"Heartstone" - читать интересную книгу автора (Margolin Phillip)

5

The night lights of Portsmouth twinkled like grounded stars, then faded in brilliance as the red halo of the sunrise peeked above the horizon. Bobby Coolidge watched all this with dull, tired eyes from the couch in the darkened living room in Sarah Rhodes’s apartment. The red tip of a cigarette glowed at the end of loose fingers. His body slouched in the sofa and his legs rested on a glass-topped coffee table.

The process of turning night into day had taken some time, but Bobby’s conscious mind had missed most of it as it tried, with painstaking slowness, to piece together the remnants of a dream.

“Is anything wrong?” Sarah asked from the bedroom door.

“I couldn’t sleep. It’s nothing.”

Sarah watched his silhouette in the half light. They had been living together for the last month and she was still getting used to Bobby and his moods.

Bobby heard her bare feet pad across the hardwood floor and felt the cushions give way beside him.

“Is something bothering you, Bobby?” she asked softly. “This is the third night in a row that you haven’t slept.”

He turned to look at her. The weather was mild and she was sleeping in bikini panties and one of his tee shirts. The way she was leaning made the cotton fabric outline her nipples.

“It’s just the pressure of exams, that’s all,” he said, telling a half truth. He hoped she would accept his explanation and stop there, because he knew that he could not explain to her that the dreams had started again, creeping insidiously into his unconscious mind at night, when he had no defenses.

He thought that he had left them in Vietnam, but the pressure of finals had begun to build. Everything, his new life, his relationship with this girl, seemed to center on his staying in school. If he did not pass…If he failed…It was something he thought about all the time.

“Are you sure there’s nothing else?” she asked. He appreciated the sincerity of her concern. He had never had anyone care about him before. He felt her fingers run lightly through his hair and he leaned back and closed his eyes.

“It’s the tests. I think about them all the time. It’s just getting me down.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Bobby. I know you. You’ll do fine.”

She stroked his hair and he shifted his head to her shoulder. He was tired. It was the same cycle again. Not enough sleep at night and too tired to work during the day. And behind it all were the dreams.

He felt Sarah’s lips brush his cheek and he opened his eyes. She was staring at him. He brushed her hair aside and stroked her cheek. They held each other.

The sun was up now, bathing the sleepy valley in morning light. He watched the mist floating across the rooftops like steam in a bowl. She felt so soft and yielding.

“I know how to help you sleep,” she said, her voice a husky whisper.

He smiled. She did, too. She got slowly to her feet and stripped away her clothing. He followed her slim, naked figure into the bedroom.

But the lovemaking did not help. Even while he was inside her, even when he came, he could not experience the full pleasure of the act. One part of him was watching, unbelieving. What was Bobby Coolidge doing in bed with this make-believe girl? What was he doing in college? He didn’t belong here. He could not believe that it was real and that it would not end.

Sarah could see that her efforts to relax him had failed. She could feel the tension in his body and she could see the sadness when he was through. Bobby was a strange boy. Not at all like the boys she had dated in high school. That was part of his attraction. His age, the maturity of his friends. Most of them were veterans or at least older than the boys most of the other freshman girls were dating. It made her feel older and more sophisticated to think that a boy who had been to war-a boy who had killed-found her attractive.

She rubbed her hand across his chest and kissed his cheek. How complicated he was. That was another facet of the attraction. The boys she had dated before were simple. Carbon copies. The idle rich. Sports cars. The same past, present and future. But Bobby could not be read. Not entirely. He had dark corners, secrets. Like the war, which he would not discuss, or his past, to which he alluded in only the vaguest of terms. He seemed so vulnerable at times like tonight. A combination of strength and weakness that she found fascinating.

“Bobby, there is something wrong and I want you to tell me.”

Bobby said nothing, staring into the silence and breathing deeply, like a laborer carrying a heavy load.

“Bobby?” she repeated.

“I get scared that I’ll fail and all this…You mean so much to me. I think about what I’ll do if I don’t make it and about my brother.”

“Poor baby,” she said, stroking his cheek and shifting her weight across his right side. Her smooth skin felt good beneath his hand. “Underneath that tough exterior you’re a rabbit. But I know you, rabbit, and I know that you are strong and smart and good. And I know that you will make a success of whatever you do.”

He smiled sadly and held her tight.

“You’re steel, Sarah. You are the best part of the good things that have been happening to me. But you don’t really know me. You know this Bobby Coolidge, but you don’t know who I was before the war.”

“People don’t change that much, Bobby. Deep down you are always the same person.”

“No, Sarah. I did things before that I could never do now. Bad things.”

“Oh, Bobby, you like to dramatize so. I know you couldn’t do ‘bad things.’ Not really bad.”

“But I did. There’s blood on my hands, Sarah, and I can’t shut it out of my dreams. Whenever the pressure builds up in me, like now, the dreams start again and I see what I’ve done.”

“What, Bobby?” she asked, concerned now at the sudden change in him.

“I’m sorry I said…that I talked like this. Please, do me a favor. There are things about me…my past…that I don’t want you to know about. I can’t risk losing you and I know I would, if I told you. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I did and, now, I am asking you to forget that I did.”

“But, Bobby…”

“Please. I…You are the most important, most decent thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t want to lose you. Respect my wishes, this once.”

The look she gave him was peculiar and puzzled.

“Okay, Bobby. I won’t ask. I just wanted to help.”

“You do help. Just by being here. You are my fairy princess and I love you.”

He kissed her softly at first, then harder and his love swelled in him, out of control. This time there were no distractions.

TAPE # 2

DR. ARTHUR HOLLANDER: Well, Esther, do you feel comfortable about going ahead at this time?

ESTHER PEGALOSI: I do.

Q: All right. Good. Let’s just see how we do then. Do you want to just relax? That’s it. When you feel the hand moving toward your face, I want you to say “now.”

(PAUSE)

A: Now.

Q: All right. Let’s just keep that pleasant, comfortable feeling while we go back in time. We aren’t going to go back too far this time. Just to last week, a week ago today. You were in this office, you were lying on this chair very much as you are now. We had a very, very satisfying hour and after we finished you went out and met Roy, Mr. Shindler. And you went and got into his car.

Now, will you, as best you can, repeat that experience now. Don’t tell me about it. Review it in your mind’s eye. Exactly what happened until you arrived back at your apartment. Let me know when you’ve finished by saying “now.”

(PAUSE)

A: Now.

Q: Did that disturb you at all?

A: No.

Q: Would you be willing to repeat that experience for me?

A: Uh-huh.

Q: Okay. Tell me, if you wish to, as clearly as you can, as though it was happening right now, what happened. You leave through that door. You hear the screen door bounce back and bounce again.

A: We go out to the parking lot and Mr. Shindler tells me how good you said I did. How he is proud of me. I get in the front seat and we drive out of the parking lot.

Q: What street do you take, Esther?

A: Atlanta Boulevard. Then straight to Monroe. We talked about you. I said I thought that you were a nice man.

Q: Why thank you very much!

A: I said you sounded kind and you kind of understood things.

Then we went up Monroe ’til we got to the park and Mr. Shindler turned off there into the park. When we were driving, he asked me if anything looked familiar. First we looked at a place on a hill near one of the switchbacks where the road goes up. I said it looked familiar, because he took me there once before. To where he had found my glasses. But, otherwise, I said it didn’t.

We drove further on up and we went…we took a ride on a little kind of dirt road. And I had been watching the road to see if I could remember running down any of them and we went up this little dirt road then. But first, before we got to that road, we passed a place on the side of the road with a fireplace, kind of up on the top of the hill there. It was all grassy and I thought that picnic benches and things used to be there. And Roy said they had been and they moved them.

Then we went up past where some park benches used to be. We went up the dirt road to the right and it was kind of muddy and sloppy and we went up there and Roy was telling me that this was the road that the murder happened on. A little ahead. And I said that it seemed familiar, but I couldn’t remember for sure. But I did tell him that I know that there was this big, flat, real smooth place at the end of this road where it had been flattened out and all the weeds and everything were gone and he showed me the place and asked me if I could remember a ’55 red Mercury with red and yellow flames along the side parked near the trees at the far corner. But I didn’t remember.

Then we parked for a while and Roy asked me if I could remember being with Bobby and Billy that night and I could, but just early in the evening. And he asked if Bobby and Billy dragged on Monroe and I said sometimes.

After that we walked around the meadow and Mr. Shindler took me to the edge of the hill and showed me how, if a girl ran straight down it, she would be near where they found my glasses. But I didn’t remember any of it, so we got back in the car.

Q: Where are you going now?

A: We went back down and we didn’t go back toward town but to the left at the park entrance and we passed this house that was down a ways from the entrance. I noticed it when we passed it and Roy turned around and parked in front.

We got out and walked up the driveway a bit and Roy took me into the backyard and asked me, “Do you remember anything about dogs barking?” And I…

Q: Yes.

A: Well, I had never been here. I know it. But I got really scared. Like when you feel weak and faint. I thought then that I felt like something was going to come out.

Q: Can you feel that now? Would you be willing to re-create that feeling now?

A: I’d rather not.

Q: You said you had never been there before?

A: I can’t say for certain. But when I was there it was as if I had been. And when he said about the dogs barking I had this funny thought that he meant a kind of dog.

Q: What kind?

A: A German Shepherd.

Q: Why a German Shepherd?

A: I don’t know. Except we had one once. My stepfather killed it.

Q: He killed it?

A: It was after my mother divorced my real father. I was thirteen and she married this man. He was real strict and he had been in the psycho ward a couple of times after he got out of the Service. And he was an alcoholic.

He would drink, then he would beat us day and night. He stabbed my mother. I saw him. Then my mother took us away.

Q: You were going to tell me about the dog. The German Shepherd.

A: I was?

Q: Yes.

A: He killed it. It was my pet. We lived near these woods and I would walk with him. He was my only friend. Then he killed him to punish me when I disobeyed once. He shot my dog in the eye and made me watch.

(PAUSE)

Q: Do you want my handkerchief?

A: Thank you.

Q: Are you all right? Can you continue?

A: I’m okay.

Q: Why don’t you relax? Why don’t you lean back on the cool grass and let the breeze blow across your face? That’s it. Take a nice deep breath. When you can feel the breeze and see the cool, puff clouds tell me by saying “now.”

(Deep breathing then shallow breathing.)

Q: You’re okay.

A: Now.

Q: Okay. You’re relaxed and you are drifting back to last week and you are with Roy looking at that backyard and you have a strange feeling. Tell me about the feeling. You can re-create that feeling, because you are a strong and confident woman who is slowly becoming a person like you want yourself to be. A woman who controls her destiny. Do you feel relaxed and confident?

A: Yes.

Q: Then tell me what you feel. You see that dog as though it was happening right now, don’t you? Feel that feeling that you got when you saw that big, brown German Shepherd dog. Feel it. Then if there is something that you want to say, say it. But feel that feeling.

A: I know I’ve been there before.

Q: You know that you’ve been there before?

A: And I know that I was scared when I was there before.

Q: I want you to give me your best hunch what scared you. What scared you? First thought! First thought!

A: That we were going to get caught.

Q: Going to get caught? What would you be caught about?

A: Just being there.

Q: Be caught for being there? Why would that be bad? Why would anyone want to catch you for being there?

A: I don’t know.

Q: You don’t know?

A: I could guess, but I really don’t know.

Q: All right. Would you be willing to guess for me?

A: Uh-huh. I thought about it and after we left the house to drive me home, Roy told me that the murder happened just straight up the hill from the house and that the lady there had German Shepherds and they were acting up that night and she saw a girl running away. So maybe I thought it was me.

Q: But you were scared before Roy told you.

A: Yes.

Q: So how could you be scared if you didn’t know about the dogs yet?

A: I don’t know.

Q: You said “we were going to get caught.” Why we?

A: That’s funny.

Q: What?

A: Well, when I was there-in the driveway-I had the feeling like I was there twice. And once it was in a car.

Q: Oh, you mean you were up that driveway by that house in a car. Were you worrying about being caught because it was after the murder?

A: I don’t know when it was. All I can remember is just driving into the driveway and I think I was in the back seat of a car and it seemed like there was someone with me in the back.

Q: Did they pick you up on the road after you ran down the hill?

A: I can’t remember!

Q: Relax, Esther. That’s fine. Let it come! Let it come! Just let it come! I’m right here.

A: I can’t. (Screaming, crying.)

Q: Let it come. I’m right here. Let it all come out of your system. Let all of that feeling leave now. Let it all come out naturally and properly.

A: I can’t think. (Still crying.)

Q: All right. It’s all right. You’re doing a nice job. Don’t worry about thinking for a few moments.

(Still crying for a few moments.)

Q: Are you all right now?

A: I can’t remember. I can’t. I can’t remember.

Q: If you can’t recall…

A: I just can’t.

Q: I really appreciate your trying. You know that, don’t you, Esther?

A: If I could only get it out.

Q: Get what out?

A: Huh?

Q: What do you want to get out?

A: I…I just meant. To see if it really happened or if it didn’t. Sometimes I get confused, because we would go to the park all the time when I was in high school and I can’t remember if I’m remembering something I really did or if it’s from the murder.

Q: You’ve been to the meadow before?

A: I have been there over and over and over.

Q: I wanted to clear that up. You went there to pitch woo or something…and…

A: We went up there all the time to party and drink. It was a real good place to play spooks on Halloween because it was real spooky up there anyway. I used to go up there almost every Halloween, scare each other, run through the woods. Stuff like that. Only it didn’t seem familiar from that when I was in the driveway. It was so funny…that feeling…I know I’m afraid to remember.

Q: Well, I don’t blame you. I think I would be afraid to remember too.

A: It’s like I feel when I’m dreaming and I wake up. I can see the dream a little, but I can’t remember it.

Q: You are dreaming about this?

A: A little.

Q: Tell me about your dreams.

A: Sometimes I see Richie’s face. It’s covered in blood like in the picture Mr. Shindler showed me. Then I’m running. Whatever has happened has happened already and I run down the hill. And there is someone running with me and I think it is a girl. It didn’t seem like I was being chased. Just running. And then we are in a car. In the back seat.

Q: Can you see the girl’s face?

A: No. I woke up.

Q: Have you dreamed this more than once?

A: Twice since we went to the park last week.

Q: Do these dreams upset you?

A: Yes.

Q: How do you feel when you wake up from one of these dreams?

A: My heart is beating very fast and I can’t breathe. The first time I thought it was real for a moment.

Q: And you have never had these dreams before?

A: Well, I did once or twice.

Q: I thought you said it was since the park. When Roy drove you there.

A: Yes, but I have dreamed about the face. My Mom can tell you. When I was living home.

Q: Okay. Well, Esther, we have had a tiring session today. You have tried very hard and I am proud of you. Now, I am going to tell you something that will help you the next time that you wake up and you are afraid because of one of these dreams or whenever you are under pressure or begin to doubt that you are the strong, mature woman that we know you are. A woman capable of raising a child by herself. Of making it on her own. We can see that you are becoming the strong, confident person that you know you can be.

Now, the next time you are afraid, either here or at home or anywhere, I want you to relax and remember the feeling of my hand on your wrist. You don’t have to see the wrist or close your eyes or anything like that. Just remember how it feels and soon your hand will move toward your face and you will feel comfortable and relaxed and all of your tension will be gone.

Now, I want you to promise me that you will practice this at home. You can do it anytime you want. In your bedroom, while you watch TV. Will you promise me that you will practice?

A: Yes.

Q: Good. Now, in a few moments you are going to awaken from your trance, feeling refreshed, feeling strong and confident…

“Eddie!” Gary Barrick yelled, when he spotted Eddie Toller at the other end of the bar. The smoke was heavy in the Satin Slipper and the dim light distorted the features of the young, curly-haired man who was rising from his stool.

“Goddamn!” Eddie said, when he saw who had called his name. “How the hell you been?”

The two men smiled and shook hands vigorously.

“You’re lookin’ prosperous for a guy who’s only been out of the joint a couple of months.”

“Hey,” Eddie said, looking around to see if anyone had heard Gary’s remark. “Keep it down. Most people here don’t know I’ve been in prison.”

“Sorry, Eddie. What are you doin’?”

“I work here. I’m assistant manager,” he said with a trace of pride.

“No shit! That’s great. I’m glad things are workin’ for you.”

“Yeah, well it’s okay.” He shrugged. “How about you?”

Gary grinned.

“Same old thing. I ain’t got a job now, but I’m lookin’.”

Eddie motioned Gary to an empty booth and signaled for a waitress. A good-looking blonde with long legs swayed over to the table.

“What can I get you, Eddie?” she asked.

“Nothing for me, but it’s on the house for my friend. What are you drinking, Gary?”

Gary ordered and the blonde wiggled away.

“That’s all right,” Gary said, impressed. “You gettin’ any of that?”

“Sheila? No. I got my own girl. She works in the lounge, but she’s off tonight. When did you get into town?”

“Last month.”

“You got a place to stay?”

“Yeah. I’m with a chick I met. We’ll have to double, huh.”

Sheila returned with Gary’s drink and Gary and Eddie reminisced about the year they had spent as cellmates.

“So you’re straight now?” Gary asked.

“Yeah. I don’t mess around. Joyce and me are going to get married as soon as I save enough bread.”

“Married. This is serious.”

Eddie blushed.

“Yeah. I guess. I ain’t getting any younger, as they say.”

“Too bad,” Gary said wistfully.

“Why?”

Gary looked around the room and hunched forward.

“I got a honey of a job worked out and I could use another guy along.”

Eddie thought about it for a second, then shook his head.

“No, I don’t want to get mixed up in nothin’, Gary. This job don’t pay great, but it’s enough and it’s steady. Besides, I couldn’t stand to go back to the joint no more. I’m just getting too old for that stuff.”

Gary shrugged.

“To each his own. Say, I’ll give you my address and phone number.”

“No. I just don’t think I’m interested.”

“Not for that. To get together. I’d like to meet your chick. Old pals should keep in touch.”

Esther folded the baby’s wash and set the neat piles next to her own. She looked around the living room. All the ironing was done, the dishes were washed and the baby was asleep. She sagged into the secondhand armchair that sat across from the TV and let out a deep sigh. She was exhausted. All the same, the housework didn’t get her down as much as it had before she started going to Dr. Hollander.

He had made her see how important her work was. He had made her realize that not everyone could do the things that she was capable of doing, like raising a child by herself. She had thought that anyone could do it, but he had made her see that that was not so. It took a special kind of person to do what she was doing.

She looked at the clock. It was a quarter to nine. She could watch the last fifteen minutes of a TV show or she could practice her trance. She chose the latter. She had come to look forward to practicing her trance. It helped her to relax when she was tense. It helped her to get rid of her day-to-day anxieties and to become the woman she knew she could be: the strong, confident woman that she really wanted to be. The trance gave her a feeling of contentment that alcohol and pills never did. Her days were easier and her nights filled with deep sleep.

Almost as important, the trance helped her to think about the things that Dr. Hollander wanted her to recall. The shadowy, elusive thoughts that hid around the corners of her subconscious. With each session she was becoming more and more convinced that she was hiding something from herself about that night. She was sure of it. When the doctor or Roy talked about things that they thought she had done, they made so much sense. If it had happened, it must have happened the way they said.

Esther let her eyes close and imagined the doctor’s fingers on her wrist. There was a tingling in her limbs and she could begin to feel her body relaxing and her hand floating toward her face.

She looked forward to seeing Dr. Hollander each week. He was so kind, so, well, fatherly was the right word. He wasn’t like her other fathers had been, but like she wished they would have been. Always supporting her. Always helping her.

She even liked Roy now. She guessed that she had been wrong about him that first time, because he seemed so nice now. Always buying her things. Nothing expensive, except for her beautiful new clothes, but little things like flowers or gifts for the baby. He was so considerate. Like John had been. Roy was about the same age as John. Older men always seemed more considerate, although she had been with a few who were not. Roy reminded her of John. Of course, Roy was much smarter. She felt so dumb when she was around him and the doctor, although they never let on that they thought she was dumb. But she was. She always knew it. The only reason the boys had ever paid any attention to her in school was because she was pretty and she would do it with them. John had showed her respect. So had Dr. Hollander and Roy.

She had dreamt about Roy last night. When she woke up, she had felt uncomfortable, because the dream had been erotic. They had both been naked in a large bed. They weren’t in a room, she didn’t think. It had been hazy. Maybe there were clouds instead of walls. And he was on top and doing it to her.

She realized that she was growing tense and she concentrated on her wrist and the trance. She thought about what Roy and the doctor wanted from her. She wanted to help them very much. Some of their questions puzzled her, though. She wondered why Roy had asked her about Monroe and dragging. Did he think they had dragged Richie that night? She was certain they had not. There had been once that she was with someone who had dragged Richie, only she wasn’t sure if it had been Roger or if Billy and Bobby had been there. It was all so long ago.

But, what if it was that night…? Only it couldn’t have been. But, what if? Then, she might be wrong about other things. She didn’t feel relaxed anymore and she opened her eyes. Somehow, the trance was not working tonight. It was nine o’clock. She got up and turned on the television.