"Michael Stackpole "I, Jedi"" - читать интересную книгу автора

УYeah. Like you, for example.Ф
УMe?Ф
УYou're very closed, but bits leak out. Pride's hot enough to melt durasteel.Ф Streen shrugged. УAnd pain. Sense of judg-ment cuts like a lightsaber.Ф
УReally.Ф My expression sharpened. Streen could easily be taken for a doddering old fool, but he clearly was perceptive. Dismissing him would be doing him a disservice. УWhat do you mean?Ф
Streen chuckled. УYou don't like Gantoris.Ф
УDoesn't take Jedi skills to figure that out.Ф
УNo, guess it doesn't. He doesn't like you much, either.Ф Streen sat back, leaning on his elbows and forearms. УRemem-ber that exercise today?Ф
УWith Gantoris putting rocks in orbit?Ф
УThe same. You shouldn't be discouraged. When Master Luke and Gantoris came to Bespin to find me, they gave me a practical demonstration of how the Force can be used. Gantoris learned to push with his mind to make something move a ways away.Ф
My head came up. УI see.Ф Gantoris already knew how to use the Force to manipulate matter, which is why he excelled at the exercise. Luke didn't call him on it, on this advantage, when Gantoris started in on me. He could have had a thousand rea-sons for not doing that, not the least of which could have been to let Gantoris' words fuel my competitive sense. I didn't know if that was Luke's goal, or if what had happened would accom-plish that goal, but knowing Gantoris wasn't above taking ad-vantage of an opportunity was another datapoint I willingly logged.
Regardless, even that information didn't bring me any closer to feeling the Force.
УCan I ask you a question, Streen?Ф
УYou just did, but I'll give you another.Ф
УThanks.Ф I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.
УWhat does the Force feel like to you?Ф
УIt feels like ten kilos of life in a five-kilo box.Ф His voice gained in strength and lightened in tone. УI can only feel a trickle now, like dust motes floating in a sunbeam, one by one, just moving through me, but it's just so right there's no describ-ing it. It tickles a bit, feels like a first kiss, or the jolt you feel when the flux in sabacc just makes your hand better than what you were already betting.Ф
I wanted to quip that I'd had dates like that, but the pure wonderment in his voice would have made the joke sound bit-ter. УWow.Ф
УWhat's it feel like for you?Ф
I shook my head. УDon't know. I'm not feeling it. I think the Force in me is strong enough to let me do little things, but I've not felt what you describe. Nothing even close.Ф
УYou will.Ф
УI hope so.Ф
УYou will.Ф Streen's voice sank back to its lower tone. УLet me ask you a question.Ф
УFair trade.Ф
'Master Skywalker's talked a lot to us about the dark side and how it's selfish and evil and cruel.Ф УRight.Ф
УOkay, now you remember them rawwks I mentioned, how I never could teach one a trick? Well there was this one time there was one that seemed to be smarter than the others. Just a bit, not a whole lot, but a bit. And I thought he had real prom-ise, so I tried to teach him to unfurl one wing, then the other and hop up and down in time with a tune I was whistling. I just wanted to see him dance a little, just a little.Ф
The loneliness in Streen's voice started to squeeze my heart.
УI'm with you.Ф
УNow I thought, maybe, somehow, I didn't know how, that if I could just convince him to do it once and reward him, he'd do it more. I was getting real frustrated and even angry. And I guess I used the Force to make him do the dance to the music. Just once. And I didn't hurt him and I gave him food and all.Ф Streen's voice died amid a cacophony of stintaril howls. УWas I using the dark side? Was I doing evil?Ф
УI'm not sure that's a question I can answer.Ф
УGive it a try.Ф
I nodded and sighed heavily, watching my breath congeal into a cloud of white vapor. УIn an absolute sense, based on what Master Skywalker has told us, yes, you might have brushed up against the dark side. In a very real sense, though, what you did was selfish, but so minor, that on a scale of one to destroying Alderaan, it doesn't even rate a decimal point.Ф
The older man's nodding silhouette eclipsed stars. УAnd where would you rate your fabrications about your past?Ф УWhat?Ф
'Tve been told you're from a Corellian Jedi family and that you fought with the Rebellion.Ф УThat's all true.Ф
УBut that pride in you, that's the sort of pride built up from having done something. The story being told about you doesn't back it well.Ф
УI can see that. I guess it's all a matter of perspective.Ф I climbed back to my feet again. УFact is, what we were before probably isn't that important. I could tell you all sorts of things about myself. Some you might believe. Some you won't believe. Ultimately, though, not a one of them will help us become Jedi Knights. I'm proud of what I have done, but I'll be more proud to be a Jedi.Ф
Streen laughed a bit. УSo you're not lying, you're just not telling the whole truth because it won't mean much right now.Ф УI guess that's about it, yes.Ф
УI can live with that.Ф Streen hauled himself up to his feet and pointed to the turbolift. УWell, we might as well show the others we're smart enough to head in when it gets cold.Ф
УWouldn't do to have Jedi Knights seen as that stupid, would it?Ф I asked as I fell in step with him.
УNope, wouldn't do at all.Ф
Over the next several days we rotated through a series of exer-cises that underscored my inability to feel the Force. Other students had difficulties with various aspects of what I came to call pushing. Whether I was supposed to send something away, bring it near, raise it, lower it, move it at a distance or up close, I proved hideously inept at it. Whereas Luke used the aphorism УSize matters not,Ф to encourage others to forget their doubts; with me it became praise for even the least little twitch of a rock.
The fact was, however, that I couldn't make a ripple in a cup of water. And while my ability to sense foes and what they were planning to do got better, I still didn't feel the Force entering me from outside. My progression in defensive areas came from opening up more of the Force within me, but that opening seemed to come as part of my instinctual desire for self-preservation.
And I was blocked by my internal desire for preservation of self.
Something had to give, and I thought I saw a way to make it give. Luke had arranged us in a circle around a huge boulder buried halfway into the ground. He nodded toward it. УYou have all been told repeatedly that size does not matter. This is true. However, this does not mean all tasks will be simple. This rock, for all we know, is really just the top of a long plinth. We don't know how big it is. Moving it may not only take a titanic effort, but a sustained effort. With the Force flowing through you, you will be able to move it. If the Force is not flowing, the task will not be completed.Ф
He looked at each and everyone of us openly. УWho would be first to try?Ф
Gantoris took a step forward. УMaster, I would.Ф
УMaster, if you pleaseФ I bowed my head toward him. УI would be the first to do.Ф
Gantoris sneered in my direction. УYou? You will do noth-ing.Ф
Luke looked at me. УDo you think you are ready?Ф
I shrugged. УI believe I must do this. Perhaps in focusing on small things I have closed myself down to the Force. To feel it I must open myself to something more grand.Ф I looked around the circle, making eye contact with everyone. УI must move this rock, therefore I will move it. This I believe.Ф
I was counting heavily on the internal pressures of not want-ing to fail. I accepted that failure was possible, and was willing to live with the consequences of failure, which meant my at-tempt would not be frenzied or full of the negative emotions that heralded the dark side. I would just put my honest best effort forward. I would do all the things I had been taught to do, and I would succeed.