"Barry N. Malzberg - Those Wonderful Years" - читать интересную книгу автора (Malzberg Barry N)

Her little face is set tight, her little breasts jut with argumentation; if I
touched her body my hands would recoil, I am sure, with a metallic spang.
She does not understand. Slowly I disengage myself from her, stand, walk
back through the lobby, gesticulating.

"I'm not ready to make a commitment," I say, "how can we know where
we're going until we know where we've been? You've got to understand
history, otherwise the sheer accumulation of data overwhelms," and so on
and so forth, now I am beyond the doors themselves, the cool,dense glaze
of air hitting me, ruffling my cheeks and still Elvira sits on the couch,
unmoving, her hands closeting her pocketbook, her eyes fixed straight
ahead. She seems to be speaking but I cannot hear a word which she is
saying. She mouthes polysyllables, I concentrate, but all is beyond me. "I'm
sorry," I say, "truly sorry," and walking back to the car feel a fine, true
instant of regret; I could come back to her, vault against her on the couch
and confess my sin: that dark, unspeakable stain which radiates from the
heart through all the tendrils of the body, that stain which begins in loss
and ends in acceptance but what good would it do me? Or her? No, our
relationship is obviously finished, I restore myself to the seat cushions of
my car, hurriedly start the motor and drive away, the radio, caught in the
gears, booming.

The Four Knights, '59, THE TEARS OF YOUR HEART. '59 was a year of
great transition just as this has been; everything hurt in '59, I let the
music run over me like blood and for an instant it is that year again and I
twenty years old trying to come to terms with matters which I do not even
remember. In retrospect I glimpse Elvira; she remains on the couch, she is
sunk on the couch like stone: already a perfect artifact nestled in
mucilage, on display for the tourista of recollection which in little fibers I
shall send on their way in all of the years to come.

III

A man with all of his limbs torn off by an automobile accident was
denied compensation when I was able to establish through delicate
interviewing and piecing together of evidence that the accident was
self-caused and therefore not covered under the terms of his particular
policy. For this I was given praise by my supervisor and a small bonus but
I cannot get over an unreasonable feeling of guilt even now as if somehow
it would have been better if I had falsified the interviews and
documentation and allowed the quadruple amputee to slip a false claim
through the company.

IV

A Festival of Revival is held at the large municipal auditorium which I
attend. All of the great performers of the '50's excepting only those who
have died or have gone on to better things are there: the Chryslers and the
Flyers, Lightnin' Joe and the Band, the Little Black Saddle, Tony
Annunzio. Seated in the third row orchestra, surrounded by stolid