"The Cloud Atlas" - читать интересную книгу автора (Mitchell David)

CHAPTER 9

THURSDAY. RONNIE HAS SURVIVED FOR AN ENTIRE DAY, and so have I. Maybe it’s not right to compare our conditions? But in some ways mine is more dire: he’s only dying, whereas I’m being asked to live out my days Outside, divorced from my Alaskan life.

Having been through extended hospital stays a half dozen times before with Ronnie, though, I can tell you what the second day is like: busy, hopeful, anxious. There is still some carryover of that day-one-type relief- he got here in time!-that’s usually counterbalanced by day-two anxiety: what’s really wrong? There are other milestones, like day six, when you realize, it’s only a night away from an entire week; surely that’s not a good sign. And then, of course, there’s the Last Day, which is always a surprise.

But today’s surprise arrived shortly after breakfast. Ronnie awoke. Or, as he put it, returned.

His eyes opened, slowly, and he scanned the room. Then he found me. We watched each other silently for a full minute, maybe more.

“They thought you were in a coma,” I said at last. “Not a ‘classic coma,’ mind you.” Ronnie considered this a moment; he was still coming to. Then he rolled his eyes, coughed, and declared he was hungry. I handed over several items I’d gotten from the vending machines for my breakfast, and he devoured them as he explained where he’d been.

“Not a coma,” he said, shaking his head. “The ocean,” he declared, and then asked for my coffee. I handed him the cup. “I’ve been to the bottom of the ocean. Here and there. I went to where the seals live, the whales.”

“They send their best?” I asked. This wasn’t the first time that Ronnie had told me he’d “traveled.” While the rest of the world thought he’d passed out in a bar or fallen into a semi-coma in a hospital, Ronnie would later claim that he had been swimming to the depths of the sea, or summiting the sky, en route to the moon. Shamans were known for such journeys; and indeed, they resembled comas. Long ago, the angalkuq would gather everyone in the qasgiq, a village’s largest building, which served as both the men’s quarters and communal hall. He (not always, but usually a he) would lie in the center of the floor, often bound. Sometimes the light would be extinguished, and witnesses would be left to deduce what was happening from the sounds they heard. Loud grunts, a struggle, then quieter and quieter as the angalkuq flew farther away, then loud again once he’d returned, perhaps with a crash or thump. Sometimes the angalkuq would narrate the journey, other times detail it upon his return.

Ronnie only ever spoke upon his return, and his accounts were so fanciful I ascribed them to spirits more alcoholic than otherworldly. One time, I was sure Ronnie was plagiarizing the plot of a Disney movie that had recently played at the library. (We’d all seen it, every one of us: it was an actual, first-run movie, after all.) But then, I’d fallen asleep halfway through the movie myself. I was no more judge of what was real than Ronnie.

This time, though, was different. He ignored my crack about the seals sending greetings and instead spoke rapidly: “I saw the boy,” he said. “I saw him.” He looked both excited and nervous. “Not the mother. Did you see her? There’s a mother in the story. I can’t remember. I can’t remember if she’s there.” He raised the cup I’d given him. “It’s the coffee. Caffeine. This is a drug. I am telling you this.”

“I’d blame alcohol, Ronnie,” I said. “Demon rum.”

But he had already handed the cup back to me. “Wait here,” he said. “I’ll be right back. Tell you what I find.” He lay back, closed his eyes, and then jerked awake. “The wolf, Louis-you’ll watch for him.” He extended a hand toward me-hard to imagine, Ronnie actually reaching for help, for me-but as he fell back, I slipped out of his grasp.

I didn’t move to pick his hand back up. Because maybe he was traveling. I didn’t want to hold him back. I didn’t want to be dragged any further out of my world, away from my God. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe it’s just that I didn’t want to feel the wolf’s teeth sinking into my hand.

What’s the difference, anyway, between what Ronnie is doing- slipping in and out of consciousness, traveling from one world to another-and my falling asleep? My dreaming of flight, and then recounting my banal dream after I awake? I don’t know. I don’t dream of flying. I did it once, really did it, just me and my arms and legs and the air, and I’ve never wanted to do it again.

IT WAS LATE WHEN I got back on base after my dinner with Lily. Something-or everything-about my “goodbye” dinner with Lily made me desperate to talk with someone, even Father Pabich, though he would probably have treated the whole matter as something worthy of confession.

I couldn’t find anyone to talk to, but I couldn’t see myself going to sleep, either. I went over to Gurley’s Quonset hut. The sentry said nothing; he didn’t even look surprised. He let me in through what Gurley persisted in calling the “back door” and then locked everything behind me. I banged my away across the floor in the dark to the small office in the rear. I had been granted access to the building in Gurley’s absence, but not the office. He had, however, given me a small desk outside. I sat down and felt around for the desk lamp.

Suddenly, the hut’s massive overhead lights clunked on.

“Belk!” Gurley shouted as the door shut behind him. “Working in the dark? Or sleeping?” By the time he reached me, I had some paper out and was pretending to take notes. “If there’s one thing I hate more than incompetence, Belk, it’s incompe tents trying to suck up.” He clapped a hand on my back. “You’ve been studying?” He wasn’t entirely angry. “You’ll be forgiven for this shameless display-working all night, it would seem-if you actually came up with something.”

Came up with something: maybe I’m guessing at the rest of the dialogue, but I know he said this. And “came up with something,” meant just that: invented. This was Alaska, after all, where chaplains swore like stevedores and Eskimo women could tease your entire past from your hand. It was all imaginary, all true. I thought about dinner with Lily. I thought about what Gurley wanted to hear. And then I said what I knew.

“I know where the next balloon will land.”

Gurley’s presence changed the acoustics of a conversation; his being there could make your voice sound terribly small, or terribly ominous. Or in my case, both.

He didn’t reply. I breathed deeply enough to get the memory of what Lily had whispered echoing in my ear once again. “Shu-yak,” I said.

“What?” he asked.

“Shuyak,” I repeated, working out the pronunciation and realizing as I did what Lily had said.

Gurley had been yawning and inattentive, but now he focused: “Along the Aleutians, isn’t it?” I nodded, though I had no idea. I wasn’t even sure it was a real place: perhaps Shuyak was the imaginary province of Yup’ik seers. Maybe it was simply Yup’ik for goodbye. I felt ill. “Easy enough to see why you guessed there,” Gurley said. But he was appreciative, not scolding. “I’ve guessed at that, too. Let’s look.” He unlocked his office and went over to the wall map. I entered and sat. “Truth is, Aleutians don’t matter to many people other than the Aleutians. Who, as it happens, are no longer there, poor dears.” He pointed to southeast Alaska. “That’s why the Navy has thoughtfully relocated them here.” He frowned, pointed to a spot on the mainland. “No, here. Somewhere. There’s plenty of Aleuts to go around. Apparently, the Japs took some, too, in fact. Probably carted them off to some zoo in Tokyo.” He studied his lip with his tongue as he drew his finger along to the end of the Aleutian chain. “Anyway there’s nobody left out there, save some poor Jap soldiers, perhaps, hiding in caves out on Kiska.” He sat down and began studying his palms. I wondered if Lily had ever read his life through his hands, and if she had, what she made of the jagged scars that Gurley’s pushpin doodles left behind. “It’s American soil, but frozen, barren soil, so who cares?” Gurley continued. “I hope all their balloons land there. In any case, I can’t find it. Any other ideas?”

“No,” I said, studying the map. Why had I given myself over to Lily like that? Here I was, spouting some nonsense she’d purred.

“No?” Gurley said, turning away. “Such was my supposition.”

I sat up. “Listen-Shuyak-that’s where the next balloon will land,” I said, my insistence stemming more from an automatic desire to counter Gurley than anything else.

“My word, dear Sergeant. When I told you to search out incoming balloons, I was just-well, not joking, no, not joking at all, this is deadly serious-but I don’t expect you, or anyone, to really know where each individual balloon is going to land. It’s touching, of course, that you stayed up all night in an effort to obey my somewhat facetious order-facetious, Belk? Another word for your list-and if that atlas tells you something about the balloons’ design or construction that we don’t already know, or if you pick up something that leads you to believe you know what general areas they’re targeting, or what they might be planning, okay.”

“Shuyak,” I said. Was that what Lily had said? Every time I tried to replay the memory, the sound of what she said changed. But my mouth was still working, words kept coming out. “Oh-seven-hundred Alaskan War Time tomorrow morning.” Now Gurley looked at me sharply. “North-northwest corner of the island.”

“The corner?” he asked slowly. “You’re making this up.” I was.

“Corner-quadrant-whatever. The northwest part of the island,” I said. It was exhilarating, lying I felt more specifics arriving-wind speed, temperature, type of blast-but what reason remained in me held my imagination in check.

He looked up at the map again. “Closer in, maybe.” He ran his hand back along the Aleutian Chain, up onto the Alaska Peninsula and over to Kodiak. “Eureka,” he said. “Shuyak? Just north of Kodiak, right?” I nodded. He tapped the map. “That’s not so far from here.” He thought about this, and then asked, “Oh-seven-hundred?” I nodded. He stared at me for a long moment. “The problem is, Belk,” he said, and stopped. He started again. “The problem is, Belk, you have to be right. You know what they told me in San Francisco? They want to press ahead with their foolish plan. Blow this all wide open. Remove the censorship directive. Let every last American know about these bombs, set the masses all to looking for them. Which is a stupid idea, but that doesn’t matter, Belk. We’d be out of a job, or we’d wind up with a job similar in stature and function to the clowns who sweep up elephant dung at the rear of a circus parade.” He cupped his chin and regarded Shuyak. When he turned around, he was in the midst of trading masks- Wronged Captain for Effete Ivy Leaguer, or perhaps the Brusque CO.-or else he had forgone one altogether. His voice was softer, too. Normal, pitched well below the range at which he usually delivered his lines. “But if you’re right, Belk-think what this means.”

“We’ll save lives,” I said, caught up in Gurley’s growing excitement.

“We’ll save our jobs,” he said, “and our secrets, at least for a little while longer. I asked for a month; they gave me two weeks to prove there was a compelling reason not to lift the press ban. This could be a reason. If I can tell them we’ve cooked up a way to predict arrivals, landings, well-that really changes matters. I’d be offering them a chance to stay one step ahead, of the enemy, and the public.”

He stopped and thought about this. All the while he’d been talking, I’d been trying to work up the courage to interrupt him and better rein in his expectations. But I couldn’t then and I couldn’t now, and so when he said, “You’ll go, then,” I simply nodded and stood. Before I left, he had one more thing to add: “You’ll go alone, of course. If it turns out you’re wrong, it’s best you fail alone.” He picked up the phone. “I’m sure you understand.”

GURLEY HAD LIMITED (and diminishing) authority over a special Army Air Corps crew that was stationed at Elmendorf Field. They had all been nominally trained in the spotting and destruction, though not recovery, of balloon bombs. More important, they had all been sworn to secrecy, to such a degree that none of the men would even talk to me when I got out to the field at first light, around 4 A.M. I wasn’t sure what Gurley had told them, other than our destination and my name.

We were to take a floatplane out to Shuyak, a modified PBY Catalina that looked about as ungainly and makeshift as the balloons. It had the hull of a boat but the snout of a plane; its wings extended heavily from the top of the fuselage, like the arms of a lumbering giant. Pilots called it a two-fisted airplane; once in the air, you wrestled it more than steered it.

A young airman outfitted me with gear, including a chest-pack parachute.

“What’s this for?” I asked.

“First flight over enemy territory?” he answered, not looking at me.

“We’re just heading to Shuyak,” I said. “That’s well behind the front lines.”

He corrected my pronunciation and said again, “Like I was saying, this your first flight?”

“I don’t understand,” I said. “I thought only the two outermost Aleutian islands were ever occupied by the Japanese. And they’re long gone.”

“Right,” the airman said. “But who’s going out there to check on them these days? Thing is, the Japs have been sneaking on and off all those islands out there for a long time now.” He raked down a strap. “Thing is, a hundred miles out of Anchorage, you don’t know whose side you’re on.”

“You could be anywhere,” I said.

“You could be following some idiot’s hunch to go to Shuyak,” the airman said, stepping back.

I climbed aboard.

THE PLANE BUFFETED along through a constantly changing sky that seemed to have leaked from the pages of Gurley’s captured atlas. The sunrise chased us as we flew south and slightly west, the sky going from sooty gray to a strange, soupy green, and then improbably into pink. One of the PBY’s stranger features was a pair of bubble windows, or “blisters,” that bulged out just forward of the tail. Each was manned with a spotter, neither of whom seemed much interested in spotting anything. I offered to take over for one of them and soon found myself staring slack-jawed at the celestial show while the rest of the crew snoozed or snickered.

By the time we reached Shuyak, it was just before six. During the last forty-five minutes of the flight, I had come to my senses; that is to say, I had realized that I had endangered my life and the lives of a brave, if surly, crew because I had a-what? A hunch? Based on a woman’s whisper? Or a hand’s promise?

From Anchorage, we’d flown southwest over the waters of Cook Inlet, skirting the coast of the Kenai Peninsula. Looking out the right side of the aircraft, I watched a series of volcanic peaks stretch along the coast. Snowy and distant, they looked like mountains you might visit in a dream. I wondered if Lily’s island lay beneath them.

A crew member elbowed me and then handed over his headset. As I fumbled to put it on, he shouted something above the plane’s roar that I did not understand.

The sudden arrival of voices via the headset brought on a flash of recognition. Voices in my head: now, this was madness. “We’re here, Sergeant,” the pilot said. “Now, just where on Shuyak is this balloon going to land?” I had, of course, assumed that Shuyak was an island as big, and featureless, as a soccer field, and that it would reveal its secrets to us in a single flyby

It did not. Shuyak was not an island but a wild, tiny continent. It was, in fact, flat as a soccer field-flatter than any other scrap of land in sight-but its surface was a dense paisley of Sitka spruce and pothole lakes. A half dozen balloons could land here and never be found.

Suddenly short of breath, I pulled my head out of the blister, only to see the entire crew staring at me, expectant. I crouched in the narrow space and, so I wouldn’t have to look at them, pretended to be studying some emergency ditching instructions printed on the cabin wall.

Before I could respond to the pilot, I heard another voice on the radio: “Whaddya know, balloon, two o’clock.” Everyone darted for one of the blisters; I managed to wedge my head in alongside another man’s.

I stared at my balloon.

The pilot brought the plane into a wide swoop, and we all watched, transfixed, as if we’d just entered the orbit of the moon. This balloon looked precisely like the one that had crashed into that California hillside, and for a moment, my mind insisted it was that balloon, resurrected and airborne once more.

I wanted it.

“Not too close now,” I muttered, and then realized I was speaking into the headset’s microphone. “They’re armed with explosives,” I said, speaking up. “There’s no telling what sets them off.”

“Trees,” said a sarcastic voice.

“Rocks,” said another.

“Bomb disposal sergeants,” said a third.

“Remember, Sergeant, we’ve been on this patrol for a few months now. We know what kind of animal this is.”

“Which explains why you’ve had such success figuring out where and when they’re going to land,” I thought, and without thinking further, said.

“Okay, folks, let’s take her down,” the pilot said. I looked around to see where we might touch down, but saw nothing. One of the crew tapped me on the shoulder and nodded to a small canvas sling seat that folded down from the wall. Once we were seated, I asked him via hand gestures-he didn’t have a headset-just how we would land. I understood the concept of floatplanes, but the island’s coast didn’t look hospitable to us bobbing alongside and hopping out.

My seatmate shook his head, and then pretended to shoot me with his thumb and index finger. Boom. The balloon exploded between his hands.

“We need to save it!” I shouted. Part of me wanted a scalp to bring back to Gurley; part of me was curious what magic had wrought: an island, a balloon. This was Lily’s prize as much as it was mine.

The pilot came back on. “Thanks, Sergeant, we’ll take it from here.”

“We have standing orders, don’t we, to recover all we can?”

“I have standing orders to preserve the lives of my crew,” he replied.

“But this is a big chance for us-it’s in excellent condition.” The pilot didn’t reply, and then I heard a burst of gunfire. The entire plane shook, and for a moment, I thought we had been hit.

“Bad news, Sergeant,” the pilot said. “It’s in lousy condition.” I went to the blister. The balloon had already dropped from sight; a surprisingly thin plume of smoke was all that remained.

“Did you hit the basket or the balloon?” I asked. There was still a chance we might recover something.

“It’s not that big a target,” said the pilot. He banked so I could see the balloon, which had plummeted into lighter-green waters just off the island’s coast. “I can’t really say we were aiming for one or the other.” The plane pulled up. We were heading home.

“We can’t leave,” I said quickly. “It’s in shallow water. What if someone finds it, what if one of the bombs attached hasn’t exploded? What if it went off and killed them?”

“I can drop you off, Sergeant.” The pilot laughed. “Answer all your questions.” I heard him radioing coded results of our mission back to base. I was feverish not to return. The balloon I’d seen-it wasn’t just a balloon, it was magic, or more. Not just my magic. The magic of an entire nation-Japan had managed to send a bomb several thousand miles, from their shores to ours-and the magic of a palm reader in Anchorage, the magic of a whisper, a touch. I did want to see that balloon, and desperately. Not because I wanted evidence for Gurley but because-because it was somehow the gateway to another world, a world I had invented, or that Lily had invented for me. And if I could grasp some piece of that world-that balloon-I’d make the dream real. I would prove to myself that all the rest of this awful dream- Alaska, Gurley, war-was controllable by me as well.

Or I would die in the attempt, which struck me as both noble and expedient. At least God wouldn’t take me for a coward, which I was sure was what He thought when I ducked the seminary. (Don’t smirk-He watched my every move in those days.) I cinched tight the parachute I’d been issued.

I had never leapt out of a plane before. Parachuting had been offered as part of our training, but few men took the course who were not required to. “Why jump out of a perfectly good airplane?” I heard a flight surgeon once ask. And the PBY didn’t make the task easy-it was built to float, after all, and so holes in the fuselage were few. If I wanted out, it looked like I’d have to wriggle out the blister.

But I was invincible now, full of faith and magic. I could escape the PBY, and I could master the art of jumping after exiting the plane. I ducked quickly to read the emergency instructions I’d seen before and then reached up to open the blister.

The crewman at my right pulled at me. I elbowed him away. Another man came from the left. I kicked.

The pilot started shouting in my headset. “Don’t go batty on me, Sergeant. You’re not going anywhere. For starters, I can’t afford to lose that headset you’re wearing.” I handed it off. I heaved myself up into the blister opening. The harness caught on something. The wind tore at me. The air was freezing. The men behind me were grabbing at my feet, my legs. I lost a boot to one of them and then the other.

One or two bruising kicks later, the wind snatched me away. The last thing I heard was “Head!” I looked up to see the tail assembly flash past my nose. And then I was flying, as free and fast as a shaman.

WHEN HE LATER HEARD about it, Gurley could not believe that I had jumped out of the plane. Neither could I, nor had I, technically speaking. I had kicked myself halfway out, but the wind had ripped me the rest of the way. It could as easily have been Lily’s hand pulling me earthward, as surely as she had pulled me toward Shuyak when she whispered in my ear.

And some spirit was with me that day. As chance would have it, the plane was flying slowly enough for someone who knew how to jump, to jump. And parachutes are not so complicated that a man of great faith cannot come to a decision as to which toggle to pull and deploy his parachute. Had I known a little more, however, I might have been able to actually land myself on the slip of rocky shore. Instead, I plunged into the ocean. Just fifty or so yards offshore-swimmable, were I in the summertime waters of my childhood Pacific Ocean, but here, the ocean was December cold and patrolled by what looked like, at first glance, miniature enemy submarines (they were, in fact, sea lions).

The pilot later told Gurley-who told me-that, all in all, it was a good thing I landed in the water. For one, I had deployed my chute late; I would have broken bones on land. And two, he likely would not have turned back to collect me had I landed on the island. Rather, he would have dropped supplies and called for a rescue mission. Any idiot-here Gurley must have smiled-could survive for a night or two.

But no man could survive in that ocean for more than a few minutes, certainly not one with a chute weighing him down, and so the pilot circled back, landed-a rather skillful, brave act, he insisted to all concerned, and it must have been, because he earned the Navy Cross for doing so, or for saving me. He motored as close as he could and then sent two profane crew members out in an inflatable to collect me, still conscious.

He had turned around to rescue me promptly, but the approach and landing still took time. I know now that I was only minutes from death. I didn’t know that then. I didn’t know the water was so cold that sailors who went overboard in Alaskan waters frequently died, especially farther north-even if the alarm had been sounded immediately even if rescuers worked as fast as they were able. The water was always faster. But I wasn’t thinking about death. I was thinking about three things, all at once: the knifing cold in my fingers and ears and feet, the way the water tasted nothing like the ocean in Southern California, and most of all: the balloon.

Almost too numb to form the words, I pleaded with my rescuers to collect the balloon as well. I could see the quick calculus cross their faces: brave or stupid, he’s earned at least one favor from us. Plus, there was the added benefit of knowing I would suffer, cold and wet, while they collected what they could.

“Just one problem with that plan, Sarge,” one of them said. “Who takes care of the bombs? They don’t pay any of us to do that. And you don’t look in any shape to do it.”

“Just-they’re probably missing,” I twisted around to look. “They would have gone off by now.” It was right about the point I saw them silently reach a mutual “What the hell?” that I decided to go myself. “Stay here,” I said. “Better yet, move back a ways.”

We’d landed at a thin gravel beach at the edge of a broad bay. The balloon itself had washed ashore, but the control frame had sunk in the shallow water where it fell. I missed my boots, but I also realized they probably would have dragged me straight to the bottom. I tried wading in after the frame-it was just two or three feet of water-but the shock of the cold water once more was so painful and absolute that I had to retreat. I went over to the balloon and pulled. I could feel everyone watching-the landing crew, the guys aboard the boat-but it was Sergeant Redes I was worried about. I was hoping he couldn’t see me from wherever he was, because he would never have condoned something so foolish. A bomb on the shore of a deserted island was not a bomb you risked your life for.

More to the point, you certainly didn’t tug on it. I felt a thud in my chest and saw the water suddenly boil, and a plume of water shoot up about twelve feet behind the control frame. I was still so taken with the magic of the balloon’s appearance that my first thought was not bombs, but sea monsters!-and then I got back to work.

Once the water settled, I looked at the control frame carefully. One of the bombs-the last remaining bomb, it appeared-had fallen off. I hauled what remained up onto the gravel and righted it.

I’d seen one from afar at Fort Cronkhite, and up close in Gurley’s Quonset hut, and in the training film he had yet to sit through. But this one seemed extraordinary. Not just because Lily had led me here, but because I was here. I had found it. Mine. It was, as Gurley might have said, a beautiful specimen, largely intact. Fresh from the ocean, still dangling fuses and ropes, it looked like a giant mechanical jellyfish, less a product of war than of some mad Victorian scientist.

I waved the guys over; they hesitated. I frowned, I was freezing. I’d found my prize and wanted to go. I turned back to the control frame and thought about how it resembled the one I’d seen in the film. Mine looked nicer, I thought. I could see the expressionless, silent man in the film point out different features of the device while an invisible narrator droned on. The silent man onscreen never showed a trace of emotion, but I remembered how the narrator’s voice had speeded up just once: A good location to look for booby taps is under the-I looked up. The crew was walking toward me now. I shouted at them to stop.

I carefully took hold of the control frame, noticed my hands were almost completely without sensation, and slowly tilted the apparatus on its side. And there it was. Not a booby trap, but the demolition block. A small tin box, about six inches long and two wide-I’ve got a breastpocket Bible not much bigger now. Inside would be a paper-wrapped two-pound picric acid charge, enough to destroy any evidence of the balloon. A fire would start in a forest, and no one would ever know how. Or a benumbed bomb disposal sergeant would blow himself up on a rocky shore, and no one would care how. I cut the fuse and removed the block. Then I carefully set it down at the other end of the beach. We could have safely transported it home, and Gurley would have wanted it for evidence, but I knew there was no way I could bring it on board-not after everyone had seen me take such care. Or rather, not after everyone had seen me almost forget to take care of it.

It took a bit of convincing to get the crew to finally come over, but they did. We hauled the control frame into the boat, and then onto the plane.

Within minutes, I was in dry clothes and growing warmer, though the cold I felt remains to this day. Ask anyone who has been rescued from icy waters. One’s bones, cells, never forget; they need only the barest reminder of a raw, wet day, even the sight of one onscreen, and the sea’s chill comes surging back.

My swim, as the crew called it, was significant not because of what we collected-a souvenir; I believe the control frame now sits in a collection of wartime artifacts in a museum in Canada-but because of that deep, cold water. I functioned differently after that. If I knew anything about biology, maybe I could tell you how-but I know everything about me felt changed. My skin, the way I moved, the insides of my eyelids, even. I’d get these flashing headaches when I sneezed, and I swear my blood flowed in reverse, or at least in some direction that allowed me to feel it. Really. Sitting there, I could feel all those molecules and cells and whatever other sludge blood ferries about inside us.

This would have made no sense to Gurley nor even the doctors at the hospital back at Fort Richardson. (The army had a large, if dwindling, corps of veterinarians, holdovers from the days of a mounted cavalry and mule trains-and since everything else about the military in Alaska was jury-rigged, we just assumed they’d been redeployed to work on humans.) So I didn’t tell them. But my heart had suffered some damage, and it was to my benefit. It made me more reckless, more eager for danger.

As for what happened to the other, less physical aspect of my heart, it’s obvious it froze as well. In time, one led to the other-the physical death to the death of a spirit-and I found myself willingly executing Gurley’s most every demand. In time, I did worse than that-I came to anticipating his demands before he would issue them. This is not to say that I became him, that he had molded me in his image. Hardly. But the truth was far worse.

“HOW DID YOU KNOW?”

This is what Gurley asked me when I returned.

It’s also what I asked Father Pabich when he found me in the hospital only minutes after I was installed there. (Who had told him I’d arrived?)

And it’s what Father Pabich asked Lily when she later joined me at my bedside.

When Gurley asked his question, I didn’t answer, pretending to be even more groggy than I was. And when I asked Father Pabich, he didn’t answer.

But when Father Pabich asked Lily how she knew what she knew about Shuyak-and how she knew me-not answering was not an option.

After his initial visit to the hospital, I didn’t see Gurley for a day or two. He’d promised as much; he said he was being summoned to yet another meeting, this time in Juneau. Might be gone for a week. He didn’t look pleased. I mentioned how Shuyak at least gave him something to crow about, and he shook his head. “Something’s up, Belk. Not good.” And with that, he was gone.

Father Pabich, on the other hand, checked back in on me several times. At first, I was touched-tough Father Pabich was actually a tender man. But when he returned again and again, and then once more right after dinner, I realized that what I was witnessing wasn’t so much tenderness but curiosity. The man wanted to know what I had done and where I had done it.

Fat chance. The more callow the secret keeper, the more tenaciously kept the secret. The Army had told me to keep quiet. Gurley had told me to keep quiet. I wasn’t going to tell Father Pabich, though the more he pressed, the more I realized I’d have to tell him something. Then an idea came to me, a fabulous one: I’d ask him to hear my confession. No priest could reveal anything told under the seal of confession. I didn’t know much, but I knew that.

So I asked to confess, and instead of saying yes, Father Pabich looked at me strangely. He knew something was afoot, and when he turned to look around the room, he thought he knew what, or who: Lily had appeared in the doorway.

As horrible as that moment was-Father Pabich assuming I’d hurriedly asked for confession because I’d caught sight of my illicit lover-that picture of Lily in the doorway is one of my favorites. I carry it around in my head as if a photograph actually existed. The lighting is poor, but she’s clear enough, and beautiful.

She had changed: she was wearing a long, dark coat (cashmere?), the collar trimmed with fur, a matching hat, long black gloves-but pretty, Park Avenue gloves that must have been useless against the cold. She was wearing equally pretty but useless boots, and was carrying a tiny black purse.

It’s her face I remember best. She wasn’t smiling. No, much better, she was worried. Thinking back on it now, I suppose she had plenty to be worried about-she was a woman, alone, on base, and her Eskimo features would have only made her the subject of increased attention and prejudice. But all I was thinking about then was that she was worried about me.

All the relative splendor that had caught my eye had caught Father Pabich’s as well. Her appearance and my sudden desire for confession combined to convince him of one thing: she was a prostitute. He didn’t say this, but he didn’t have to. Lily wore all that finery and no wedding ring, and that was proof enough for him. As corroboration, a semiconscious guy a few beds down gave a low whistle. Father Pabich shot him a look and Lily ignored them both. She took off her hat, peered into the room. She saw me, took a step, saw Father Pabich, hesitated, but only a second, and then came over to the bed.

She nodded to Father Pabich first. “Father,” she said quietly, and already, he was won over, just a little bit.

“Louis?” she said next, looking toward me.

I looked her up and down and grinned. “Who in the world arej you?”

She grinned back, but then Father Pabich said, “Indeed.”

“Oh, gosh, it’s okay, Father, I’m just joking,” I said, not quite yet realizing how much trouble I was in, or that we all would soon be in. “I know her. This is Lily,” I said, and then made things worse. “I’m just not used to seeing her, you know, dressed-this way.”

Lily pursed her lips. The whistler whistled. Father Pabich spoke: “Not another note, whistling soldier-or I tell the lady here, and the whole damn ward, just where it was you got operated on.” The man blanched and tried to roll over. “Perhaps a chair for your guest?” Father Pabich asked me. For a second, I thought he meant me to get up and fetch it for her. Perhaps he did, but I didn’t move, and he turned and dragged one from beside an empty bed.

“I’m not staying long,” Lily said.

“No,” Father Pabich said, and then, after a perfectly timed pause, added, “I imagine that gets expensive.”

It got really quiet then, except for over at the whistler’s bed, where two tiny words floated up: “Jesus Christ.”

“F-F-F-ather,” I whispered.

Father Pabich and Lily stared at each other, neither giving quarter. I saw Lily decide to smack him and then decide to back off. I saw Father Pabich determine to add further insult and then decide to remain quiet. Then Lily spoke, a short string of something I didn’t understand. She’d said it so softly, and in such a rush, that I took whatever she was saying to be in Yup’ik. Profane Yup’ik.

Father Pabich stared at her, flabbergasted. I did as well. I was embarrassed how she was reinforcing the fact that she wasn’t white-and I was embarrassed that she was cursing him in some Eskimo language that only she understood.

“I’m sorry, Father,” I broke in. “She’s-she’s Yup’ik, and that’s her”-I glared at Lily, but she didn’t look at me-“and that’s just her way of saying—”

“That I’m an ass,” Father Pabich said.

“Well, no,” I said.

“As are you,” he said. “Yup’ik,” he added, and shook his head. “Qui sine peccato est vestrum primus in illam lapidem mittat,” he said to me. “That’s what she said. That sound like Eskimo?”

I shook my head. “What part of the Mass is that from?”

“It’s from the Bible, dipsh-,” he said, and caught himself. “Can you translate it for him?” Father Pabich asked Lily. She said nothing. “Of course you can,” he added, lowering his eyes, involuntarily deferential. “What she said was ‘Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.’ An odd verse to memorize in Latin, but there you are: John, chapter seven.”

Finally, Lily smiled. “Eight,” she said.

“Somewhere, a nun is smiling,” Father Pabich said.

“Not in my experience,” Lily replied. “I’ll come back,” she said to me, and then extended her hand to Father Pabich. “It was nice meeting you, Father.” Father Pabich let the hand dangle there a moment, and then he shook it, cautiously.

As she left, I thought back to Father Pabich’s initial question: How did you know? “That’s how,” I said, watching the tail of her coat disappear through the door.

“What?” Father Pabich had been staring after her, too. When he turned back to face me, though, I was feigning sleep.

“HOW DID YOU KNOW?”

I was walking with Lily downtown the night after I’d been discharged from the hospital. It was late, the streets were almost empty and I was due back on base.

Lily answered my question with one of her own. “You really saw one? You saw a balloon.”

“Proof is back at the base.”

“I was right,” Lily said, more to herself, and we walked on in silence for a block.

I’d never had a girlfriend-it wasn’t something the nuns facilitated at the orphanage, and the Army hadn’t given me an awful lot of options-and so I wasn’t in much of a position to judge whether I had one then. But walking along like that, down a quiet street late at night, not even touching, but always just about to: it had to be something like this, I thought. I knew nothing of the world then, maybe I know less now, but I knew that much. I knew I was in love, or its teenage equivalent, and I knew Lily loved-well, I didn’t know if she loved me, but I knew she noticed me. She’d come to the hospital to see me, she’d braved Father Pabich, and she was walking alongside me now. We weren’t holding hands, but we were walking close enough to, and it felt like we could if we wanted to, and if I could ever feel that way again, just connect with another human, even my desiccated shaman friend Ronnie lying here-God forgive me, but I’d sell my soul for half price.

Lily finally broke the silence. “You believe in ghosts, right?”

I did, but in a storybook, Halloween kind of way that has nothing, really, to do with the true world of ghosts. But back then, I’d never seen a ghost. Nowadays-well, some winters you’d be hard-pressed at the end of the month to do an honest accounting of whom or what you’d seen. And I’m not talking about the Blessed Mother (who, you’ll note, more frequently reveals herself to the faithful in warmer climes- like Mexico or France).

So I told Lily no. And when she looked at me, disappointed, I tried, “Well, the Holy Ghost.”

“What are you going to tell Gurley when he asks you how you knew about Shuyak?” Lily asked.

“He already did ask, and I didn’t tell him anything.”

“He’ll ask again.”

“Maybe. What makes you so sure?”

“Because he will. That’s the way he is.”

“And you know him so well,” I said, the words out so quickly, I didn’t realize what I said until I saw her coming at me. Her face stopped just short of mine, and two minutes before, I would have closed my eyes and waited for the kiss. Now I blinked and swallowed and held my breath.

“I do know him,” she said, and the way she said it, I would have preferred that she had slapped me or kneed me or put a gun to my chest. She stepped back. “Better than you do, better than either of you know me.”

We’d stopped walking now. We were a couple blocks shy of the main road out to Fort Richardson.

“I told you I was Yup’ik—”

“Lily, I’m sorry if I—”

“And Russian—”

I tried a smile: “ ‘Boom.’ I remember.”

Lily tried to smile, too. “Well, this doesn’t come from the Russian part, that’s for sure.”

“What doesn’t?” I asked, but Lily ignored me. She was staring down the block ahead of us, talking.

“In fact, I’m sure the Russian blood just lessens my ability to- understand things. Because every generation of Yup’ik Eskimos has- people who-see. It’s just that it’s hard, and getting harder to see things here. In Anchorage. That’s why I’m going home.”

“I understand,” I said.

“You don’t,” Lily said. “That’s why I asked you about ghosts.”

“Shuyak was real. The balloon was real. The ocean was very real.”

“But those were things you saw, and felt. What about late at night? When you’re all alone? You hear a noise, you close the book you were reading, and look up, your finger marking the page you were on. What do you think?”

I tried to think of something funny to say, and then something serious, and finally came up with nothing at all.

“You think, for a split second, of ghosts, spirits. You do. It’s possible. And the feeling passes, sure, and the next morning the sun comes up, you’ve lost your place in the book, and everything real is real once again, but still, for that moment, it was possible.”

“For that moment,” I said. It really was time to go.

“It’s that moment,” Lily said. “Right now.”

“Right,” I said, frightened to discover I was frightened.

“Look where you are,” Lily said, walking around me, whispering. (She and Gurley shared a sense of drama, or else one had infected the other.) “There’s no one here. You’re in Alaska. In December. Even the sun is too scared to come around for more than a few hours each day.”

The street really had taken on a different cast. There were no other pedestrians, no other sounds.

“Ghosts,” I said absently, almost without meaning to.

“Not ghosts,” Lily said, “but possibilities. In Alaska, it’s all possible. Maybe elsewhere you need things like ghosts to explain what’s on the horizon of what’s real. But here, you’re already past that line. And on this side, the whole world is creaking.” Something, somewhere, made a tiny clink, on cue. “We’re all ghosts.” She came around to face me. “We all carry, inside us, people who came before us.”

“Sure,” I said. “Your mother’s brown eyes. Your father’s height.”

Lily shook her head. “Stop thinking like a kass’aq. At home, my home, someone dies, and a child takes up the name. Feed and clothe the child, and the deceased-they are fed and clothed in the land of the dead.”

“Land of the dead? Lily—”

“It’s true,” said Lily. She’d stopped acting: her voice was now urgent, emphatic, and didn’t quite match her eyes, which looked almost full of tears. “The dead who return, they come wearing things given to their namesake. One elder arrived wearing a dozen parkas. Years of gifts, layered one atop the other.”

“You’ve seen this?” I asked.

“I know this to be true,” she said angrily. I started to say something, but she continued: “I have heard the stories. Any elder will tell you.”

“Tell me a story,” I said, stalling so that I could quickly scan our surroundings. Something was wrong. A lot was wrong. I’d thought this walk might lead to a kiss-even if it was just a goodbye kiss-and instead we’d found our way to wherever we were. I wondered whether there was a chance the conversation would teeter back toward intimacy while she spoke.

But when I turned back to face her, she was crying. “Louis,” she said. “Please, if I tell you this—”

“Of course,” I said, distracted. “Lily—”

And then I found myself beset by ghosts. One I heard behind me- a quiet footfall, like someone barefoot or wearing moccasins, followed by a slow exhale. I turned, saw nothing and didn’t really expect to- my imagination had plenty to work with by then.

But I hadn’t been imagining Lily. I couldn’t have been. We’d talked, walked, had dinner together. So I turned back around, sheepish smile in place and ready to admit that, okay, perhaps she was right about spirits, because I swore I had just heard something behind me and—

She wasn’t there.

Not there, not down the block, not anywhere. I spent a minute looking, but only a minute, before starting back toward base, anxious now to hitch a ride home through the dark. But the only vehicle I saw was a jeep going the wrong direction-into town-and I ducked into the shadows in case they were MPs enforcing curfew.

There was just a single man in the jeep, and though I caught only a dim glimpse as he sped past me into town, I could tell it wasn’t an MP, but Gurley.