"Innocent" - читать интересную книгу автора (Turow Scott)

CHAPTER 5

Rusty, March 19, 2007

When I depart the bus in Nearing, the former ferry port along the river that turned into a suburb not long before we moved here in 1977, I stop at the chain pharmacy across the way to pick up Barbara's prescriptions. A few months after my trial ended twenty-one years ago, for reasons fully understood only by the two of us, Barbara and I separated. We might have gone on to divorce had she not been diagnosed in the wake of an aborted suicide attempt with bipolar disorder. For me, that ended up being excuse enough to reconsider. Past the trial, past the months of climbing down, branch by branch, and still never feeling I had reached the ground, past the nights of furious recriminations at the colleagues and friends who had turned on me or not done enough-after all that receded, I wanted what I had wanted from the time the nightmare began: the life I had before. I did not have the strength, if the truth be told, to start again. Or to see my son, a fragile creature, become the final victim of the entire tragedy. Nat and Barbara moved back from Detroit, where she had been teaching mathematics at Wayne State, subject to only one condition: Barbara's vow to adhere scrupulously to her drug regimen.

Her moods are not stabilized easily. When things were going well, especially in the first few years after Nat and she came back home, I found her far less cantankerous and often fun to live with. But she missed her manic side. She no longer had the will or energy for those twenty-four-hour computer sessions when she pursued some elusive mathematical theory like a panting dog determined to run a fox to ground. In time, she gave up her career, which brought more frequent gloom. These days Barbara refers to herself as a lab rat, willing to try anything her psychopharmacologist suggests to get a better grip. There is a handful of pills at the best of times: Tegretol. Seroquel. Lamictal. Topamax. When she gets the blues-which in her case ought to be called the blacks-she reaches deeper into the medicine cabinet for tricyclic drugs, like Asendin or Tofranil, which can leave her sleepy and looking as if holes had been drilled into the pupils, requiring her to walk around inside the house in dark glasses. At the worst moments, she will go to phenelzine, an antipsychotic that she and her doctor have discovered will reliably pull her back from the brink, making it worth its many risks. At this stage, she has prescriptions for fifteen to twenty drugs, including the sleeping pills she takes every night and the meds that counter her chronic high blood pressure and occasional heart arrhythmia. She orders refills on the Internet, and I pick them up for her two or three times a week.

Birthday dinner at home is a desultory affair. My wife is a fine cook and has grilled three filets, each the size of Paul Bunyan's fist, but somehow all of us have exhausted our quota of good cheer at the celebration in chambers. Nat, who at one point seemed as if he would never leave the family house, returns reluctantly these days and is characteristically quiet throughout the meal. It is clear almost from the start that our main goal is to get it over with, to say we dined together on a momentous day and return to the internal world of signs and symbols with which each one of us is peculiarly preoccupied. Nat will go home to read for tomorrow's law classes, Barbara will retreat to her study and the Internet, and I, birthday or no, will put the flash drive in my computer and review draft opinions.

In the meantime, as often happens with my family, I carry the conversation. My encounter with Harnason, if nothing else, is odd enough to be worth sharing.

"The poisoner?" asks Barbara when I first mention his name. She rarely listens if I discuss work, but you can never tell what Barbara Bernstein Sabich will know. At this stage, she is a frightening replica, with far better style, of my own slightly loony mother, whose mania late in life, after my father left her, was organizing her thoughts on hundreds of note cards that were stacked on our old dining room table. Rigidly agoraphobic, she found a way to reach beyond her small apartment as a regular caller on radio talk shows.

My wife too hates to leave home. A born computer geek, she cruises the Net four to six hours a day, indulging every curiosity-recipes, our stock portfolio, the latest mathematical papers, newspapers, consumer purchases, and a few games. Nothing in life steadies her so much as having a universe of information at hand.

"It turns out I prosecuted the guy. He was a lawyer who was living off his clients' money. Gay."

"And what does he expect from you now?" Barbara asks.

I shrug, but somehow in retelling the story, I confront something that has grown on me over the hours, which I am reluctant to acknowledge, even to my wife and son: I am sorely guilty that I sent a man to the penitentiary for the sake of prejudices I'm now ashamed I had. And in that light I recognize what Harnason was slyly trying to suggest: If I hadn't prosecuted him for the wrong reasons, stripped him of his profession, and hurled him into the pit of shame, his life would have turned out entirely differently; he would have had the self-respect and self-restraint not to have murdered his partner. I started the cascade. Contemplating the moral force of the point, I go silent.

"You'll recuse now, won't you?" Nat asks, meaning I'll remove myself from the case. When Nat lived at home after college, it was rare for him to intervene directly in the substance of our conversations. Usually, he assumed a role more or less like a color commentator, interrupting only for remarks about the way his mother or I had expressed ourselves-'Nice, Dad,' or 'Tell us how you really feel, Mom.'-clearly intended to prevent either of us from upending the precarious balance between us. I have long feared that mediating between his parents is one more thing that has made the path rougher for Nat. But these days, Nat will actively engage me on legal issues, providing a rare avenue into the mind of my dark, isolated son.

"No point," I say. "I already voted. The only doubt on the case, and there's not much, is about George Mason. And Harnason really didn't try to talk about the merits of his appeal anyway." The other problem, were I to unseat myself now, is that most of my colleagues on the court would suspect I was doing it for the sake of my campaign, trying to avoid recording my vote to reverse a murder conviction, an act that seldom pleases the public.

"So you had an eventful afternoon," says Barbara.

"And there was more," I say. The declaration brings Anna's kiss back to mind, and fearing I may have flushed, I go on quickly to recount my meeting with Raymond. "Koll has offered to drop out of the primary."

Koll is N. J. Koll, both a legal genius and a vainglorious meathead, who once sat with me on the court of appeals. N.J. is the only opposition I expect in the primary early next year. Having the party's endorsement, I am sure to clobber Koll. But it will take a considerable investment of time and money. Because the Republicans so far have not even fielded a candidate in this one-party town, N.J.'s withdrawal would be tantamount to my winning what even the newspapers openly refer to as the "white man's seat" on the state supreme court, in distinction from the two other Kindle County seats customarily occupied by a female and an African-American.

"That's great!" says my wife. "What a nice birthday present."

"Too good to be true. He'll only drop out if I support his reappointment to the court of appeals as chief judge."

"So?" asks Barbara.

"I can't do that to George. Or the court." When I arrived on the appellate court, it was a retirement home for party loyalists who too often appeared amenable to the wrong kinds of suggestions. Now, after my twelve years as chief, the State Court of Appeals for the Third Appellate District boasts a distinguished membership whose opinions appear in law school texts from time to time and are cited by other courts around the country. Koll, with his zany egocentricities, would destroy everything I've accomplished in no time.

"George understands politics," says Barbara. "And he's your friend."

"What George understands," I counter, "is that he deserves to be chief. If I helped put Koll in his place, all the judges would feel I stabbed them in the back."

My son had Koll in class at Easton Law School, where N.J. is a revered professor, and reached the standard conclusion.

"Koll's a fucking nut-job," Nat says.

"Please," says Barbara, who still prefers decorum at the dinner table.

N.J., a person of little subtlety, backed up his offer with a threat. If I don't accede, he'll change parties and become the Republican candidate in the general election in November '08. His chances will be no better, but he will increase the wear and tear on me and exact maximum punishment for not making him chief.

"So there's a campaign?" Barbara asks, somewhat incredulous when I explain all this.

"If Koll wasn't bluffing. He might decide it's a waste of time and money."

She shakes her head. "He's spiteful. He'll run for spite." From the lofty distance she maintains on my universe, Barbara sees deeply, like a kingfisher, and I know instantly she's right, which brings the conversation to a dead end.

Barbara has brought home the remains of Anna's carrot cake, but we are all still recovering from the sugar coma it nearly induced. Instead we clear and wash. My son and I spend another twenty minutes watching the Trappers boot away a ball game. The only time I ever spent with my father, outside the family bakery, where I worked from the age of six, was moments once or twice a week when he would allow me to sit beside him on the divan while he drank his beer and watched baseball, a game for which he had an unaccountable fascination as an immigrant. It was more precious than treasure when, a couple times a night, he would venture a comment to me. A fine player in high school, Nat seemed to abandon any interest in baseball when he lost his starting position junior year. But by whatever transitivity there is across the generations, he will almost always spend a few minutes beside me in front of the TV.

Aside from our expressions of anguish about the ever-hapless team, or conversations about law, Nat and I do not tend to talk. This is in deliberate contrast to Barbara, who beleaguers our son with a daily call, which he generally limits to less than a minute. Yet it would violate some essential compact if I did not probe his current state now, even knowing he is going to deflect my questions.

"How's your note coming?" Nat, who aspires to be a law professor, is going to publish a student article in the Easton Law Review about psycholinguistics and jury instructions. I have read two drafts and cannot even pretend to understand it.

"Just about done. In type this month."

"Exciting."

He nods several times as a way to avoid more words. "Okay if I go up to the cabin this weekend?" he asks, referring to the family place in Skageon. "I want to get away to look over the note one more time." It is not my place to ask, but it's nearly certain Nat will go only with his favorite companion-himself.

With two gone in the ninth, Nat has finally had enough. He calls out his good-byes to his mother, who by now is zoned in to the Net and does not answer. I close the door behind him and go to find my briefcase. Barbara and I have resumed our normal mode. There is no sound, no TV, no dishwasher rumbling. The silence is the absence of any connection. She's in her world, I'm in mine. Not even the radio waves that come out of deep space could be detected. Yet this is what I chose and more often still believe I want.

In my little study, I download from my flash drive and mark up draft opinions, then check my personal e-mail, where I find several birthday greetings. Around eleven, I creep to the bedroom and discover that Barbara unexpectedly has remained awake. It is, after all, my birthday. And I guess I am going to be the birthday boy.

I suspect that sexual practices in long marriages are far more varied-and thus, in an abstract way, interesting-than among the couples who hook up in singles bars. From some friends our age, I hear occasional comments suggesting that sex is largely passe in their relationships. But Barbara and I have maintained a robust sex life, probably as a way to make up for the other deficits in our marriage. My wife has always been a great-looking woman and is even more striking now, when so many of her peers have been laid low by the years. Still a 1960s girl, she has allowed her tight natural curls to gray, and goes largely without makeup despite the pallor of age. But she remains a beauty, with precise features. She works out for two hours five times a week on the equipment in our basement, a routine that both counters the ailments that run in her family and keeps her girlishly shaped. I always feel the surge of male pride that comes from escorting a very attractive woman when I enter a room with her, and I still enjoy the sight of her in bed, where we find ourselves making love two or three times a week. We remember. We coalesce. It's prosaic most often, but so is much of life at its best-with the family around the table, with buddies at a bar.

Not that there will be any of that tonight. Once I'm in our bedroom, I realize I have entirely misread the meaning of Barbara waiting up. Steel hardens her face when she is upset-the jaw, the eyes-and right now, it's all iron.

I ask the simple yet eternally dangerous question: "What's the matter?"

She frumps around beneath the covers. "I just think you could've talked to me first," she says. The remark is incomprehensible until she adds, "About Koll."

My jaw actually hangs. "Koll?"

"You think this doesn't affect me, too? You made a decision, Rusty, to put me through months of campaigning, without even speaking to me. You think I'll be able to go to the grocery store after a workout with my hair plastered to my cheek and smelling like a gym sock?"

The truth is that Barbara orders most of our groceries online, but I skip the debater's point and ask simply why not.

"Because my husband would be pissed off. Especially if somebody sticks a microphone in front of my face. Or takes a picture."

"Nobody is going to take a picture of you, Barbara."

"If your ads are on TV, everybody will be watching me. Wife of a candidate for supreme court justice? It's like being a minister's spouse. It's bad enough as it is with you as chief judge. But now I'm really going to have to play the part."

There is no talking her out of this vague paranoia; I have tried for decades. Instead, I am struck by her remark about playing a part. We do not often get to this point, where the terms under which our marriage resumed are forced into the open. Nat was our mutual priority. After that, I have been entitled to remake my life as best I can with no deference to her. But because I accept that order as morally correct, I do not think often of how that must feel to Barbara-an unending penance as a drug-controlled Stepford wife.

"I'm sorry," I say. "You're right. I should have talked to you."

"But you wouldn't have thought about it, would you?"

"I just apologized, Barbara."

"No, no matter what it means to me, you really wouldn't have thought about letting N.J. become chief."

"Barbara, I can't consider whether or not my wife is"-I visibly reach for words, so we both know what has been rejected: 'mentally unbalanced,' 'bipolar,' 'nuts'-"publicity shy in making professional decisions. N.J. would damage the court enormously as chief. I put my own self-interest aside. I can hardly place more weight on yours."

"Because you're Rusty the paragon. Saint Rusty. You always need to run a steeplechase before you can let yourself have what you want. I'm sick of this."

You're sick, I nearly say. But I stop myself. I always stop myself. She will rage now, and I will just absorb it, thinking as a mantra, She's crazy, you know she's crazy, let her be crazy.

And so it goes. She works herself into a greater fury with each moment. I take a chair and say next to nothing except to repeat her name from time to time. She leaves the bed and resembles a boxer, pacing as if she were in the ring, fists clenched but hurling invective instead of punches. I am thoughtless, cold, self-absorbed, and unconcerned about her. In time, I go to the medicine cabinet to locate the Stelazine. I show her the pill and wait to see if she will take it before she enters the final, destructive phase in which she will lay ruin to something more or less precious to me. In the past, right in front of me, she has smashed the crystal bookends I was given by the bar association when I was elevated to chief judge; immolated my tuxedo trousers with the fire flick we use to light the barbecue; and thrown into the toilet two Cubans I had been given by Judge Doyle. Tonight, she finds the box George gave me, removes my gift, and right in front of me scissors the epaulets off the shoulders of the robe.

"Barbara!" I scream, yet do not stand to stop her. My outburst, or her act, is enough to reel her back a bit, and she snatches the pill off her bedside table and downs it. In half an hour, she will be in a druggy coma that will cause her to sleep most of tomorrow. There will be no apology. A day or two from now, we will be back to where we started. Distant. Careful. Disconnected. With months of peace ahead before the next eruption.

I find my way to the sofa in my study outside the bedroom. A pillow, sheet, and blanket are stored there for these occasions. Barbara's rages always shake me, since sooner or later I look down through a tunnel in time to the crime twenty-one years ago, wondering what madness made me think we could go on.

I have a Scotch in the kitchen. When I became a lawyer, I had no use for alcohol. At this age, I drink too much, rarely to excess but seldom heading off to bed without first administering some liquid anesthesia. In the john, I empty my bladder for the last time and hold there. At certain times of year, the moon shines directly through this bathroom skylight. As I stand in the magic glow, the memory of Anna's physical presence returns, potent as the melody of a favorite song. I recall my wife's remark about my difficulties in letting myself have what I want, and almost in reprisal I release myself to the sensation, not merely the movie of Anna and me locked in embrace, but the languor and exhilaration of escaping the restraint on which I've staked my life for decades.

I linger there, until, with time, I recede to the present, until my mind takes over from my senses and begins a lawyerly interrogation of myself. The Declaration of Independence said we have a right to pursue happiness-but not to find it. Children die in Darfur. In America, men dig ditches. I have power, meaningful work, a son who loves me, three squares every day, and a house with air-conditioning. Why am I entitled to more?

I return to the kitchen for another drink, then make my bed on the leather sofa. The liquor has done its job, and I am drifting into the dust of sleep. And so concludes the day commemorating my sixty years on earth, with the feeling of Anna's lips lightly on mine and my brain cycling through the eternal questions. Can I ever be happy? Can I truly lie down to die without trying to find out?

The role of judge and clerk is largely unique in contemporary professional life, because a law clerk is basically engaged in an apprenticeship. They come to me brilliant but unmolded, and I spend two years showing them nothing less than how to reason about legal problems. I was a clerk myself thirty-five years ago, to the chief justice of the state supreme court, Philip Goldenstein. Like most law clerks, I still worship my judge. Phil Goldenstein was one of those people called to public life by his passionate faith in humanity, believing that good lurked in every soul and that his job as a politician or a judge was merely to help let it out. That is the sentimental faith of another era and certainly, if I have to be blunt, not one I ever took up. But my clerkship was a glorious experience nonetheless, because Phil became the first person to see great things for me as an attorney. I viewed the law as a palace of light, whose radiance would erase the mean and crabbed darkness of my parents' home. Being accepted in that realm meant my soul had exceeded the tiny boundaries for which I had always feared I was destined.

I'm not sure I've been able to follow the justice's generous example with my clerks. My father never gave me a model of gentle authority, and I probably draw back too often and come off as officious and self-impressed. But a judge's clerks are his heirs in the law, and I have a special attachment to many of them. The seven former clerks who attend Anna's party Friday night are among my favorites, all of them notable successes in the profession. They join the rest of my staff to make a jolly table of fifteen in a dark back room at the Matchbook. We all drink too much wine and gently roast Anna, who is ribbed about her constant dieting, her laments over single life, her sneaking of occasional cigarettes, and the way she turns a suit into casual attire. One person has bought her bedroom slippers to wear in the office.

When the event is over, Anna drives me back to the courthouse, as we planned. I'm going to get my briefcase, and she will box up the last of her belongings, then drop me at the Nearing bus. Instead, it turns out that each of us has bought the other a small gift. I sit on my old sofa, whose cracked leather inevitably reminds me a little of my own face, in order to open the box. It holds a miniature scale of justice, which Anna has had engraved: "To the Chief-Love and gratitude forever, Anna"

"Lovely," I say, then she sets herself down beside me with the small package I have given her.

Distance. Closeness. The words are not merely metaphors. We walk down the street nearer to the persons with whom we are connected. And in the last months of Anna's clerkship, a professional distance has largely vanished between us. When we get into an elevator, she inevitably crowds right in front of me. 'Oops,' she will say as she wedges her rump against me, looking over her shoulder to laugh. And of course, now she sits flank to flank, shoulder to shoulder, not an angstrom between us. The sight of my present-a pen set for her desk and a note invoking Phil Goldenstein, telling her she is destined for great things-brings her to tears. "You mean so much to me, Judge," she says.

And so, as if it signifies nothing at all, she drops her head against my chest and I eventually wrap my arm around her. We say nothing, not a word, for minutes, but we do not change positions, my hand now tight on her firm shoulder and her fine hair, sweet with the applications of conditioners and shampoo, resting right above my heart. There is no need to voice what is being debated. The longing and the attachment are fierce. But the perils and the pointlessness are plain. We are curled together, each trying to determine which loss would be worse-going forward or turning away. I still have no idea what will happen. But in this moment I learn one thing: I have been lying to myself for months. Because I am fully willing.

And so I sit there thinking, Will it happen, will it actually happen, how can it, how can it not, how can it? It is like the moment when the jury foreman stands with the folded verdict form in his hand. Life will change. Life will be different. The words cannot be spoken quickly enough.

In my moments given to this fantasy, I have promised myself the decision will be only hers. I will not ask or make advances. And so I hold her to me now, but do no more. The feeling of her solid form arouses me naturally, but I merely wait, and the time goes on and on, perhaps twenty minutes in total, until eventually I feel her face turn up to me from within the crook of my arm and the warmth of her breath on my neck. Now, she is waiting. Poised. I feel her there. I do not think No or even Wait. Instead, this is my thought: Never again. If not now, then never again. Never again the chance to embrace the most fundamental excitement in life.

And so I look down to her. Our lips meet, our tongues. I groan out loud, and she whispers, "Rusty, oh, Rusty." I find the exquisite softness of the breast that I have imagined in my hand a thousand times. She pulls away to see me, and I view her, beautiful, serene, and utterly without a second thought. And then she speaks the words that elevate my soul. This daring, gorgeous young woman says, "Kiss me again."

Afterward, she drives me to the bus and near the station veers into an alley so we can kiss good-bye.

Me! my heart screams, Chief Sabich, smooching like a seventeen-year-old in the shadows beyond the cone of light from the streetlamp.

"When will I see you?" she asks.

"Oh, Anna."

"Please," she says. "Not just once. I would feel so slutty." She stops. "Sluttier."

I know there will never be a sweeter moment than the one we had just had. Less inept, but never more exultant.

"All affairs end badly," I say. I am perhaps the world's leading exhibit. Tried for murder. "We both should think about this."

"We both have," she answers. "I could see you thinking every time you looked at me for months. Please. So we can talk, if nothing else?"

We both know that the only talk will occur between the acts, but I nod and then alight after kissing her deeply again. Her car, an aged Subaru, goes off with the phlegmy sound of a failing muffler. I walk slowly to the bus. How, my heart shrieks, how can I be doing this again? How can any human being make another time the same mistake that all but ruined his life? Knowing the likelihood of one more catastrophe? I ask myself these questions with every step. But the answer is always the same: Because what has lain between then and now-because that time is not fully deserving of being called living.