"James Alan Gardner - League of Peoples 01 - Expendable" - читать интересную книгу автора (Gardner James Alan)

from the Academy, I wondered if it would end in "Oh Shit." An absent voice spoke in the quiet of my
quarters and I never knew if the next word would be the last. Sometimes I listened to blank silence for
half an hour, not wanting to believe that the report had ended.

The Admiralty never listed Explorers as dead. We were simplyLost... like old shoes that might turn up in
spring housecleaning. In private, Explorers used a different expression: we talked about our friends Going
Oh Shit.




My Lifestyle


I kept my distance from others on board our ship. I expect they were glad of it. I know I was.

There was once a time when I would eat in the public cafeteria to prove I wasn't afraid. As I carried my
tray into the dining room, conversation would dwindle while the crew waited to see which table I chose.
Some days I sat by myself. Other days I was invited to eat at this table or that. Now and then I
purposefully joined the group that seemed most likely to lose their appetites looking at me; but I grew out
of that after a few months in the service.

It took longer to see through those who welcomed me. Some were obvious, of course, like the ones
with religious leanings. For obscure reasons, bright-smiling proselytizers with God in their hearts were
drawn to me like beetles to carrion. They may have considered me desperate for acceptance of any
kindтАФan easy convert. Perhaps too, those eager believers thought that associating with a pariah would
purify their souls... like flagellation. Whatever the reason, I spent many mealtimes listening to guarantees
of spiritual fulfillment, if only I would come out to regular Fellowship meetings.

Different crew members chose to strike up conversations for the purpose of seduction. After all, a
woman like me had to be an easy sexual conquest; desperate and lonely, I would roll over like a dog at
the first sign of attention.

And with the lights out, they wouldn't see my face, would they?

I took a number of those calculating seducers to my bed anyway, just for the hell of itтАФI felt like I was
tricking them, exploiting them. In time, however, I wondered who was fooling whom. Ultimately, I
decided that celibacy was simpler.

Some people cultivated my friendship in the belief I could help with their careersтАФas Explorer First
Class, I ranked second only to the captain and was sometimes thought to be important. In fact, my rank
was merely a ploy to hide the reality of my situation. I would never get a position of command on a
starship; I knew nothing about ship operation. My only expertise lay in personal survival.

Was I ever invited to eat with anyone who had no ulterior motive? I can't say.