"Robert Rankin - Raiders of the Lost Car Park" - читать интересную книгу автора (Robert Rankin)

`Hi there. My name's Minn's Music Mine and I'm a guitar shop. Like me to show you around?
Don't be shy. Step right up.
`OK. So this is my door. Note the steel cage bolted across it. And the signs. See these signs?
"Stolen guitar? No thanks!" and "Shoplifting is theft! We always pros-ecute!" and "Beware guard
dog! Got the balls to break in? You won't have `em when you break out!" See all those exclamation
marks? I am a security-conscious establishment!
`Now. Let's step inside. Mind the step there. OK. Allow me to draw your attention to the carpet.
Note the cunning arabesques woven into its quality fabric. These are musical notes. A carpet not
dissimilar to this once featured on Six Five Special. You never heard of Six Five Special? You weren't
even born? No, I guess not. Never mind.
`And you can't see any musical notes anyway? They're there. Under all the stains and the cigarette,
burns and stuff They're there! I'm telling you. Now see here, these, to your right. Amplifiers. And
speakers. Lots of speakers. The tall ones are WEM Vendettas. You've never heard of WEM
Vendettas? Yeah, well, they're quite old. They're on special offer. Have been for some years.
`But these are new. See these? Japanese guitars. You get the whole works for less than г100. Axe,
strap, lead, plectrum, amp, speaker, play-in-a-day hand-book. The whole works. Bottom of the range,
these guys. We sell plenty. They're crap as it happens.
`What? Your mate has one? He says it's "ex-cellent"? Fair enough.
`OK. Now, careful where you stand, or you might step in a saucerful of cigarette butts. You'll see
quite a lot of those in here. All the saucers are, you will `note, full. And lying all around and about
amongst them, see these? Coffee mugs. And in them. Precisely one quarter of an inch of congealed black
gunk. No more, no less. That's the way we do business.
`Why? Why what? Why all the full ashtrays and the coffee mugs with exactly one quarter of an inch
of congealed black gunk? Why? You're asking me why? Well, that's what you have in guitar shops.
That's why. It's a tradition, or an old charter. Or something.
`Look, forget about the ashtrays. Come and see these. Here. All over this wall. Polaroid photos.
Rock stars. Rock stars past and present. Mostly past, I guess. But they've all been in here. You can see
my owner, Mr Minns, in many of them too. There's one of him with Charlie Watts. He bought a practice
pad in here once. Watts. Charlie Watts. You never heard of Charlie Watts?
`Never mind. Now. Guitars. Do we have guitars. The racks here. These are your "Spanish
beginners". Boxwood. Narrow necks, so kids can get their little fingers around them. And the rack up on
the wall. Your г200-plus acoustics. Up out of the way where the bloody kids can't get their fingers
around them. And right up there. Top of the world, Ma, as we say, is an original Les Paul Sunburst. The
pride of my owner's collection. He'd never sell it, of course. Check out the patina. And the frets. See
these frets? Tasmanian porcupine quill. And the inlay on the linger-boards. Mother-of-pearl. You can
almost taste the sustain. A Les Paul original. Les Paul. Les Paul? You're standing in a guitar shop and
you have the gall to ask who is Les Paul? For Chrisakes, fella, I can put up with so much and then no
more! You have a crack at my carpet! You snub my saucers! You poo-poo my polaroids!
`But Les Paul! What the hell did you come in here for anyway?
`The Who? There's a polaroid over there of Mr Minns being beaten up by Keith Moon. Not that
Who. What who then?
`Oh. I see. The who with the blue eyes and the blond hair. The Gandhi's Hairdryer World Tour
93 T-shirt and the tight blue jeans. The who sitting on the stool playing the Stratocaster.
That who. Ah yeah. That who.'

`That who' was practising her guitar licks. If you're going to work in a guitar shop, you must know
your licks. And your riffs, of course. Your licks and your riffs. If you can't wield your axe and blast out a
passable `Stairway to Heaven' or `Sunshine of your Love', then forget it. Take the checkout job at
Tesco's.
Anna's licks were greatly admired locally. As were her riffs.