No, no, I am being foolish. The sky has crushed me back toward child. Because she has gallant eyes and hair like a dark flower, it does not mean she is the one possible woman to fulfill that need I have tried for most of my life to drown out. It is only
that she is the first woman since my motherтs death whom I realize is a human being.
And for that, Tamara, I have been slipping three-fourths of my ration back into the common share, so your man may innocently take half of that for his. It is little enough I can do, to repay what you who I never saw gave to me.
уTerangi! You are all right, arenтt you?ф
уOh. Oh, yes, of course.ф Maclaren blinked at the other armored shape, shadowy beside him. уSorry, old chap. My mind wandered off on some or other daisy-plucking expedition.ф
TтS an odd thing,ф said Ryerson. уI find myself thinking more and more frivolously. As this cruise of yours, for
instance. I really mean to join you, if youтre still willing, and weтll take that champagne along and stop at every sunny island and loaf about and have a hell of a good time. I wouldnтt have expected this . . . what has happened . . . to change me in that direction. Would you?ф
уWhy, no,ф said Maclaren. уUh, I thought actually youўф
уI know. Because God seemed to be scourging me, I believed the whole creation must lie under His wrath. And yet, well, I have been on the other side of Doomsday. Here, in nightmare land. And somehow, oh, I donтt know, but the same God who kindled that nova saw equally fit to . . . to make wine for the wedding at Cana.ф
Maclaren wondered if the boy would regret so much selfrevelation later. Perhaps not if it had been mutual. So he answered with care, уOddly enough, or maybe not so oddly, my thinking has drifted in the other direction. I could never see any real reason to stay alive, except that it was more fun than being dead. Now I couldnтt begin to list all the reasons. To raise kids into the world, and learn something about the universe, and not compromise with someoneтs version of justice, andў Iтm afraid Iтm not a convert or anything. I still see the same blind cosmos governed by the same blind laws. But suddenly it matters. It matters terribly, and means something. What, I havenтt figured out yet. I probably never will. But I have a reason for living, or for dying if need be. Maybe thatтs the whole purpose of life: purpose itself. I canтt say. But I expect to enjoy the world a lot more.ф
Ryerson said in a thoughtful tone: уI believe weтve learned to take life seriously. Both of us.ф
The grinder chuted its last. dust into tl~e receptacle. The gasifier was inboard; and the cold, not far from absolute zero, was penetrating the suit insulators. Ryerson got up. Shadows lapped his feet. уOf course,ф he said, his voice suddenly cracked, уthat doesnтt help us a great deal if we starve to death out here.ф
Maclaren rose with him. The floodlamps ridged both their faces against the huge hollow dark. Maclaren caught Ryersonтs eyes with his own. For a moment they struggled, not moving under the constellations, but sweat sprang out upon Ryersonтs forehead.
уYou realize,ф said Maclaren, уthat we actually can eat for quite a while longer. Iтd say, at a guess, two more months.ф
уNo,ф whispered Ryerson. уNo, I wonтt.ф
уYou will,ф Maclaren told him.
He stood there another minute, to make certain of his victory, which he meant as a gift to Tamara. Then he turned on his heel and walked over to the machine. уCome on,ф he said, уletтs get to work.ф
XVI.
M ACLAREN woke up of himself. For a moment he did not remember where he was. He had been in some place of
trees, where water flashed bright beneath a hill. Someone had been with him, but her name and face would not come back. There was a lingering warmth on his lips.
He blinked at the table fastened to the ceiling. He was lying on a mattressў Yes. The Southern Cross, a chilly knowledge. But why had he wakened early? Sleep was the last hiding place left to him and Dave. They stood watch and watch at the web controls, and came back to their upside-down bunkroom and ate sleep. Life had shrunken to that.
Maclaren yawned and rolled over. The alarm clock caught his eye. Had the stupid thing stopped? He looked at the second hand for a while, decided that it was indeed moving. But then he had slept for holy shark-toothed sea gods, for thirteen hours!
He sat up with a gasp. Bloodlessness went through his head. He clung to his blankets and waited for strength to come back. How long a time had it been, while his tissues consumed themselves for lack of all other nourishment? He had stopped counting hours. But the ribs and joints stuck out on him so he sometimes listened for a rattle when he walked. Had it been a month? At least it was a time spent inboard, with little physical exertion; that fact alone kept him alive.
Slowly, like a sick creature, he climbed to his feet. If Dave hadnтt called him, Dave might have passed out, or died, or proven to have been only a starving manтs whim. With a host of furious fanciesўMaclaren shambled across to the shaftway. The transceiver rooms were aft of the gyros, they had been meant to be уdownф with respect to the observation deck whenever there was acceleration and now they were up above. Fortunately, the ship had been designed in the knowledge she would be in free fall most of her life. Maclaren gripped a rung with both hands. I could use a little free fall right now, he reflected through the dizziness. He put one foot on the next rung, used that leg and both hands to pull the next foot up beside it; now, repeat; once more; one for Father and one for Mother and one for Nurse and one for the cat and so it goes until here we are, shaking with exhaustion.
Ryerson sat at the control panel outside the receiving and transmitting chambers. It had been necessary to spotweld a chair, with attached ladder, to the wall and, of course, learn how to operate an upside-down control panel. The face that turned toward Maclaren was bleached and hairy and caved-in; but the voice seemed almost cheerful. уSo youтre awake.ф
уThe alarm didnтt call me,ф said Maclaren. He panted for air. уWhy didnтt you come rouse me?ф
уBecause I turned off the alarm in the first place.ф
уWhat?ф Maclaren sat down on what had been the ceiling and stared upward.
уYouтll fall apart if you donтt get more rest,ф said Ryerson. уYouтve been in worse shape than me for weeks, even before the . . . the food gave out. I can sit here and twiddle knobs without having to break off every eight hours.ф
╬Well, maybe.ф Maclaren felt too tired to argue.
уAny luck?ф he asked after a while.
уNot yet. Iтm trying a new sequence now. Donтt worry, weтre bound to hit resonance soon.ф
M ACLAREN considered the problem for a while. Lately his mind seemed to have lost as much ability to hold things as his fingers. Painfully, he reconstructed the theory and practice of gravitic mattercasting. Everything followed with simple logic from the fact that it was possible at all.
The signals necessarily used a pulse code, with amplitude and duration as the variables; there were tricky ways to include a little more information through the number of pulses per millisecond, if you set an upper limit to the duration of each. It all took place so rapidly that engineers could speak in wave terms without too gross an approximation. Each transceiver identified itself by a уcarrierф pattern, of which the actual mattercasting signal was a modulation. The process only took place if contact had been established, that is, if the transmitter was emitting the carrier pattern of a functioning receiver: the уresonanceф or уawarenessф effect which beat the inverse-square law, a development of Einsteinтs great truth that the entire cosmos is shaped by what momentarily happens to each of its material parts.
The ╬caster itself, by the very act of scanning, generated the signals which recreated the object transmitted. But first the ╬caster must be tuned in on the desired receiving station. The manual aboard ship gave the call pattern of every established transceiver: but, naturally, gave it in terms of the standardized and tested web originally built into the ship. Thus, to reach Sol, the book said, blend its pattern with that of Rashidтs Star, the initial relay station in this particular case. Your signal will be automatically bucked on, through several worlds, till it reaches Earthтs Moon. Here are the respective voltages, dscillator frequencies, et cetera, involved; add them up and use the resultant.
Ryersonтs handmade web was not standardized. He could put a known pattern into it, electronically, but the gravitics would emit an unknown one, the call signal of a station not to be built for the next thousand years. He lacked instruments to measure the relationship, so he could not recalculate the appropriate settings. It was cut and try, with a literal infinity of
choices and only a few jackleg estimates to rule out some of the possibilities.
Maclaren sighed. A long time had passed while he sat thinking. Or so his watch claimed. He hadnтt noticed it go by, himself.
уYou know something, Dave?ф he said.
уHm-m-m?ф Ryerson turned a knob, slid a vernier one notch, and punched along a row of buttons.
уWe are out on the far edge of no place. I forgot how far to the nearest station, but a devil of a long ways. This haywire rig of ours may not have the power to reach it.ф
уI knew that all the time,ф said Ryerson. He slapped the main switch. Needles wavered on dials, oscilloscope tracings glowed elthill green, it whined in the air. уI think our apparatus is husky enough, though. Remember, this ship has left Sol farther behind than any other ever did. They knew she would
ўa straight-line course would just naturally outrun the threedimensional expansion of our territoryўso they built the transceiver with capacity to spare. Even in its present battered state, it might reach Sol directly, if conditions were just right.ф
уThink we will? That would be fun.ф
Ryerson shrugged. уI doubt it, frankly. Just on a statistical basis. There are so many other stations by nowўHey!ф
Maclaren found himself on his feet, shaking. уWhat is it?ф he got out. уWhat is it? For the love of heaven, Dave, what is it?ф
