"The Lotus Eaters" - читать интересную книгу автора (Soli Tatjana)

SIX. Haa

To Civilize, to Transform

After months of pestering military command, she obtained permission to go out on ground search-and-clear missions. The military was not happy having a woman out in the field overnight, but they relented. She learned the art of shouting like a drill sergeant, cussing out officers with expletives when they tried to deny her access, realizing that it gave her a surprise advantage in making her demands. They figured any woman that tough could hack it on her own. They trotted out the worn-out old objections of lack of bathroom facilities and lust in the soldiers.

“It can’t be worse than fighting them off in the officers’ club, can it?” Helen asked.

Chuckles and permission granted. It was also a trick she played on herself: knowing that if she was successful, it would be too humiliating to back out of going. At first, with the newness of the experience, there was an undeniable excitement as well as paralyzing nerves. But even with that, the fear didn’t stop. The hardest thing was to give meaning to what appeared to have none.

She woke at three in the morning and two hours later was riding a clattering helicopter through the dark. They were dropped in the Phong Dinh area in the smudged light of predawn. A known hostile area, as most of the countryside was now turning. The South Vietnamese troops insisted on flying in the next day straight to the village, letting the Americans patrol the surrounding area in advance.

The officers were unhappy having her along, so she knew if she couldn’t keep up on patrol they’d use that as an excuse to send her back. The only way she could keep up in the heat and physical exertion was to lighten her load. She stripped out a normal supply pack from thirty to fifteen pounds. Although she was issued a flak jacket and helmet, she stopped wearing them out in the field. She sat on the flak jacket on the choppers like the men did, but then she left hers behind. The soldiers laughed that she was trying to out-John Wayne them, but it was just a matter of mobility.

The captain in charge of the mission was a twenty-six-year-old Swede from South Dakota named Sven Olsen. He was stocky and muscled, with a bulldog jaw and a smile that quickly flashed and then was gone. His eyes were a cool, hard blue that did not give away his thoughts.

“The most dangerous times for the FNGs are the first few times out. They get themselves killed by stupid mistakes. Stay in the middle of the formation, next to me, that’s the safest place. Don’t crowd up on the guy in front of you because if he trips something, we don’t need two dead for the price of one. Try to walk in the footsteps of the guy in front of you. If he’s okay, you’ll be okay.”

They waded through greenish gray paddy water the temperature of blood. Two hours later they climbed up to a dirt road and stopped for a break; the temperature was already ninety. When Helen took off her boots, her feet were bluish and shriveled, with a circle of black leeches feeding on her ankles. She pulled iodine Syrettes out of her pack and opened them, dousing the leeches till they dropped off. The point man, Samuels, came over and started burning them off her with the end of his cigarette. Olsen had given her an army pamphlet outlining VC explosive devices to be on the lookout for.

Helen buried her face in the booklet so she wouldn’t have to watch the leeches spasm and smoke as they burned. “This says to bypass booby-trapped areas,” she said.

Samuels paused and took a drag of his cigarette before he started on the leeches again. “Then we should be patrolling Wyoming because this shit hole is honeycombed with the stuff.”

He had the wide-open face of the Midwest, empty and innocent, but his eyes reminded her of the men stationed at firebases too long. His tanned arms were knotted with muscles, a green dragon tattoo wrapping around the left forearm under his flak jacket. He had been in-country for eight months.

“Come up front for some real fun,” he said.

Helen nodded but felt relieved that if she tried, Olsen would pull her back.

They started again down the wide dirt road.

Helen had been briefed on the various kinds of mines and booby traps to be aware of, but now, thinking where to put each footstep while watching the terrain around them frayed her nerves. She should be doing five things at once; like learning to drive, it needed to all become automatic. Whatever Olsen said, she couldn’t match her stride to the guy in front who was six feet tall. Constant guesswork whether a certain flat rock looked too inviting, if a patch of dirt seemed artificially mounded.

At eight in the morning, the day was so hot that her fatigues were soaked. Sweat poured into her eyes, forcing her to tie a bandanna around her forehead to keep her vision clear. A soldier behind her, Private First Class Tossi, handed her a roll of salt tablets that she chewed one after another. One more supply she’d need to start carrying in her pack.

“If you run out of salt tabs, suck on a pebble,” he said.

They approached a hamlet half an hour later, walking single file through a narrow break in the bamboo hedgerow that hid the village. The thatched dwellings were small, filthy, and sagging. The villagers looked at them with dead eyes and turned away, going about their business as if the troops were invisible. After they had passed, Helen saw a farmer turn an impassive face from the troops and slap his son so hard the child bawled.

The Vietnamese in the countryside seemed more foreign than in the cities. Smaller and darker and more hostile, making the Americans moving through their village feel like awkward and hated giants.

Tossi stood near Helen. “They give me the heebie-jeebies, the creepies, the way they are.”

After the hamlet was searched and secured, they sat in the shade of a grove of areca palms and pulled up pails of well water. Children peeked around the corners of huts and giggled as Helen took pictures of them. The men took off their helmets and poured whole buckets of water over themselves. Helen dipped her bandanna in the pail and wiped her face. Her vision swam. She opened a can of peaches, ate the whole thing in a few bites, and drank down the syrup. She bargained another can off Samuels in return for her ration of cigarettes.

As they prepared to leave, a young Vietnamese woman walked up to Helen and handed her a woven palm conical hat. She had a narrow oval face, almond skin; the soldiers growled out a few wolf whistles as she knelt down. Helen bowed and gave her the two candy bars she was saving as a bargaining chip for more peaches.

“Ohhh, baby, let me liberate you now!”

“Shut up,” Helen said. The men ignored Helen like a sister, but this woman was fair game. The hat, finely woven, had a pale flower painted along the brim. The girl bowed lower. “You’re scaring her.”

The woman rose quickly and made off. Helen put the hat on and was amazed by how light and cool it felt.

Nothing suspicious, they left the hamlet half an hour later, at ten o’clock, and continued on the dirt path that went along the river. The soldiers grumbled and finally Captain Olsen came up to her.

“I can’t order you, but the men want you to take that thing off.”

“It’s just a hat.”

The way he looked at her left no doubt that it was a kindly worded order. With regret, she made a production in front of Olsen of laying it on the side of the road. When she looked back, the line of soldiers had detoured, each man taking his turn to step on it with clumsy, muddied boots. It was the first time she felt something pull back inside of her-a distrust of her own soldiers.

Samuels offered her his bush hat. “Part of our pacification program. Don’t get on the wrong side of our hearts and minds.”

She took the cap meekly. Later, she picked a yellow daisy at the side of the road and tucked it behind her ear. “Am I going to be accused of being a peacenik now?”

Another hour, and they came to a small stream. The peasants crossed in narrow pole boats or walked across on monkey bridges made of single bamboo poles. The American soldiers were too big, loaded down too heavily, to try them. But Tossi, showing off, rushed halfway across one bridge before falling into waist-deep water. Everyone laughed and made catcalls. Even villagers stopped and hooted. The clowning was a relief, as if they were out on a nature hike.

One of the privates shuffled down a bank into a solid clump of reeds to wade across the stream. Next thing, the concussion from an explosion knocked everyone flat: earth and shards of metal rained down. A pressure-detonated case mine sheared off his left leg and buttock; he lay screaming in the river, a sudden flush of red all around him as the water leaked his blood away.

It was as unexpected and horrific as a traffic accident, and Helen sat frozen in place, stunned. But then, as a reflex, she lifted the camera and started shooting as two soldiers jumped in and dragged the private out of the water and onto dry ground. A Vietnamese man, close by the explosion, stood with an icicle-shaped piece of shrapnel coming out of his cheek.

The medic shot the private up with morphine and tried to stanch the blood with a large compress. The wounded man moaned and cried out. When he saw Helen, he yelled to the medic, “I don’t want a woman to see me this way.” Stricken, she moved out of his sight, her courage failing her. Nothing left to do but wait for the medevac, the medic left to patch up the Vietnamese man.

The private’s screams spooked them all; they stole looks at him, praying for the dustoff to come faster. When the morphine took effect, Helen braced herself and went over. “I’ll leave if you want me to.” His hand reached out to her, and she held it.

“Would you take my picture?” he said.

“I did. The next one will be when I visit you in the hospital.”

“Now. Send this one to my mother.”

“You don’t want your mother to see this.”

“Do it.”

Helen held her camera, wiping at her eyes so she could focus. He looked straight in the lens-cheeks and chest pitted with black shrapnel. One leg was straight out and ended in a boot, next to it there was a phantom space where the other leg should have been. A blanket was bundled around his groin.

“Don’t be so scared,” he said. “You look so frightened you’d think it was your leg. You’ll make it.” He seemed satisfied and looked away. Ten minutes later he died.

“I didn’t find out his name.”

The medic looked impatient. “Scanlon. Private Scanlon.”

Helen nodded as if the name were an explanation.

One soldier walked past. “Fucking Scanlon fucked up. And that’s the whole fucking story.”

His body was zippered into rubber. And then he was as gone as if he had never existed, and they moved on.

They crossed the stream in silence, for once walking in perfect formation, each alone with the new truth that if he died in the next moment, he would be as gone and as forgotten as Scanlon. The rage that filled her felt good, weighted her like a good meal or a strong drink, felt better than fear. The rage filled her so nothing else could get in.

Besides stolen American antipersonnel weapons being used against them, as they had been on MacCrae, they had to watch out for the enemy’s handmade traps that showed a peculiar genius. She had been told not to pick up any valuables such as books or hats or watches, to avoid lighters and canteens, to make a wide berth around unopened beer cans. Not to touch discarded enemy uniforms or helmets, and especially not VC flags because the enemy realized their souvenir value and booby-trapped them. Watch for obstructions such as large stones on a path or fallen logs or broken-down wheelbarrows. Keep an eye out for any unnatural appearance in fences, paint, vegetation, dust. Most of the men refused to use the outdoor latrines out of similar fears. After enough time, even the palm fronds waving in the wind came to look like razor-sharp knives.

When the men stopped to rest, Scanlon’s death unleashed their fears, and they passed around rumors they had heard: an officer sitting on a plush, mossy tree stump and blowing himself into a million pieces; a patrol coming upon an abandoned bunker and hearing the incessant crying of a baby, climbing down to investigate, and being incinerated. Endless war legends of booby-trapped hookers.

“These people simply don’t value life like we do.”

Helen heard that over and over. And, of course, after living through war for two generations, it seemed at some level to be true. Many of the Vietnamese seemed numb to the unrelenting death and destruction that was messing with these American boys’ minds.

It was hard to know what was true from what was false. Mostly, it depended on whose side you were on. Most of the time, the reality of a situation fell into a gray no-man’s-land in between. The Americans called it “the Vietnam war,” and the Vietnamese called it “the American war” to differentiate it from “the French war” that had come before it, although they referred to both wars as “the Wars of In dependence.” Most Americans found it highly insulting to be mentioned in the same breath with the colonial French.

At three o’clock they stopped to eat at the edge of the jungle that they would soon have to work their way through. The temperature more than a hundred and ten degrees, and the humidity almost as high. The men ate their rations in silence, and like a dealer Helen expertly traded her Lucky Strikes and C-rations of meatloaf for cans of peaches.

After half an hour, they rose again, but two soldiers remained on the ground, sweat-glazed, their skin the color of unripe fruit, from heat exhaustion. Another dustoff, and Helen felt a flutter in her stomach as the planes lifted and flew off. After all, she had the burden of choice. The rest of the soldiers hefted their packs and started into the jungle.

Helen could have left-this patrol wasn’t promising to yield any worthwhile pictures-but they had allowed her to come, had accepted her among them, and to her it was a point of honor to remain till the end.

Out in the open, the main danger came from the ground, but in the jungle danger existed at every height. Thick vines, accidentally touched, might swing back with a grenade at the end. Thin green bamboo, if tripped, was capable of whipping back with barb-point arrows.

She could see only a few feet in any direction, and claustrophobia made her long for the open paddies and roads they had just so gratefully left behind.

Under their feet the ground liquefied into a mud of vegetation that gave off a sour, green smell, like a thick, algae-filled pond. Behind her, Captain Olsen reached a hand out against a large green trunk and triggered a tiger trap from overhead. The board came crashing down with its rusted long spikes, but the new plant growth impeded it, and he just had time to roll off the path-only the edge of the board grazed his right forearm. They all squatted in place on alert as the medic bandaged him. He examined the rotting, rusting board and determined it had been there for years, if not decades.

“Probably had a Frenchman’s name on it,” Olsen said, laughing.

At six o’clock they broke through the jungle and found themselves on dry ground again. They had not encountered a single enemy soldier, yet it seemed the land itself, inhospitable and somber, was their enemy, bristled at their trespass, wore down their spirits.

They walked a quarter of a mile and stopped in a field at the side of the road, under an old French watchtower. The soldiers pulled out entrenching tools and dug in for the approaching night. Helen sat down, body aching, muscles quivering. Only the first day of a three-day patrol completed. She sat smoking a cigarette, a new habit, and watched the last golden light over the jungle. The air like velvet, filled with folds of pollen and insects. Once in a while, far away, she heard the sharp caw of a wild bird or the eerie wail of a monkey. The soldiers joked that you could throw a pit of fruit on the ground and come back a week later to find a tree, a week later and find it full of fruit, a week after that and find an orchard.

As the light faded to a deep purple, they watched a group of peasant women make their way home. The women talked animatedly until they saw the soldiers in the dark field, and then they grew silent.

“Well, boys, looks like we’re on the map now,” Olsen said. If the enemy didn’t yet know their location, they soon would.

“Don’t they know we’re here to save their asses?” Tossi complained. “Whoever heard of being afraid of the people you’re saving?”

“Maybe somebody forgot to translate that into Vietnamese,” Samuels said.

Olsen, Samuels, Tossi, and Helen huddled in the shallow foxhole to smoke and sleep while a perimeter guard kept watch in shifts. At first Helen tried to stay awake but kept nodding off; she gave up and slept even after the rain started, merely pulling the plastic poncho over herself. The bottom of the foxhole filled with water, but she guarded her camera equipment in an airtight plastic bag set on her stomach. The guys had great fun with the fact that she stored her film in condoms.

At dawn, stiff and wet, they drank lukewarm coffee and ate canned ham and eggs before breaking camp and moving out.

“You okay?” Tossi asked.

“I’m fine,” she said. “Just cold. And wet. And muddy.”

Tossi handed her a flask and some pills.

“What?”

“The pharmacy is open.”

She nodded and swallowed them daintily, an obedient child.

By eight o’clock it was again more than ninety degrees. The sun stiffened their wet uniforms. They arrived at their rendezvous point and waited for two Chinooks to bring in the company of South Vietnamese paratroopers to form a joint sweep of a ville consisting of nothing more than two dozen grass huts. The Vietnamese troopers jumped briskly out of the helicopters. They appeared small and clean and rested compared to the American soldiers. Their uniforms were freshly pressed.

“Do you ever get the idea,” Tossi whispered, “that we’re on the wrong side?”

“Hey, they know it’s too dangerous out here at night. We’re the only ones stupid enough to get our asses blown off,” Samuels said.

The Vietnamese trotted along the dikes in textbook perfect formation. The Americans had to lumber along with their packs to keep up, like overly protective parents.

“Sorry, Adams, looks like no pics for you today,” Captain Olsen said. “If they’re eager that practically guarantees the area has been cleared of VC. No action today.”

The Vietnamese troopers stormed the empty ville, M16s sweeping back and forth erratically. They stopped and struck heroic poses against empty buildings as if they were rehearsing a movie. Helen didn’t take a single picture. Excited and trigger-happy, a few of the SVA soldiers shot at a pig, the squeals unnerving Helen. They missed the lucky animal, who escaped. The Americans hung back, not wanting to get caught in the line of fire. As predicted, the place was empty, save for stray dogs and chickens. The sun beat a harsh white off the dirt, the only shade provided by a few old fruit trees, the ground underneath them littered with rotting mangos and papayas that perfumed the air. A few old women, tending children, stood warily in doorways.

The SVA troopers abruptly dropped their guns and declared lunchtime. A dozen chickens were procured, butchered, and cooked over open fires. The Americans stood in a knot, watching, weapons at the ready, until Captain Olsen shrugged and told everyone to take lunch. Then the Americans dropped their packs and opened up cans. A few Vietnamese soldiers came over to bum cigarettes and practice their English, but for the most part the two groups stayed separate. Captain Olsen communicated with his Vietnamese counterpart through hand signals. Captain Tong was small, trim, and finicky, with a wisp of mustache and two gold incisors that flashed in the sun when he smiled.

The Vietnamese troopers took a siesta after lunch that lasted two hours, and as the American soldiers had nothing else to do, they also gratefully stretched out in the shade and went to sleep. The heat was unbearable and made everyone lethargic. Captain Olsen stayed awake with the radioman, communicating with headquarters and asking how to proceed. Orders were to accommodate Captain Tong at all costs.

Out of the corner of her eye, Helen watched an old man in peasant pajamas sidle up from the back of the ville. The guards searched him but found nothing. Had he come from the fields or had he been hiding in one of the huts the whole time? He walked to the main communal square, stared balefully at the pile of feathers and discarded chicken parts, and moved off. A few minutes later, he came back. The guards searched him again, found him clean, and again let him through. Now he seemed agitated, and he talked to himself as he approached the Vietnamese troopers.

Helen turned away until she heard shouting between one of the Vietnamese soldiers and the old man. She asked Captain Olsen what was going on.

“I don’t know what they’re saying, but my guess is that the old guy is unhappy about his ‘donation’ to the war effort. We’ve complained to headquarters about it. We’re under orders not to take anything that isn’t offered. But not to interfere with what the Vietnamese soldiers do. Let them work it out between themselves.”

Helen held up her camera and framed shots as the soldier turned his back on the old man. Insistent, the old man grabbed his shoulder as another soldier approached him. Now the old man talked louder to the second soldier, frenzied, his hands flailing, pointing at the chicken remains when the first soldier spun around and kicked him hard in the leg. The old man was on the ground when Captain Tong strode over and barked some commands. The old man dramatically shook his head.

Unnoticed, Helen moved closer as Tong pulled out a.45 revolver.

The old man struggled to his knees, tears in his eyes, not frightened but agitated, and kept talking and pointing to the chicken remains.

Helen’s heart knocked so hard in her chest that her breath came out shallow and rasping. No way is this happening, she thought. She crept forward, kneeling, as Tong’s soldiers moved away from him, sensing his rage; she got closer to frame the shot when Tong, standing stiff, stuck his right arm straight out, the revolver against the old man’s head. She kept shooting. Surely, she thought, it’s only a threat, surely-until the deafening explosion, the gun fired at close range. She kept shooting-the old man’s head shattered like the carnage of ripe papayas under the trees, body spread-eagled on the ground, thrown by the power of the blast, blood hosed up and down the front of Tong’s pants.

“VC,” Tong screamed at the Americans.

Helen was on automatic, shooting f/8 at 250, everything inside her shut down, no fumbling, just cold, clear, and mechanical. She didn’t realize for the first moment-face behind the viewfinder, vision constricted-that now Tong was shouting and flailing his arms in her direction. He strode over and stood a few feet away from her, aiming his gun straight at her forehead. She fell backward, still in a crouch, framed the muzzle and his apoplectic face above it in the viewfinder, the gold incisors flashing in the sun, and kept shooting. Captain Tong, bent in half, waved the gun wildly in one hand, screamed, and the other Vietnamese soldiers ran over to form a half circle of menace behind him.

She heard Captain Olsen’s voice, a long-forgotten presence, behind her, yelling back at Captain Tong, each in a different language, neither understanding the other.

On a high, Helen kept shooting for what seemed like an eternity but was probably less than a minute. Captain Olsen, still behind her, still yelling over her head, took out his own gun. At that signal the American soldiers jumped up and formed behind him. Olsen took several steps forward, and in one bear-like swipe of his arm knocked the revolver out of Tong’s hand. The screaming continued, Helen kept shooting, frozen to the camera-the tendons in Tong’s neck bulging, his face purpled. The film ended, nothing to do but remain frozen on her knees, camera to her eye, afraid to move. If she removed the protection of the camera’s body so that it no longer shielded her face, she was sure she would be killed. In the far distance, the blowing of a water buffalo could be heard, which meant that Tong had finally quieted. He kicked at the dirt in front of Helen, sending dust flying into her face, spat at her, and turned away.

“Mother of Christ,” Olsen said, grabbing Helen by both arms, dragging her back. “Are you crazy? Trying to get us fucking killed? By our allies?”

All she could think was how unafraid she felt. How gloriously unafraid. “That old grandfather was not VC.”

“Radio for a helicopter now!” Olsen screamed to the radioman. “You are out of here.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong.” She was thrilled by what she had just done, and it was inconceivable that she would be dismissed.

“Everyone, move out front.”

Away from the Vietnamese soldiers and Tong, Olsen calmed down. “I thought I’d lost you.”

“It’s not fair to send me out.”

“Look, he’s a slimy little bastard. But he’s our bastard. You made him lose face. I can’t vouch that they won’t stage a little ‘accident’ to get you.”

Helen sat on the ground and held her head in her hands. Suddenly thirst was killing her. “Can I have a little water?”

Olsen slapped his thigh. “I don’t want my guys getting killed defending you.”

“Fine. Okay. Water.” The idea of going, against her will, didn’t seem quite as bad as a moment before. She had film to develop.

“Look, you’re one crazy bao chi, okay? You can come back out with me some other time.”

“Put it in writing.”

“I know.” He laughed. “I know you will.”

Despite the heat, Helen shivered, the skin on her arms full of goose bumps, as the helicopter flew her back to Tan Son Nhut. So drained from the patrol and her sleepless night that the danger of the incident with Tong still seemed unreal. Her fatigues were mud-encrusted and smelled; her hair a knotted ponytail; she was proud of herself.

The crew chief gave her a thumbs-up and passed her a flask, and she took a long drink of whiskey, drank it down like water, only the good burning sensation down her throat registering. They flew high above the jungle canopy, out of reach of danger, and Helen wished the flight would never end, that they would never have to come down and touch earth again.

When she got out of the helicopter, Robert was waiting for her in a taxi. “Tell me everything. Olsen already radioed the incident in. I’m writing the story while the photos are developed. The package needs to be couriered to Hong Kong ASAP. The censors will never transmit it out.”

She stood in the darkroom, the size of a closet, bumping her head on shelves filled with plastic chemical bottles, watching Arnie, the wire’s office manager, develop the film. He said it was too important to let her or the assistants do it. Arnie was potbellied and married, his wife and kids back home in London. The office’s assortment of freelancers were his misfit orphans. He had spent a lot of time explaining composition technique to Helen.

“You’re catching on, damn it!”

The pictures were properly framed and shot, a whole sequence from alive to dead villager, and then a muzzle below the outraged face of Captain Tong, the end of the gun pointed straight at the camera and the person behind it.

Looking at the pictures, Helen broke out in shivers again, seeing what had been invisible before, a devouring shade as if a cloud had passed before the sun-the mystery she was chasing, the one she’d glimpsed at MacCrae’s funeral. Now she understood what he’d said to her that night: that the mystery came in its own language to each person, and you had to decipher it on your own. She had been so scared at the moment she might as well have been blind.

“Too bad,” Arnie said. “This kind of work under pressure. Incredible. So good they’re probably going to throw you out of the country, and I’ll lose another promising photographer.”

“They’re good?” The tension in her body unspooling fast now.

“I wouldn’t have believed it without seeing them. But I talked to the office in New York, who said if they were half as good as they sounded, they’d think over offering you a full-time job with the wire service.”

“Are they half as good?” Part of the dread those last few months had been the fear that she was incapable of doing what she had come for, that she would be found lacking. As a freelancer, she could stay out as long as it took to get a shot. Captain Tong had just happened, her actions unpremeditated. Now would she feel the pressure to take such risks again and again?

“Two hundred percent as good. I might even have to give you a raise to thirty per shot. Don’t get greedy.”

She frowned. “They can’t throw me out now, can they?”

“They can. They’ve done it to others.”

“Okay.” That was enough for now.

“I agreed to share the pics with Life. If that’s okay by you. They can print the whole series in next week’s issue. That philistine, Gary, pays a bit more than we do. You can actually survive on what they pay.”

Helen nodded, unhearing, and left the darkroom for the office’s tepid air-conditioning and lumpy couch. She stretched out and plunged into a dreamless sleep.

That night Helen met Robert in the bar of the hotel. He was a little bit amazed and a little bit delighted but mostly afraid for her.

The tables were crowded, spilling out along the sidewalk. The city’s electricity had gone out, and the room was lit by oil lamps, opening out onto the dark street. After her night out in the rain, the city felt luxurious even in the dark in a way no city had ever felt before. Waiters floated between the tables with small flashlights. Everything seemed uniquely fine. She felt at ease, perfectly in the moment. The danger of the incident with Tong faded into the background, and all that was left was her shining invincibility.

A bottle of champagne appeared, and the old Vietnamese bartender in his white coat opened it with great ceremony, nestling it in a bucket on the corner of the bar. Robert and she toasted, and at her insistence, the bartender joined them for a glass. Ed and some of the other journalists came by and stopped to congratulate her.

Matt Tanner came and stood behind her. He was a recent ex-Marine who had re-upped so many times the joke was that the Marines had finally thrown him out. The rumor was that he simply loved war too much and brought his bloodlust along with him to journalism. He was always competitive when another reporter did well, as if they were stealing his chance at glory. When he was jealous and drunk, which he was at present, his face thinned to an even more wolflike aspect.

“Nice little publicity stunt this morning. Who’d you pay to snap the pics, huh?”

“Get lost, Tanner,” Robert said, standing up.

“G.I. Jane, eh? Nice angle.”

“Maybe you should take a break from trampling over other people’s backs to get the story first,” Helen said.

“Nice talking to you,” Robert said to him. “Sorry you have to go.”

Tanner squinted at Robert, deciding if he was in the mood for a brawl. “All I’d like to know is who she had to screw this time.”

“Why?” Helen said. “Do you want his number?”

“That’s enough,” Robert said.

“We all know you’re not getting it from Bobby here,” Tanner said, and stalked out of the bar.

Robert sat back down on the bar stool, emptied his glass, and poured another.

“I wish the Marines would take him back,” Helen said.

“I’m your friend. It’s none of my business about you and Darrow. But you have to be careful. Tanner is a competitor. Not like me, too scared to leave Saigon and the official junkets. There’s going to be sore feelings if you don’t sweeten up.”

“You’re smart enough not to need the attention.”

Robert stiffened. “You don’t have to throw me a bone.”

Helen drank down her glass and looked into the bottom as if she might find answers down there. “If I was a guy, you wouldn’t tell me to worry about sore feelings.”

“If you were a guy, I’d tell you to punch him out. But I’ll tell you the truth, I probably wouldn’t have bought this bottle of champagne, either.”

Helen laughed. This charade of light flirtation was necessary for both of them. “Can I admit something? Just between us? This feels good.”

“Enjoy it. You earned it. But be prepared.”

“What for?”

“For what comes next.”

In the morning her pictures and story headlined across a dozen front pages worldwide. Life magazine bought the series of photos and planned to use one as the cover for the following week; the contributor’s notes touted her as their first woman combat photographer for the Vietnam war.

She stared at her name in print with a feeling of relief that now she could stay on, no longer a joke. Six months before, no one would have believed her capable of this. Her only background a high school photography class and some work on the college newspaper taking pictures of football games. In a way, she had not believed it herself, but now she felt a sense of belonging to a fraternity, even if it was one that wasn’t sure it wanted her. As time went on, she would find herself welcomed and ignored in equal mea sure.

The nerve that she had hit was not the atrocity of the killing of the old man, which was a routine horror, nor the evidence that the SVA had run amok and was alienating the civilian population. Not even the angle that America was supporting dubious allies. Her plea sure started to chip away as she realized they were using Captain Tong threatening a woman photographer, an American civilian, to sensationalize the story. Her being a woman was the story.

The South Vietnamese government immediately protested to the American embassy, saying that the incident had been faked. Captain Tong denied Helen’s version, calling her a spy, although he couldn’t explain why Americans would be discrediting their own allies, but the pictures and the testimony of Captain Olsen were ample verification. The company’s mission was aborted because of the publicity alerting the VC of their movements. Olsen cabled her congratulations and said the company celebrated with brandy and cigars back in the safety of the base camp. There was even a movement under way to have an LZ named in her honor. Not Scanlon’s.

That night she turned down Robert’s invitation for dinner with the boys and spent the evening walking alone through the streets of Saigon. The adrenaline high of events now turning into a low of confusion. She had proved to herself what she hadn’t known before: that under the right circumstances she could be brave. An unknown gift, strange and random, like the ability to play an instrument or be good at a sport. But the memory of the old man poisoned her. His balding head; the sagging, dark eyes; the thin, sinewy legs splayed out. She felt guilt that, outside of his village, she was the only one to mourn his death; an arrogant thought, perhaps, but he had already slipped into the realm of statistic. Maybe now was the time to leave, to night, without a single good-bye.

She could see the potential for the war to undo her. There was hardly any way the incident could have turned out better, ways without number for it to have turned worse.

The street barbers closed up shop along the sidewalks, taking down the mirrors and shelves hung on the outside of building walls. Food smells made her stomach growl; she had not eaten since breakfast. Ducking down awkwardly at a soup stall, she pointed at what she wanted. The old man smiled and soon a large crowd stood watching her, giggling at the sight of a Westerner, a woman no less, squatting on the street and eating with chopsticks and ladle-style spoon. The official health brochures warned against eating the street food, but Helen was tired of obeying rules, tired of being frightened. This night she was immune. She slurped her soup the same way the Vietnamese man next to her was doing.

Finished with her soup, she rose to the claps of a few Vietnamese around her, impressed that she had eaten the whole bowl. She bowed and made her way back to the hotel.

In the lead article about Captain Tong, Scanlon being killed by a land mine while on patrol had been mentioned only in passing; his death was not newsworthy enough in the war. But, of course, his death was the only thing that day that mattered. The old villager’s death was another tragedy of unnewsworthy proportion. She consoled herself with the thought that the pictures were graphic enough to shake people up, stop them being complacent about what was happening, and if that meant the war would end sooner, those two deaths weren’t in vain. As she hoped, with less and less confidence each day, that Michael’s had not been in vain. Too much waste to bear.

MacCrae’s words never left her thoughts. They want you to be part of their movie, don’t ever forget it. Their prescience haunted her, and if there was anyone she needed to talk to that night, it was him. Appropriate that he was now a ghost. Whatever victory she felt was cut neatly by the idea that her photos would be used for purposes she had not intended. She pictured MacCrae’s face across the table that night. An even more grim possibility. Would discrediting the SVA allow them to bring in more American soldiers?

The only tangible effect of her photos was the number of requests that came to cover Helen herself. Photo teams from the States wanted to go out and photograph her photographing the war. If she let that happen, she may as well go home because she’d be a spectacle. The journalist’s cardinal sin of becoming the center of the story. It embarrassed her, and she had Arnie turn them all down. And then an offer came from Life that she couldn’t turn down-staff photographer.

When Arnie finally got clearance to offer her a full-time position with the wire service, she blushed. “ Gary already made a big offer.”

“Yeah, I figured. Good for you. Hell, this is small potatoes here.”

“I’ll miss you.”

“Tsk, tsk,” Arnie said. “You should find a nice soldier to marry.” Over the years, he had learned that each journalist had his own specific reasons for why he went into the battlefield. He guessed hers worked as well as anyone else’s.

She requested that her first assignment be to cover the Central Highlands and I Corps area, especially her brother’s Special Forces unit. Gary promptly ignored her, and she learned the price of being bought.

That night as she brushed her teeth, getting ready for bed, she heard a light rapping on the door. Her heart lifted, all the emotions of the week rushing out, hoping it was Darrow. She opened the door in her slip, but it was Linh standing there.

“I didn’t wake you?” he said, startled at the sight of her undressed.

“No, no. Is everything all right?” Helen asked, looking behind him.

“I’m going to work for you now.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Sam asks me to give you this.” Linh handed her an envelope.

“Come in. Sit down.” She motioned him to a chair and tore open the envelope.

Helen of a Thousand Ships,

Congratulations! Even though you bumped me from a cover and almost got yourself killed in the bargain. Since you’re determined to play the boys’ game, at least accept a life preserver-Linh. He will be invaluable to you.

Love,

Darrow

Linh stood by the window staring out. When she spoke to him, he kept his face turned away, and she guessed her slip embarrassed him. She put on a robe. Still he was pensive.

“How do you feel about this?” she asked.

“It’s important to Sam that I work with you. I’m hoping you are strong. I am thinking this is going to be a very long war.”