of the kind. “Not in everything
we do and say, or everyone we touch: I'm not claiming that we're tainted,
in some fatuous mythological sense. But when I left the ghettos, I promised
myself that I wouldn't bring the past with me. Sometimes that's an easy
vow to keep. Sometimes it's not.”
“You've broken it tonight,” Jamil said plainly. “And neither of
us have been struck down by lightning.”
“I know.” She took his hand. “But I was wrong to tell you what
I have, and I'll fight to regain the strength to stay silent. I stand at
the border between two worlds, Jamil. I remember death, and I always will.
But my job now is to guard that border. To keep that knowledge from invading
your world.”
“We're not as fragile as you think,” he protested. “We all know
something about loss.”
Margit nodded soberly. “Your friend Chusok has vanished into the
crowd. That's how things work now: how you keep yourselves from suffocating
in a jungle of endlessly growing connections, or fragmenting into isolated
troupes of repertory players, endlessly churning out the same lines.
“You have your little deaths — and I don't call them that to deride
you. But I've seen both. And I promise you, they're not the same.”
In the weeks that followed, Jamil
resumed in full the life he'd made for himself in Noether. Five days in
seven were for the difficult beauty of mathematics. The rest were for his
friends.
He kept playing matches, and Margit's team kept winning. In the
sixth game, though, Jamil's team finally scored against her. Their defeat
was only three to one.
Each night, Jamil struggled with the question. What exactly did
he owe her? Eternal loyalty, eternal silence, eternal obedience? She hadn't
sworn him to secrecy; she'd extracted no promises at all. But he knew she
was trusting him to comply with her wishes, so what right did he have to
do otherwise?
Eight weeks after the night he'd spent with Margit, Jamil found
himself alone with Penina in a room in Joracy's house. They'd been talking
about the old days. Talking about Chusok.
Jamil said, “Margit lost someone, very close to her.”
Penina nodded matter-of-factly, but curled into a comfortable
position on the couch and prepared to take in every word.
“Not in the way we've lost Chusok. Not in the way you think at
all.”
Jamil approached the others, one by one. His confidence ebbed
and flowed. He'd glimpsed the old world, but he couldn't pretend to have
fathomed its inhabitants. What if Margit saw this as worse than betrayal
— as a further torture, a further rape?
But he couldn't stand by and leave her to the torture she'd inflicted
on herself.
Ezequiel was the hardest to face. Jamil spent a sick and sleepless
night beforehand, wondering if this would make him a monster, a corrupter
of children, the epitome of everything Margit believed she was fighting.
Ezequiel wept freely, but he was not a child. He was older than
Jamil, and he had more steel in his soul than any of them.
He said, “I guessed it might be that. I guessed she might have
seen the bad times. But I never found a way to ask her.”
The three lobes of probability
converged, melted into a plateau, rose into a pillar of light.
The umpire said, “Fifty-five point nine.” It was Margit's most
impressive goal yet.
Ezequiel whooped joyfully and ran towards her. When he scooped
her up in his arms and threw her across his shoulders, she laughed and
indulged him. When Jamil stood beside him and they made a joint throne
for her with their arms, she frowned down at him and said, “You shouldn't
be doing this. You're on the losing side.”
The rest of the players converged on them, cheering, and they
started down towards the river. Margit looked around nervously. “What is
this? We haven't finished playing.”
Penina said, “The game's over early, just this once. Think of
this as an invitation. We want you to swim with us. We want you to talk
to us. We want to hear everything about your life.”
Margit's composure began to crack. She squeezed Jamil's shoulder.
He whispered, “Say the word, and we'll put you down.”
Margit didn't whisper back; she shouted miserably, “What do you
want from me, you parasites? I've won your fucking game for you! What more
do you want?”
Jamil was mortified. He stopped and prepared to lower her, prepared
to retreat, but Ezequiel caught his arm.
Ezequiel said, “We want to be your border guards. We want to stand
beside you.”
Christa added, “We can't face what you've faced, but we want to
understand. As much as we can.”
Joracy spoke, then Yann, Narcyza, Maria, Halide. Margit looked
down on them, weeping, confused.
Jamil burnt with shame. He'd hijacked her, humiliated her. He'd
made everything worse. She'd flee Noether, flee into a new exile, more
alone than ever.
When everyone had spoken, silence descended. Margit trembled on
her throne.
Jamil faced the ground. He couldn't undo what he'd done. He said
quietly, “Now you know our wishes. Will you tell us yours?”
“Put me down.”
Jamil and Ezequiel complied.
Margit looked around at her teammates and opponents, her children,
her creation, her would-be friends.
She said, “I want to go to the river with you. I'm seven thousand
years old, and I want to learn to swim.”