I held Joisan in my arms. I was Kerovan, surely I was Kerovan.
Still —
Because that memory of the other one, the one who had worn my
body for a space as I have worn mail, clung, so did I also cling to
Joisan, who was human, who was living as I knew life and not —
Then the full sense of who and what I was as Kerovan returned.
Gently I loosed my hold of her. Standing, I drew her to her feet.
Then I was aware that the happiness of her face was fading and she
watched me with troubled eyes.
"You — you are going away!" She clutched my forearms with her
hands, would not let me turn from her. "I can feel it — you are
going from me because you wish to!" Now her words had an angry
ring.
I could remember our first meeting and how she had looked upon
me then — I who was not wholly human, part something else that I
did not yet know or understand.
"I am not an Old One," I told her straightly. "I am indeed
Kerovan, who was born thus!" I shook off her hold to step back and
show her one of those hoofed feet, thrust stiffly out that she
might see it plain. "I was born by sorcery, to become a tool for
one who aspired to the Power. You watched her try to destroy what
she had created, and instead she herself was destroyed."
Joisan glanced to where the flame had eaten up those two.
"Twice-cursed was I from the beginning: by my father's line
and by my mother's desire. Do you understand? No fit mate for any
human woman am I. I have said — Kerovan is dead. That is the truth,
just as Ulmsdale is destroyed, and with it all the House of Ulm . . . "
"You are my promised, wedded lord, call yourself what you
desire."
How could I break that tie she pulled so tight between us? Half
of me, no, more than half, wanted to yield, to be as other men. But
the fact that I had been a vessel into which something else had
poured, even though that was gone again — How could I be sure it
would not return, with force enough to reach out to Joisan? I could
not — tainted, cursed, deformed — give me that name best-suited. I
was no lord for her.
Once more I retreated, edging away, lest her hand meet mine once
again and I could not control the desire of that part of me
human-rooted. Yet I could not turn and go from her, leave her alone
in the Waste. And if I went with her, back to her people, could I
continue to hold to my resolve?
"Did you not listen to Neevor?" She did not follow me; rather
she stood, her hands clasped on her breast over the englobed
gryphon. "Did you not listen then?" Still there was anger in her
voice, and she regarded me as one who is exasperated by
stupidity.
"He called you kinsman — therefore you are more than you deem
yourself. You are you — no tool for any one, Kerovan. And you are
my dear Lord. If you strive to say me 'no,' then you shall discover
I have no pride. I shall follow wherever you go, and in the face of
all shall I claim you. Do you believe me?"
I did, and believing could see that now I could not deal
otherwise than seem to agree.
"Yes," I made simple answer.
"Good enough. And if in the future you try to walk away from me
again, never shall you find that easy." It was not a warning or a
promise, but a statement of fact. Having seemingly settled that to
her satisfaction, she looked once more to the cliff.
"Neevor spoke of a door and a key which I hold. Someday I shall
put that to the test."
"Someday?" Yes, I could remember Neevor's words better now that
I had my emotions under control.
"Yes. We — we are not ready — I think — I feel — " Joisan
nodded. "It is something we must do together, remember that,
Kerovan — together!"
"Where to, then? Back to your people?" I felt rootless, lost in
these dales. I would leave the choice to her, since all my ties
were gone save one.
"That is best," she answered briskly. "I have promised them what
measure of safety can be found nowadays. When they have won to
that, then we shall be free!"
Joisan flung wide her arms, as if the taste of that freedom was
already hers. But could it be freedom if she held to that other
tie? I would walk her road for now because I had no choice. But
never would I let her be the loser because she looked at me and saw
a Kerovan to whom she was oath-tied.
I held Joisan in my arms. I was Kerovan, surely I was Kerovan.
Still —
Because that memory of the other one, the one who had worn my
body for a space as I have worn mail, clung, so did I also cling to
Joisan, who was human, who was living as I knew life and not —
Then the full sense of who and what I was as Kerovan returned.
Gently I loosed my hold of her. Standing, I drew her to her feet.
Then I was aware that the happiness of her face was fading and she
watched me with troubled eyes.
"You — you are going away!" She clutched my forearms with her
hands, would not let me turn from her. "I can feel it — you are
going from me because you wish to!" Now her words had an angry
ring.
I could remember our first meeting and how she had looked upon
me then — I who was not wholly human, part something else that I
did not yet know or understand.
"I am not an Old One," I told her straightly. "I am indeed
Kerovan, who was born thus!" I shook off her hold to step back and
show her one of those hoofed feet, thrust stiffly out that she
might see it plain. "I was born by sorcery, to become a tool for
one who aspired to the Power. You watched her try to destroy what
she had created, and instead she herself was destroyed."
Joisan glanced to where the flame had eaten up those two.
"Twice-cursed was I from the beginning: by my father's line
and by my mother's desire. Do you understand? No fit mate for any
human woman am I. I have said — Kerovan is dead. That is the truth,
just as Ulmsdale is destroyed, and with it all the House of Ulm . . . "
"You are my promised, wedded lord, call yourself what you
desire."
How could I break that tie she pulled so tight between us? Half
of me, no, more than half, wanted to yield, to be as other men. But
the fact that I had been a vessel into which something else had
poured, even though that was gone again — How could I be sure it
would not return, with force enough to reach out to Joisan? I could
not — tainted, cursed, deformed — give me that name best-suited. I
was no lord for her.
Once more I retreated, edging away, lest her hand meet mine once
again and I could not control the desire of that part of me
human-rooted. Yet I could not turn and go from her, leave her alone
in the Waste. And if I went with her, back to her people, could I
continue to hold to my resolve?
"Did you not listen to Neevor?" She did not follow me; rather
she stood, her hands clasped on her breast over the englobed
gryphon. "Did you not listen then?" Still there was anger in her
voice, and she regarded me as one who is exasperated by
stupidity.
"He called you kinsman — therefore you are more than you deem
yourself. You are you — no tool for any one, Kerovan. And you are
my dear Lord. If you strive to say me 'no,' then you shall discover
I have no pride. I shall follow wherever you go, and in the face of
all shall I claim you. Do you believe me?"
I did, and believing could see that now I could not deal
otherwise than seem to agree.
"Yes," I made simple answer.
"Good enough. And if in the future you try to walk away from me
again, never shall you find that easy." It was not a warning or a
promise, but a statement of fact. Having seemingly settled that to
her satisfaction, she looked once more to the cliff.
"Neevor spoke of a door and a key which I hold. Someday I shall
put that to the test."
"Someday?" Yes, I could remember Neevor's words better now that
I had my emotions under control.
"Yes. We — we are not ready — I think — I feel — " Joisan
nodded. "It is something we must do together, remember that,
Kerovan — together!"
"Where to, then? Back to your people?" I felt rootless, lost in
these dales. I would leave the choice to her, since all my ties
were gone save one.
"That is best," she answered briskly. "I have promised them what
measure of safety can be found nowadays. When they have won to
that, then we shall be free!"
Joisan flung wide her arms, as if the taste of that freedom was
already hers. But could it be freedom if she held to that other
tie? I would walk her road for now because I had no choice. But
never would I let her be the loser because she looked at me and saw
a Kerovan to whom she was oath-tied.