"Daniel Keyes - Flowers for Algernon UC" - читать интересную книгу автора (Keyes Daniel)

May 15 Dr. Strauss is very angry at me for not having written any progress reports in two weeks. HeТs justified because the lab is now paying me a regular salary. I told him I was too busy thinking and reading. When I pointed out that writing was such a slow process that it made me impatient with my poor handwriting, he suggested that I learn to type. ItТs much easier to write now because I can type nearly seventyfive words a minute. Dr. Strauss continually reminds me of the need to speak and write simply so that people will be able to understand me.
IТll try to review all the things that happened to me during the last two weeks. Algernon and I were presented to the American Psychological Association sitting in convention with the World Psychological Association last Tuesday. We created quite a sensation. Dr. Nemur and Dr. Strauss were proud of us.
I suspect that Dr. Nemur, who is sixtyЧten years older than Dr. StraussЧfinds it necessary to see tangible results of his work. Undoubtedly the result of pressure by Mrs. Nemur.
Contrary to my earlier impressions of him, I realize that Dr. Nemur is not at all a genius. He has a very good mind, but it struggles under the spectre of self-doubt. He wants people to take him for a genius. Therefore, it is important for him to feel that his work is accepted by the world. I believe that Dr. Nemur was afraid of further delay because he worried that someone else might make a discovery along these lines and take the credit from him.
Dr. Strauss on the other hand might be called a genius, although I feel that his areas of knowledge are too limited. He was educated in the tradition of narrow specialization; the broader aspects of background were neglected far more than necessaryЧeven for a neurosurgeon.
I was shocked to learn that the only ancient languages he could read were Latin, Greek, and Hebrew, and that he knows almost nothing of
mathematics beyond the elementary levels of the calculus of variations. When he admitted this to me, I found myself almost annoyed. It was as if heТd hidden this part of himself in order to deceive me, pretendingЧ as do many people IТve discoveredЧto be what he is not. No one IТve ever known is what he appears to be on the surface.
Dr. Nemur appears to be uncomfortable around me. Sometimes when I try to talk to him, he just looks at me strangely and turns away. I was angry at first when Dr. Strauss told me I was giving Dr. Nemur an inferiority complex. I thought he was mocking me and IТm oversensitive at being made fun of.
How was I to know that a highly respected psychoexperimentalist like Nemur was unacquainted with Hindustani and Chinese? ItТs absurd when you consider the work that is being done in India and China today in the very field of this study.
I asked Dr. Strauss how Nemur could refute RahajamatiТs attack on his method and results if Nemur couldnТt even read them in the first place. That strange look on Dr. StraussТ face can mean only one of two things. Either he doesnТt want to tell Nemur what theyТre saying in India, or elseЧand this worries meЧDr. Strauss doesnТt know either. I must be careful to speak and write clearly and simply so that people wonТt laugh.

May 18 I am very disturbed. I saw Miss Kinnian last night for the first time in over a week. I tried to avoid all discussions of intellectual concepts and to keep the conversation on a simple, everyday level, but she just stared at me blankly and asked me what I meant about the mathematical variance equivalent in DorbermannТs Fifth Concerto.
When I tried to explain she stopped me and laughed. I guess I got angry, but I suspect IТm approaching her on the wrong level. No matter what I try to discuss with her, I am unable to communicate. I must review VrostadtТs equations on Levels of Semantic Progression. I find that I donТt communicate with people much any more. Thank God for books and music and things I can think about. I am alone in my apartment at Mrs. FlynnТs boardinghouse most of the time and seldom speak to anyone.

May 20 I would not have noticed the new dishwasher, a boy of about sixteen, at the corner diner where I take my evening meals if not for the incident of the broken dishes.
They crashed to the floor, shattering and sending bits of white china
under the tables. The boy stood there1 dazed and frightened, holding the empty tray in his hand. The whistles and catcalls from the customers (the cries of Уhey, there go the profits!Ф. . . УMazeltovlФ
and Уwell, he didnТt work here very long.. .У which invariably seems to follow the breaking of glass or dishware in a public restaurant) all seemed to confuse him.
When the owner came to see what the excitement was about, the boy cowered as if he expected to be struck and threw up his arms as if to ward off the blow.
УAll right! All right, you dope,Ф shouted the owner, УdonТt just stand there! Get the broom and sweep that mess up. A broom. . . a broom, you idiot! ItТs in the kitchen. Sweep up all the pieces.Ф
The boy saw that he was not going to be punished. His frightened expression disappeared and he smiled and hummed as he came back with the broom to sweep the floor. A few of the rowdier customers kept up the remarks, amusing themselves at his expense.
УHere, sonny, over here thereТs a nice piece behind you. .
УCТmon, do it again. . .У
УHeТs not so dumb. ItТs easier to break Сem than to wash Сem. . .У
As his vacant eyes moved across the crowd of amused onlookers, he slowly mirrored their smiles and finally broke into an uncertain grin at the joke which he obviously did not understand.
I felt sick inside as I looked at his dull, vacuous smile, the wide, bright eyes of a child, uncertain but eager to please. They were laughing at him because he was mentally retarded.
And I had been laughing at him too.
Suddenly, I was furious at myself and all those who were smirking at him. I jumped up and shouted, УShut up! Leave him alone! ItТs not his fault he canТt understand! He canТt help what he is! But for GodТs sake
heТs still a human being!Ф
The room grew silent. I cursed myself for losing control and creating a scene. I tried not to look at the boy as I paid my check and walked out without touching my food. I felt ashamed for both of us.
How strange it is that people of honest feelings and sensibility, who would not take advantage of a man born without arms or legs or eyesЧ how such people think nothing of abusing a man born with low inteffigence. It infuriated me to think that not too long ago I, like this boy, had foolishly played the clown.
And I had almost forgotten.
IТd hidden the picture of the old Charlie Gordon from myself because
now that I was intelligent it was something that had to be pushed out of my mind. But today in looking at that boy, for the first time I saw what I had been. I was jusТt like him!
Only a short time ago, I learned that people laughed at me. Now I can see that unknowingly I joined with them in laughing at myself. That hurts most of all.
I have often reread my progress reports and seen the illiteracy, the childish naяvetщ, the mind of low intelligence peering from a dark room, through the keyhole, at the dazzling light outside. I see that even in my dullness I knew that I was inferioi, and that other people had something I lackedЧsomething denied me. In my mental blindness, I thought that it was somehow connected with the abifity to read and write, and I was sure that if I could get those skills I would automatically have inteffigence too.
Even a feeble-minded man wants to be like other men.
A child may not know how to feed itself, or what to eat, yet it knows of hunger.
This then is what I was like, I never knew. Even with my gift of intellectual awareness, I never really knew.
This day was good for me. Seeing the past more clearly, I have decided to use my knowledge and skills to work in the field of increasing human inteffigence levels. Who is better equipped for this work? Who else has lived in both worlds? These are my people. Let me use my gift to do something for them.
Tomorrow, I will discuss with Dr. Strauss the manner in which I can work in this area. I may be able to help him work out the problems of widespread use of the technique which was used on me. I have several good ideas of my own.
There is so much that might be done with this technique. If I could be made into a genius, what about thousands of others like myself? What fantastic levels might be achieved by using this technique on normal people? On geniuses?
There are so many doors to open. I am impatient to begin.

PROGRESS REPORT 13

May 23 It happened today. Algernon bit me. I visited the lab to see him as I do occasionally, and when I took him out of his cage, he snapped at my hand. I put him back and watched him for a while. He was unusually disturbed and vicious.
May 24 Burt, who is in charge of the experimental mliniAls, tells me that Algemon is changing. He is less co-operative; he refuses to run the maze any more; general motivation has decreased. And he hasnТt been eating. Everyone is upset about what this may mean.