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Open Open Letter

by Marc Laidlaw



Story Copyright (C) 2006, Marc Laidlaw.
Images Copyright (C) 2006, Rudy Rucker.
1,200 Words.




OPEN LETTER TO THE EDITOR OF THE MCSWEENEYS OPEN LETTER FEATURE WHO
REJECTED MY OPEN LETTER TO THE ELDERLY WOMAN WHO DANCES TO OBSCENE
RAP LYRICS AT THE END OF THE LATEST TEEN COMEDY

February 8, 2006

Dear McSweeneys Open Letter Feature Editor:

Frankly, I am disappointed in your response to my submission of an Open Letter to McSweeneyтАЩs Open
Letter feature. I believe this Open Letter, entitled тАЬOpen Letter to the Elderly Woman Who Dances to
Obscene Rap Lyrics at the End of the Latest Teen Comedy,тАЭ was as funny and inventive as the majority
of other тАЬOpen LettersтАЭ featured in your Open Letters feature. In a second attempt to convince you of
the suitability of my my Open Letter, I am submitting it again, although contained within this second Open
Letter format, believing that this will render it doubly suitable for your Open Letter feature. The original
Open Letter commences herewith:

September 28, 2003

Dear Senior Citizen #3:

Frankly, my disappointment at your recent performance in тАЬThe Latest Teen ComedyтАЭ knows no
bounds. The horrendously non-phat performance of Mr. Criggs, the swinish Vice Principle, I can
understand. His hypocrisy was apparent from the first. It was all too obvious that although he pretended
a priggish uprightness and complete inability to empathize with adolescent youth, this actually masked a
desperate desire to get тАЬdown and dirtyтАЭ with the kids in a way he had never managed during his own
high school years; and in particular, that he dreamed of debasing himself before the buxom cheerleader,
Deanna Deenie, whom he had emptily threatened with disciplinary action after the тАЬSperm DriveтАЭ
organized in the Monroe Mullet High School cafeteria. No, CriggsтАЩs about-face came as no surprise. He
had nothing to gain, no honor, no reputation, and he had already shown himself willing to stoop to any
level if he thought he could advance himself thereby. When he wagged his finger in Miss DeenieтАЩs face, I
knew that according to the rigorous formulae of all such films, he would eventually end up wagging that
finger in time to the raucous rhymes of wannabee Anglican rapper, 13 Quid.

But you, MaтАЩam, what did you stand to gain by writhing and wiggling and performing strained fly-girl
moves to the tuneless antipapist chants of тАЬDтАЩQuiddityтАЭ? Was there a single junior or senior Mullet High
student, male or female, who cared to see you aping their obscene waggle dance, while referring
explicitly to dildo-driven anal sex with girls 80 or 90 years your junior? Did you expect to gain the