"Arkady & Boris Strugatsky - The Ugly Swans" - читать интересную книгу автора (Strugatski Arkady)

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 2 The Ugly Swans

drank even more than I do now, and, what's worse, I con-
sidered myself a great poet "
"Of course, this wouldn't mean anything to you, how could it?" Lola was saying. "Big city life, ballerinas,
actresses ... I know everything. Don't think that people here don't know. Your money, and your mistresses,
and the constant scandals. If you want to know the truth, I'm completely indifferent to all of it. I haven't
bothered you, you lived the way you wanted to."
". . . the thing that spoils her is that she talks a lot. When she was younger she was quiet, reticent,
mysterious. There are women who know from birth how to carry themselves. She knew. In fact, she's not
so bad now, either. When, for example, she sits on the couch holding a cigarette, silent, her knees on
display. ... Or when she suddenly puts her hands behind her head and stretches. A provincial lawyer would
be terribly im-pressed by it." Victor imagined a comfortable t6te-a-t┬гte: an end table next to the couch, a
bottle, champagne fizzing in crystal glasses, a box of chocolates tied up with a ribbon, and the lawyer
himself, all starched up and wearing a bow tie. Every-thing just as it's supposed to be, and then Irma walks
in. "Aw-ful," thought Victor. "She must be really unhappy."
"I shouldn't have to explain to you," Lola was saying, "that it's not a matter of money. Money won't help
now." She had already calmed down; the red spots had disappeared. "I know in your own way you're an
honest man, capricious and dis-organized, but not mean. You've always helped us financially and in this
respect I'm not making any demands on you. But now I need a different sort of help. ... I can't say I'm
happy, but you never succeeded in making me unhappy either. You have your life, and I have mine. I'm still
young, you know, I still have a lot ahead of me."
"I'll have to take the child," thought Victor. "Apparently she's already decided everything. If Irma stays
here, it'll be sheer hell. All right, but what will I do with her? Let's be honest," he said to himself. "You have
to be honest here, these aren't toys
The Ugly Swans 3

we're playing with." He very honestly recalled his life in the capital. "Bad," he thought. "Of course, I can
always get a housekeeper. That means renting an apartment. But that's be-side the point. She has to be
with me, not with a housekeeper. They say that the best children are the ones brought up by their fathers.
And I like her, even though she's very strange. And anyway, it's my duty. As an honest man, as a father.
And I feel guilty about her. But all this is playacting. What if I'm really honest? If I'm really honest, then I
have to admit that I'm frightened. Because she's going to stand in front of me, smiling like an adult with her
wide mouth, and what will I be able to tell her? Read, read more, read every day, you don't have to do
anything else, just read. She knows that without me, and I have nothing else to say to her. Which is why I'm
frightened. But that's not completely honest either. I don't feel like it, that's what it is. I'm used to being
alone. I like being alone. I don't want it any other way. That's the way it looks, if I'm honest. It looks
disgusting, like any other truth. It looks cynical, egotistical, and low. If I'm honest."
"Why aren't you saying anything?" asked Lola. "Are you planning to just sit there and not say anything?"
"No, no, I'm listening," said Victor, hastily.
"Listening to what? I've been waiting half an hour for you to deign to respond. After all, I'm not her only
parent...."
"Do I have to be honest with her too?" thought Victor. "She's about the last person in the world I want to
be honest with. Apparently she's decided that I can settle that sort of question right here, not leaving my
seat, between cigarettes."
"Get it into your head," said Lola, "I'm not saying that you should take her. I'm well aware that you
wouldn't, and thank God you wouldn't, you're no good at it. But you have connec-tions, friends, you've still
got a name. Help me set her up some-where. There are exclusive schools, boarding schools, special
in-stitutes. After all, she's talented; she's got a gift for languages, and math, and music."