"Robert Rankin - The Greatest Show Off Earth" - читать интересную книгу автора (Rankin Robert)

voice. What is all this?'
'Spacemen' said Raymond through his fingers. 'From Uranus.'
'Uranus? Bugger that!' Simon jumped to his feet with a quite impressive display of
agility, considering his sorry condition, took to his heels and fled the allotments.
Raymond watched sadly as his friend vanished away into the darkness.
'Some thanks,' he said, for the second time in a single evening.
Abdullah the flying starfish waggled his monstrous appendages. 'Nice teeth your
mate,' spake he. 'No bottle though.'
'Eh?'
'Not like you.' The unwholesome middle section pulsed and throbbed. 'You're heroic.'
'Thanks.' Raymond struggled to his feet, a firm hold on his hooter.
'So,' said Abdullah, 'as you have now passed the initiative test, you are entitled to a
seat at The Grand Interplanetary Convention. It's on Venus.'
'Venus?'
'Venus. So, what do you say?'
Raymond wasn't at all sure just what he should say. It was all so, well, so unexpected
really. 'Could I have a few minutes to think about this?' he asked.
'No,' said Abdullah. 'You can't.'
'Oh. Well, then I suppose it's yes. All right.'
'Good man.' Abdullah's unenticing middle section bulged alarmingly and extruded an
obscene-looking tentacle with a big pink suction pad on the end. This fastened itself onto the
top of Raymond's head. Certain chemicals passed from it, entered him.
Raymond was aware of a popping in the ears and a metallic taste in his mouth. His
eyes crossed, his sphincter tightened. Oblivion overtook him.
When he awoke, it was to find that he was no longer on the allotments. And, as his
head began to clear and his senses to return, that he was no longer on the planet of his birth.
Perspective seemed all wrong and the colour of the sky was a muddy green. It was cold too.
Raymond rubbed at his arms. Then he glanced down at his arms. And his legs. He wasn't
wearing any clothes. He was naked.
He tried to stand, but bumped his head and sat back down. He was all sealed up
again, but this time inside a hollow sphere. He had a little seat to sit on. And what was this?
Raymond turned up a label that hung on a string about his neck. He read aloud the
words that were printed upon it.

GRAND INTERPLANETARY CONVENTION
CHARITY AUCTION.
LOT 23, SPECIMEN OF EARTH LIFE. MALE.
 'So,' said Raymond. 'That is the meaning of the word "schmuck".'

2
Simon lay a goodly while in the long grass beneath the fine old meadow oaks that bordered
the allotments. He'd witnessed the entire affair. Overheard Raymond's conversation with
Abdullah, and watched in wonder as his chum was sucked into the bowels of the flying
starfish and whisked away to outer space.
And now here he was, all on his own, wondering just what he should do next.
He hadn't really meant to run off like that. Not without first saying thanks to
Raymond for saving his life and everything. But he really hadn't had any choice in the matter.
Simon had read once in a medical magazine about this special chemical that you had inside
your brain. And how, in times of grave personal crisis, such as the threat of physical violence,
this special chemical weighed up the pros and cons and as quick as a flash decided whether