certainly reached no further, though it transported me almost to
madness, and frequently produced scenes sufficient to make even a
cynic expire with laughter.
I have experienced two kinds of love, equally real, which have
scarce any affinity, yet each differing materially from tender
friendship. My whole life has been divided between these affections,
and I have frequently felt the power of both at the same instant.
For example, at the very time I so publicly and tyrannically claimed
Miss Vulson, that I could not suffer any other of my sex to approach
her, I had short, but passionate, assignations with a Miss Goton,
who thought proper to act the schoolmistress with me. Our meetings,
though absolutely childish, afforded me the height of happiness. I
felt the whole charm of mystery, and repaid Miss Vulson in kind,
when she least expected it, the use she made of me in concealing her
amours. To my great mortification, this secret was soon discovered,
and I presently lost my young schoolmistress.
Miss Goton was, in fact, a singular personage. She was not handsome,
yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily
be forgotten, and this for an old fool, I am too often convinced of.
Her eyes, in particular, neither corresponded with her age, her
height, nor her manner; she had a lofty imposing air which agreed
extremely well with the character she assumed, but the most
extraordinary part of her composition was a mixture of forwardness and
reserve difficult to be conceived; and while she took the greatest
liberties with me, would never permit any to be taken with her in
return, treating me precisely like a child. This makes me suppose
she had either ceased herself to be one, or was yet sufficiently so to
behold us play the danger to which this folly exposed her.
I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses, that when
in the presence of either, I never thought of her who was absent; in
other respects, the effects they produced on me bore no affinity. I
could have passed my whole life with Miss Vulson, without forming a
wish to quit her; but then, my satisfaction was attended with a
pleasing serenity; and, in numerous companies, I was particularly
charmed with her. The sprightly sallies of her wit, the arch glance of
her eye, even jealousy itself, strengthened my attachment, and I
triumphed in the preference she seemed to bestow on me, while
addressed by more powerful rivals; applause, encouragement, and
smiles, gave animation to my happiness. Surrounded by a throng of
observers, I felt the whole force of love- I was passionate,
transported; in a tete-a-tete, I should have been constrained,
thoughtful, perhaps unhappy. If Miss Vulson was ill, I suffered with
her; would willingly have given up my own health to establish hers
(and, observe, I knew the want of it from experience); if absent,
she employed my thoughts, I felt the want of her; when present, her
caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart, though my senses
were unaffected. The familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have
supported the idea of her granting to another; I loved her with a
brother's affection only, but experienced all the jealousy of a lover.
With Miss Goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury; I
