"J.R.R. Tolkien - Bored of the Rings" - читать интересную книгу автора (Tolkien J.R.R)

_Of the Finding of the Ring_

As is told in the volume previous to this hound, _Valley of the Trolls_,
Dildo Bugger set out one day with a band of demented dwarves and a discredited
Rosicrucian named Goodgulf to separate a dragon from his hoard of short-term
municipals and convertible debentures. The quest was successful, and the
dragon, a prewar basilisk who smelled like a bus, was taken from behind while
he was clipping coupons. And yet, though many pointless and annoying deeds
were done, this adventure would concern us a good deal less than it does, if
that is possible, except for a bit of petty larceny Dildo did along the way to
keep his hand in. The party was ambushed in the Mealey Mountains by a roving
pack of narcs, and in hurrying to the aid of the embattled dwarves, Dildo
somehow lost his sense of direction and ended up in a cave a considerable
distance away. Finding himself at the mouth of a tunnel which led rather
perceptibly down, Dildo suffered a temporary recurrence of an old inner-ear
problem and went rushing along it to the rescue, as he thought, of his
friends. After running for some time and finding nothing but more tunnel, he
was beginning to feel he had taken a wrong turn somewhere when the passage
abruptly ended in a large cavern.
When Dildo's eyes became adjusted to the pale light, he found that the
grotto was almost filled by a wide, kidneyshaped lake where a nasty-looking
clown named Goddam paddled noisily about on an old rubber sea horse. He ate
raw fish and occasional side orders to travel from the outside world in the
form of lost travelers like Dildo, and he greeted Dildo's unexpected entrance
into his underground sauna in much the same way as he would the sudden arrival
of a Chicken Delight truck. But like anyone with boggie ancestry, Goddam
preferred the subtle approach in assaulting creatures over five inches high
and weighing more than ten pounds, and consequently he challenged Dildo to a
riddle game to gain time. Dildo, who had a sudden attack of amnesia regarding
the fact that the dwarves were being made into chutney outside the cave,
accepted.
They asked each other countless riddles, such as who played the Cisco
Kid and what was Krypton. In the end Dildo won the game. Stumped at last for a
riddle to ask, he cried out, as his hand fell on his snub-nosed .38, "What
have I got in my pocket?" This Goddam failed to answer, and growing impatient,
he paddled up to Dildo, whining, "Let me see, let me see." Dildo obliged by
pulling out the pistol and emptying it in Goddam's direction. The dark spoiled
his aim, and he managed only to deflate the rubber float, leaving Goddam to
flounder. Goddam, who couldn't swim, reached out his hand to Dildo and begged
him to pull him out, and as he did, Dildo noticed an interesting-looking ring
on his finger and pulled it off. He would have finished Goddam off then and
there, but pity stayed his hand. _It's a pity I've run out of bullets_, he
thought, as he went back up the tunnel, pursued by Goddam's cries of rage.
Now it is a curious fact that Dildo never told this story, explaining
that he had gotten the Ring from a pig's nose or a gumball machine--he
couldn't remember which. Goodgulf, who was naturally suspicious, finally
managed with the aid of one of his secret potions* [* Probably Sodium
Pentothal.] to drag the truth out of the boggie, but it disturbed him
considerably that Dildo, who was a perpetual and compulsive liar, would not