Dave Barry. Claw Your Way To The Top Dedication Introduction You And This Book Today’s Business Climate Step One: Setting Your Goals Test Your Business I.Q. Chapter One. The History Of Business The Very First Businesses Did Dinosaurs Have Businesses? Primitive Human Businesses Business During The Middle Ages The Birth Of The Helicopter: The Renaissance The New World The Rise Of The Modern Corporation And So ... Chapter Two. Getting A Job Birth Preschool Elementary School High School College Graduate School Are There Jobs Available? Lobster Repair: A Fast-Growing Field Where Should You Begin Your Job Search? Your Resume RESUME Writing An Effective Letter That Will Get You A Job Interview Whom You Should Send Your Letter To How To Prepare For Your Job Interview The Interview Process Chapter Three. How To Do Your Job, Whatever It Is Taking A Phone Message The Corporate Meeting How To Act In A Meeting A Fun Thing To Do If Somebody Falls Asleep In A Meeting How To Take Notes During A Meeting Special Note Of Encouragement To Timid Housewives Who Have Been Thinking About Maybe Trying To Get Into The Business World But Are Worried That It Might Be Too Hard And They Might Not Be Qualified To Do Anything Except Make Tuna Casserole Chapter Four. Stepping Over Your Co-Workers Getting Promoted Ethical Question: Do You Have To Be Scum To Get Ahead? How To Act Like An Executive Dealing With Your Subordinates Test To Find Out If A Potential Employee Is The Kind Of Person Who Thinks Up Ideas How To Fire People How You Should Behave Around Other Executives List Of Topics That Middle-Aged White Anglo-Saxon Males Talk To Each Other About When They’re Not Talking Business Chart Of Key Phrases To Use When Talking About Sports Joining A Club Computers In Business Glossary Of Standard Computer Terms How Computers Work How To Use Computer-Generated Pie Charts And Bar Graphs To Make Abstract Concepts Understandable To Morons Like Your Boss Chapter Five. Business Communications What Makes A Good Business Memo Standard Format For The Business Memo Standard Format To Use For Lengthy Reports To Insure That Nobody Reads Them How To Write Letters Letters To Customers Or Potential Customers Letters To Companies That Owe Your Company Money Letters Of Recommendation The Basic Rules Of Business Grammar Common Grammar Questions Making Speeches And Oral Presentations Chapter Six. Giving Good Lunch Examples Of Classy Restaurant Names Examples Of Non-Classy Restaurant Names Entertaining At Home The Heimlich Maneuver Heimlich-Maneuver Hockey What To Do If A Client Or Business Associate Dies Chapter Seven. How To Dress Exactly Like Everybody Else How Men Should Dress Shirts Ties How To Tie A Tie Shoes Underwear How Women Should Dress Hosiery Makeup Shoes Chapter Eight. Sales Rule #1: Maintain Eye Contact With The Prospect At All Times No Matter What Rule #2: Call The Prospect By His First Name A Lot, Because He Might Forget You’re Talking To Him Rule #3: Learn To Read The Prospect’s “Body Language” Rule #4: Get The Prospect Into A “Yes” Frame Of Mind Rule #5: Ask For The Sale Chapter Nine. How To Go Into Business For Yourself Tax Implications Of Going Into Business For Yourself Three Surefire Business Concepts Concept #1: The Electric Appliance Suicide Module Concept #2: The “Mister Mediocre” Fast-Food Restaurant Franchise Concept #3: The “Bingo The Leech” Licensed Character Chapter Ten. How Finance Works Who Should Read This Chapter How Corporate Finances Work The Stock Market Common Financial Questions Afterword
Introduction You And This Book Maybe you’re a young graduate looking for his or her first job. Or maybe you’re a veteran employee who’d like to advance up the corporate ladder. Or maybe you’re a Labrador retriever who nosed this book off the coffee table, and it fell open to this page.
It makes no difference who you are: the important thing is, this book can show you how to ACHIEVE YOUR CAREER GOALS and WIN THE REWARDS OF SUCCESS such as CARS and HOUSES and GREAT BIG BOATS where, any time you feel like it, you press a little button and UNIFORMED SERVANTS FROM SOME DISEASE-RIDDEN FOREIGN NATION WHERE EVERYBODY IS WRETCHEDLY POOR WHICH IS WHY THEY CAME OVER HERE bring you PLATES OF LITTLE CRACKERS WITH TOASTED CHEESE ON TOP or, if you prefer, FALSTON-PURINA DOG TREATS.