"Lisa Tuttle - A Cold Dish" - читать интересную книгу автора (Tuttle Lisa)

People who wouldn't adopt an unknown embryo responded differently to babies. I
was assured of this even before the fetus was implanted in my womb.

"Don't worry that you'll have to keep the babyтАФthere's already a loving home just
waiting for the little one to be born," said a bright-eyed, curly-haired social worker.
"If it would make you feel better, you can sign the adoption-release papers at any
time during your pregnancy. Would you like to do that now?"

But I wasn't willing to do or sign anything which might imply that I accepted what
was being done to me. Even though I didn't want a baby, and couldn't see how
keeping it could possibly benefit me, I resisted, almost instinctively.

I sometimes felt like a rat in a cage, but I was a clever rat. My mind never stopped
working furiously to find a way out. And if I couldn't get myself out, thenтАФclever,
nasty rat that I wasтАФI would make someone else suffer.

Not just anyone, though. I wanted revenge. Revenge would be my solace. I was
going to get the people who had done this to me. Josh? No. He'd been hurt enough.
My poor Abelard. He was a coward, that was all, desperate to save his own skin. I'd
loved him once, and couldn't forget that.

But I'd like the chance to do something to his lawyer. And the prudish gossip who'd
turned us in. And my useless lawyer, who had let this happen. And the judge. Yes,
above all, Judge Arnold Jason was the one I really wanted to see suffer. I had lots of
cruel and childish fantasies about what I'd do to him if I ever got the chance.тАж

I knew it was unlikely. I knew my fantasies of revenge would have to stay just that,
fantasies. And even they started to fade, as my pregnancy progressed, under the
softening effects of hormones andтАФmight as well give her the benefit of the
doubtтАФCarmen's professional counselling skills.

New fantasies crept in and took their place. Daydreams about motherhood. The
baby, instead of an unknown "unborn," became, in my dreams, Josh's son or
daughter. Although we couldn't be together, I would always have his baby.тАж

Sometimes I horrified myself.

And yet, on the other hand, why shouldn't I have a childтАФthis child? So what if I
hadn't chosen itтАФthe idea of choice was such a modern thing; maternal instinct (if
that's what I was feeling) was far more primitive. This baby was inside me, and that
made it mine. I began to hate the idea of losing it. The thought of handing my baby
over to strangers came to seem more of a punishment than even the pregnancy
itself. Like it or not, I was becoming a mother.

If I was going to do this, I knew I had to go in with my eyes open. My new
jobтАФentry-level data processing, if you please!тАФleft me with too much time to
fantasize. I decided to put that time to better use. I set out to research my baby's
background. I promised myself that if the baby inside me had come from someone
too obviously horrible and unfit, I would give it up, rather than raise a ticking genetic
time-bomb.