The Schopenhauer Cure

A Novel

Irvin D. Yalom

To my community of older buddies who grace me with their friendship, share life`s

inexorable diminishments and losses, and continue to sustain me with their wisdom and

dedication to the life of the mind: Robert Berger, Murray Bilmes, Martel Bryant, Dagfinn

Føllesdahl, Joseph Frank, Van Harvey, Julius Kaplan, Herbert Kotz, Morton Lieberman,

Walter Sokel, Saul Spiro, and Larry Zaroff.

32

_________________________

The monuments,

the ideas left

behind by

beings like me

are my greatest

pleasure in

life. Without

books I would

long ago have

been in

despair.

_________________________

Julius entered the group room the following week to an odd scene.

The members, sprawled in their seats, were intently studying

Philip`s parable. Stuart had placed his copy on a clipboard and

underlined as he read. Having forgotten his copy, Tony was

reading over Pam`s shoulder.

Rebecca, with a hint of exasperation in her voice, began the

meeting: «I`ve read this with due diligence.» She held up Philip`s

handout, then folded it and put it in her purse. «I`ve given it

enough time, Philip, in fact, too much time, and now I`d like you

to disclose the relevance of this text to me or the group or Julius.»

«I think it would be a richer exercise if the class discussed it

first,” responded Philip.

«Class? That`s what this feels like—a class assignment. Is

this the way you do counseling, Philip? she asked, snapping her

purse shut. «Like a teacher in a classroom? This is not why I`m

here; I came for treatment, not for adult education.»

Philip took no note of Rebecca`s huffiness. «At best there

exists only a vague boundary between education and therapy. The

Greeks—Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, the Stoics and Epicureans—all

believed that education and reason were the tools needed to combat

human suffering. Most philosophical counselors consider

education to be the foundation of therapy. Almost all ascribe to

Leibniz`s mottoCaritas sapientis meaning ‘wisdom and care.`”

Philip turned toward Tony. «Leibniz was a German philosopher of

the seventeenth century.»

«I`m finding this tedious and presumptuous,” said Pam.

«Under the guise of helping Julius, you»—she raised her voice an

octave—«Philip, I`m talking to you...” Philip, who had been

tranquilly staring upward, jerked upright and turned toward Pam.

«First, you pass out this sophomoric assignment and now try to

control the group by coyly withholding your interpretation of the

passage.»

«Here you go once again trying to de–ball Philip,” said Gill.

«For God sakes, Pam, he`s a professional counselor. You don`t

need to be a rocket scientist to figure out that he`ll try to contribute

to the group by drawing from his own expertise. Why begrudge

him everything?»

Pam opened her mouth to speak but closed it, seemingly at a

loss for words. She stared at Gill, who added: «You asked for

straight feedback, Pam. You got it. And no, I`ve not been drinking,

if that`s what you`re thinking. I`m in my fourteenth day of

sobriety—I`ve been meeting with Julius twice a week—he`s turned

on the heat, tightened the screws, and got me going to an AA

meeting every day, seven days a week, fourteen meetings in

fourteen days. I didn`t mention it last week because I wasn`t sure I

could stick it out.»

All the members, save Philip, reacted strongly with nods and

congratulations. Bonnie told him she was proud of him. Even Pam

managed a «good for you.» Tony said, «Maybe I should join you.»

He pointed to his bruised cheek. «My boozing leads to bruising.»

«Philip, how about you? You got a response to Gill?» asked

Julius.

Philip shook his head. «He`s already had a good bit of

support from others. He`s sober, speaking out, gaining strength.

Sometimes more support is less.»

«I like that motto of Leibnitz you cited,Caritas sapientis —

wisdom and care,” said Julius. «But I urge you not to forget

the‘caritas` part. If Gill deserves support,why should you always

be last in line? And, what`s more, you`ve got unique information:

who else but you can expressyour feelings about his coming to

your defense and confronting Pam on your behalf?»

«Well said,” responded Philip. «I have mixed feelings. I

liked Gill`s support, and at the same time I`m wary of liking it.

Rely on others to do battle for you, and your own musculature will

atrophy.»

«Well, I`m going to reveal more of my ignorance,” said

Tony, pointing to the handout. «This boat story, Philip—I really

don`t understand it. You told us last week you were going to give

Julius something comforting, and yet this story about a boat and

passengers—I mean, to put it bluntly, I don`t know what the fuck

gives here.»

«Don`t apologize,” said Bonnie. «I told you, Tony, that you

almost always speak for me—I`m as confused as you are about this

ship and gathering shells.»

«Me too,” said Stuart. «I don`t get it.»

«Let me help,” said Pam. «After all, interpreting literature is

how I earn a living. First step is to go from the concrete—that is,

the ship, the shells, the sheep, and so on—to the abstract. In other

words, ask yourself: what does this ship or voyage or harbor

represent?»

«I think the ship stands for death—or the journey toward

death,” said Stuart, glancing at his clipboard.

«Okay,” said Pam. «So, where do you go from there?»

«Seems to me,” Stuart replied, «the main point isdon`t pay

so much attention to details on shore that you`ll miss the boat`s

sailing. ”

«So,” said Tony, «if you get too caught up in shore stuff—

even having a wife and kids—then the boat might sail without

you—in other words, you might miss your death. Big deal—is that

such a catastrophe?»

«Yeah, yeah, you`re right, Tony,” said Rebecca, «I also

understood the boat to be death, but when you put it that way I see

it doesn`t make sense.»

«I don`t get it either,” said Gill, «but it doesn`t say you`ll

miss death; it says you`ll go to it trussed up like the sheep.»

«Whatever,” said Rebecca, «but this still doesn`t feel like

therapy.» She turned to Julius, «This is supposed to be for you. Do

you find any comfort in this?»

«I`ll repeat what I said last time to you last week, Philip.

What I get is the knowledge that you want to give me something to

ease my ordeal. And also that you shy away from doing that

directly. Instead, you choose a less personal approach. Sets a future

agenda, I think, for you to work on expressing your caring in a

more personal way.

«As for the content,” Julius continued, «I`m confused also,

but this is how I understand it: since the boat might sail at any

time—that is, since death could call us at any point—we should

avoid getting too attached to the things of the world. Perhaps it

warns us that deep attachments would make dying more painful. Is

this the message of consolation you`re trying to give me, Philip?»

«I think,” Pam interjected before Philip could answer, «that

it falls into place better if you think of the ship and the journey not

as representing death but what we might call the authentic life. In

other words, we live more authentically if we keep focused on the

fundamental fact of sheer being, the miracle of existence itself. If

we focus on «being,” then we won`t get so caught up in the

diversions of life, that is, the material objects on the island, that we

lose sight of existence itself.»

A brief silence. Heads turned toward Philip.

«Exactly,” responded Philip with a hint of enthusiasm in his

tone. «My view exactly. The idea is that one has to beware of

losing oneself in life`s distractions. Heidegger called it falling or

being absorbed in theeverydayness of life. Now, I know you can`t

abide Heidegger, Pam, but I don`t believe his misguided politics

should be permitted to deprive us of the gift of his philosophical

insights. So, to paraphrase Heidegger, falling intoeverydayness

results in one`s becoming unfree—like the sheep.

«Like Pam,” Philip continued, «I believe the parable warns

us against attachment and urges us to stay attuned to the miracle of

being—not to worry abouthow things are but to be in a state of

wondermentthat things are —that things exist at all.»

«Now I think I`m getting your meaning,” said Bonnie, «but

it`s cold, abstract. What comfort is there in that? For Julius, for

anyone?»

«For me, there is comfort in the idea that my death informs

my life.» Philip spoke with uncharacteristic fervor as he continued,

«There is comfort in the idea of not allowing my core being to be

devoured by trivialities, by insignificant successes or failures, by

what I possess, by concerns about popularity—who likes me, who

doesn`t. For me, there is comfort in the state of remaining free to

appreciate the miracle of being.»

«Your voice sounds energized,” said Stuart, «but I also think

this seems steely and bloodless. It`s cold consolation. Makes me

shiver.»

The members were puzzled. They sensed that Philip had

something of value to offer but, as usual, were confused by his

bizarre manner.

After a brief silence Tony asked Julius, «Does this work for

you? I mean in terms of offering you something. Does it help you

in some way?»

«It doesn`t work for me, Tony. Yet, as I`ve said,” he turned

toward Philip, «you`re reaching out to give me something that

works for you. I`m aware, too, this is the second time you`ve

offered me something I`ve not been able to make use of, and that

must be frustrating for you.»

Philip nodded but remained silent.

«A second time! I don`t recall another time,” said Pam. «Did

it happen when I was away?»

Several heads shook no. No one else remembered a first

time, and Pam asked Julius, «Are there blanks that need to filled in

here?»

«There`s old history between Philip and me,” said Julius. «A

lot of the puzzlement today could be removed by relating this

history. But I feel it`s up to you, Philip. When you`re ready.»

«I`m willing for all to be discussed,” said Philip. «You have

carte blanche.»

«No, what I mean is, it`s not for me to do that. To paraphrase

your words,it would be a richer exercise if you would discuss it

yourself. I think it`s your call and your responsibility.?»

Philip tilted his head upward, closed his eyes, and, using the

same tone and manner as when reciting a memorized passage,

began: «Twnety–five years ago I consulted Julius for what is now

termedsexual addiction. I was predatory, I was driven, I was

insatiable, I thought of little else. My whole being was caught up in

the pursuit of women—new women, always new women, because

once I bedded a woman I rapidly lost interest in her. It was as

though the epicenter of my existence was that moment of

ejaculating inside the woman. And once that happened I had a brief

respite from my compulsion, but soon—sometimes only hours

later—I felt the call to prowl again. Sometimes I had two or three

women in a day. I was desperate. I wanted to get my mind out of

the trough, to think about other things, to touch some of the great

minds of the past. I was educated in chemistry then, but I yearned

for real wisdom. I sought help, the best and most expensive

available, and met with Julius weekly, sometimes twice weekly,

for three years, without benefit.»

Philip paused. The group stirred. Julius asked, «How is this

going for you, Philip? Can you go farther, or is it enough for one

day?»

«I`m fine,” replied Philip.

«With your closed eyes it`s hard to read you,” said Bonnie.

«I`m wondering if you keep them closed because you fear

disapproval.»

«No, I close my eyes to look within and collect my thoughts.

And surely I`ve made it clear that only my own approval matters to

me.»

Again there settled onto the group that strange otherworldly

sense of Philip`s untouchability. Tony tried to dispel it by

whispering loudly, «Nice try, Bonnie.»

Without opening his eyes, Philip continued. «Not too long

after I gave up therapy with Julius, I inherited a fair sum of money

from the maturation of a trust account my father had set up for me.

The money enabled me to leave my profession as a chemist and

devote myself to reading all of Western philosophy—in part

because of my enduring interest in that field, but primarily because

I believed that somewhere in the collective wisdom of the world`s

great thinkers I would find a cure for my condition. I felt at home

in philosophy and soon realized that I had found my true calling. I

applied and was accepted in the philosophy doctoral program at

Columbia. It was at that time that Pam had the misfortune of

crossing my path.»

Philip, eyes still closed, paused and inhaled deeply. All eyes

were on him except for furtive glances toward Pam, who stared at

the floor.

«As time went by I chose to concentrate my attention on the

trinity of truly great philosophers: Plato, Kant, and Schopenhauer.

But, in the final analysis, it was only Schopenhauer who offered

me help. Not only were his words pure gold for me, but I sensed a

strong affinity with his person. As a rational being I cannot accept

the idea of reincarnation in its vulgar sense, but if Ihad lived before

it would have been as Arthur Schopenhauer. Simply knowing of

his existence has tempered the ache of my isolation.

«After reading and rereading his work for several years, I

found that I had overcome my sexual problems. By the time I

received my doctorate, my father`s bequest was exhausted and I

needed to earn a living. I taught at a few places around the country

and a few years ago moved back to San Francisco to accept a

position at Coastal University. Eventually I lost interest in teaching

because I never found students worthy of me or my subject, and

then, about three years ago, it occurred to me that, since

philosophy had healed me, I might be able to use philosophy to

heal others. I enrolled in and completed a counseling curriculum

and then began a small clinical practice. And that brings me to the

present.»

«Julius was useless to you,” said Pam, «yet you contacted

him again. Why?»

«I didn`t. He contacted me.»

Pam muttered, «Oh, yeah, right out of the blue Julius

contactedyou ?»

«No, no, Pam,” said Bonnie, «that part is true; Julius

confirmed it when you were away. I can`t fill you in on it because

I`ve never really understood it myself.»

«Right, let me come in here,” said Julius. «I`ll reconstruct it

as best I can. The first few days after receiving the bad news from

my doctor I was staggered and tried to find a way to come to terms

with having a lethal cancer. One evening I got into a very morose

mood as I thought about the meaning of my life. I got to thinking

about being destined to slip into nothingness and remaining there

forever. And that being so, then what difference did anyone or any

activity make?

«I can`t remember the whole chain of my morbid thinking,

but I knew I had to clutch some kind of meaning or I would drown

on dry land, then and there. As I surveyed my life, I realized that

Ihad experienced meaning—and that it always involved stepping

outside of myself, helping others to live and to fulfill themselves.

More clearly than ever before I realized the centrality of my work

as a therapist and then I thought for hours about those I had helped;

all my patients, old and new, paraded through my imagination.

«Many Iknew I had helped but had I had anenduring impact

on their lives? That was the question that plagued me. I think I told

the rest of group before Pam returned that I had to know the

answer to this question so badly I decided to contact some of my

old patients to find out whether I had truly made a difference.

Seems crazy, I know.

«Then, while browsing through the charts of my long–ago

patients, I also began thinking of those I had failed to help. What

had happened tothem ? I wondered. Could I have done more? And

then the thought, the wishful thought, arose that maybe some of

my failures were late bloomers, maybe they had gotten some

delayed benefit from our work together. Then my eye fell upon

Philip`s chart, and I remember saying to myself, ‘If you want

failure,there is failure—there is someone youreally didn`t help—

you couldn`t make even a dent in his problems.` From that moment

on, I had an irresistible impulse to contact Philip and find out what

happened to him, to see if, in some way, I had been useful to him

after all.»

«So that`s how it came about that you called him,” said Pam.

«But how did it come about that he entered the group?»

«You want to pick it up from here, Philip?» said Julius.

«I believe it would be a richer exercise if you continued,”

said Philip with the slightest trace of a smile on his lips.

Julius quickly filled the group in on the subsequent events:

Philip`s appraisal that his therapy had been without value and that

Schopenhauer had been his real therapist, the e–mail invitation to

the lecture, Philip`s request for supervision…

«I don`t get it, Philip,” interrupted Tony. «If you didn`t get

anything from Julius in therapy, then why in hell would you want

his supervision?»

«Julius posed that exact question, several times,” said Philip.

«My answer is that even though he didn`t help me, I could still

appreciate his superior skills. Perhaps I was a recalcitrant, resistive

patient, or perhaps my particular type of problem would not yield

to his particular approach.»

«Okay, got it,” said Tony. «I interrupted you, Julius.»

«I`m about finished. I agreed to become his supervisor with

one condition: that he first spend six months in my therapy group.»

«I don`t think you`ve ever explained why you made that

condition,” said Rebecca.

«I observed the way he related to me and to his students and

told him that his impersonal and uncaring manner would interfere

with his becoming a good therapist. Is that your view of it, Philip?»

«Your precise words to me were: ‘How can you be a

therapist when you don`t know what the fuck is going on between

you and other people?`”

«Bingo,” said Pam.

«Sounds like Julius, all right,” said Bonnie.

«Sounds like Julius when his buttons are being pushed,” said

Stuart. «Were you pushing his buttons?»

«Not intentionally,” replied Philip.

«I`m still not clear, Julius,” said Rebecca. «I understand why

you called Philip, and why you advised him to get group therapy.

But why did you put him in your group or agree to supervise him?

You have plenty on your plate now. Why take on this additional

task?»

«You guys are tough today. That`s the big question and I`m

not sure I can answer it, but it`s got something to do with

redemption and setting things right.»

«I know a lot of this discussion was to fill me in and I

appreciate that, «said Pam. «I have just one more query. You said

Philip twice offered you comfort—or tried to. I still haven`t heard

about the first time.»

«Right, we started toward there but never got to it,” Julius

responded. «I attended one of Philip`s lectures and gradually

understood that he had constructed it specifically to offer me some

help. He discussed at length a passage from a novel in which a

dying man obtained much consolation from reading a passage by

Schopenhauer.»

«Which novel?» asked Pam.

«Buddenbrooks,” replied Julius.

«And it wasn`t helpful? Why not?» asked Bonnie.

«For several reasons. First Philip`s mode of giving me

comfort was very indirect—much like the way he just presented

the passage by Epictetus...”

«Julius,” said Tony, «I`m not being a smart ass, but wouldn`t

it be better to speak directly to Philip—and guess who I learned

this from?»

«Thanks, Tony—you are one hundred percent right.» Julius

turned to face Philip. «Your mode of offering me counsel in the

course of a lecture was off–putting—so indirect and so public. And

so unexpected because we had just spent an hour in private face–to–face talk in which you seemed utterly indifferent to my condition.

That was one thing. And the other was the actual content. I can`t

repeat the passage here—I don`t have your photographic

memory—but essentially it described a dying patriarch having an

epiphany in which the boundaries dissolved between himself and

others. As a result he was comforted by the unity of all life and the

idea that after death he would return to the life force whence he

came and hence retain his connectedness with all living things.

That about right?» Julius looked at Philip, who nodded.

«Well, as I tried to tell you before, Philip, that idea offers me

no comfort—zero. If my own consciousness is extinguished, then

it matters little to me that my life energy or my bodily molecules or

my DNA persists in deep space. And if connectivity is the quest,

then I`d rather do it in person, in the flesh. So»—he turned and

scanned the group and then faced Pam—«that was the first

consolation Philip offered, and the parable in your hands is the

second.»

After a brief silence Julius added, «I`m feeling I`ve been

doing too much talking today. How are you all responding to

what`s been happening so far?»

«I`m interested,” said Rebecca.

«Yeah,” said Bonnie.

«This is some pretty high–level stuff going on,” said Tony,

«but I`m staying with it.»

«I`m aware,” noted Stuart, «of ongoing tension here.»

«Tension between...?» asked Tony.

«Between Pam and Philip, of course.»

«And lots between Julius and Philip,” added Gill, again

taking up Philip`s cause. «I`m wondering, Philip, do you feel

listened to? Do you feel your contributions get the consideration

they merit?»

«It seems to me, that...that...well...” Philip was unusually

tentative but soon regained his characteristic fluency. «Isn`t it

precipitous to dismiss so quickly—”

«Who are you talking to?» asked Tony.

«Right,” answered Philip. «Julius, isn`t it precipitous to

dismiss so quickly a concept that has offered consolation to much

of humanity for millennia? It is Epictetus`s idea, and

Schopenhauer`s as well, that excessive attachment either to

material goods, to other individuals, or even attachment to the

concept of ‘I` is the major source of human suffering. And doesn`t

it follow that such suffering can be ameliorated by avoiding the

attachment? Indeed, these ideas are at the very heart of the

Buddha`s teaching as well.»

«That`s a good point, Philip, and I will take it to heart. What

I hear you saying is that you`re giving me good stuff which I

dismiss out of hand—and that leaves you feeling unvalued.

Right?»

«I said nothing about feeling unvalued.»

«Not out loud. I`m intuiting that—it would be such a human

response. I`ve a hunch if you will look inside you`ll find it there.»

«Pam, you`re rolling your eyes,” said Rebecca. «Is this talk

about attachment reminding you of your meditation retreat in

India? Julius, Philip—both of you missed the postgroup coffee

when Pam described her time at the ashram.»

«Yep, exactly,” said Pam. «I had a bellyful of talk about the

relinquishment of all attachments including the inane idea that we

can sever our attachment to our personal ego. I ended up with

strong feelings that it was all so life–negating. And that parable

Philip handed out—what`s the message? I mean, what kind of

voyage, what kind of life, is it if you are so focused on the

departure that you can`t enjoy your surroundings and can`t enjoy

other people? And that`s what I see in you, Philip.» Pam turned to

address him directly. «Your solution to your problems is a

pseudosolution; it`s no solution at all—it`s something else—it`s a

relinquishment of life. You`re not in life; you don`t really listen to

others, and when I hear you speak I don`t feel I`m listening to a

living, breathing person.»

«Pam,” Gill sprang to Philip`s defense, «talk about

listening—I`m not sureyou do much listening. Did you hear that he

was miserable years ago? That he had overwhelming problems and

impulses? That he did not respond tothree full years of therapy

with Julius? That he did what you just did last month—what any of

us would do—seek another method? That he finally got help from

a different approach—one which is no freakish New Age

pseudosolution? And that now he`s trying to offer something to

Julius by using the approach that helped him?»

The group was silenced by Gill`s outburst. After a few

moments Tony said, «Gill, you are something else today! Sticking

it to my girl Pam—I don`t like that, but, man, I sure do like the

way you`re talking here—hope it rubs off on your home life with

Rose.»

«Philip,” said Rebecca, «I want to apologize for being so

dismissive earlier today. I want to say that I`m changing my mind

about this...story by...by...Epihetus...”

«Epictetus,” said Philip in a softer tone.

«Epictetus, thanks.» Rebecca continued, «The more I think

about it, this whole thing about attachment throws a light on some

of my stuff. I think Iam suffering from excessive attachment—not

to things or possessions but to my looks. All my life I`ve had a free

pass because of a pretty face—got lots of affirmation—prom

queen, homecoming queen, beauty contests—and now that it`s

fading...”

«Fading?» said Bonnie. «Just pass the faded remnants on to

me.»

«Me, too, I`ll trade you anytime and throw in all my

jewelry...and kids, if I had any,” said Pam.

«I appreciate that. I really do. But it`s all relative.» Rebecca

went on, «Iam too attached. Iam my face, and now that it`s become

less, I feelI am less. I`m having a lot of trouble giving up my free

pass.»

«One of Schopenhauer`s formulations that helped me,” said

Philip, «was the idea that relative happiness stems from three

sources: what one is, what one has, and what one represents in the

eyes of others. He urges that we focus only on the first and do not

bank on the second and third—onhaving andour reputation —

because we have no control over those two; they can, and will, be

taken away from us—just as your inevitable aging is taking away

your beauty. In fact, ‘having` has a reverse factor, he said—what

we have often starts to have us.»

«Interesting, Philip. All three parts of that—what you are,

have, and stand for in the eyes of others—hits home for me. I`ve

lived too much of my life for that last part—what others will think

of me. Let me confess another secret: my magic perfume. I`ve

never talked to anyone about this, but ever since I can remember

I`ve daydreamed about manufacturing a perfume called Rebecca

made up of my essence which lingers indefinitely and causes

anyone who inhales it to think of my beauty.»

«Rebecca, you`re taking so many more risks now. I love it,”

said Pam.

«Me too,” said Stuart. «But let me tell you something that`s

never registered before. I like to look at you, but I`m realizing now

that your good looks are a barrier to seeing or knowingyou, maybe

even as much of a barrier as when a woman is ugly or misshapen.»

«Wow, that`s a shocker. Thanks, Stuart.»

«Rebecca, I want you to know,” said Julius, «that I too am

touched by your trusting us with your daydream about the

perfume. It points out what a vicious circle you`ve set up. You

confuse your beauty with your essence. And then what happens, as

Stuart points out, is that others do not relate to your essence but to

your beauty.»

«A vicious circle which leaves me doubting whether there`s

anything there. I`m still struck by your phrase the other week,

Julius, ‘the beautiful empty woman`—that`s me in spades.»

«Except the vicious circle may be breaking down,” said Gill.

«I know I`ve seen more of you—that is, something deeper, in the

last few weeks than in the whole previous year.»

«Yeah, me too,” agreed Tony, «and, I`m being serious now,

I want to say I`m really sorry about counting out money when you

told us about that time in Las Vegas—I acted like a real jerk.»

«Apology noted and accepted,” said Rebecca.

«You`ve gotten a lot of feedback today, Rebecca,” said

Julius. «How`re you feeling about it?»

«I feel great—it`s good. I feel people are treating me

differently.»

«It`s not us,” said Tony, «it`s you. Put real stuff in—get real

stuff out!»

«Put real stuff in—get real stuff out.I like that, Tony,” said

Rebecca. «Hey, you`re getting good at this therapy business;

maybeI should start counting out money. What are your fees?»

Tony smiled broadly. «Since I`m on a roll, let me give you

my guess, Julius, about why you went out of your way to work

with Philip again. Maybe when you first saw Philip years ago you

were closer to that state of mind you told us about last week—you

know, having strong sex desires for other women.»

Julius nodded. «Go on.»

«Well, here`s what I`m wondering: if you had issues similar

to Philip`s—not the same but something in that ballpark—could

that have gotten in the way of your therapy with him?»

Julius sat up straight in his chair. Philip, too, straightened

up. «You are sure catching my attention, Tony. Now I`m beginning

to remember why therapists are hesitant to reveal themselves—I

mean it doesn`t go away—what you reveal comes back to haunt

you again and again.»

«Sorry, Julius, I definitely didn`t mean to put you on the

spot.»

«No, no, it`s okay. I really mean that. I`m not complaining;

maybe I`m just stalling. Your observation is good—maybe it`stoo

good, too close, and I`m resisting a bit.» Julius paused and thought

a moment. «Okay, here`s what comes up for me: I remember that I

was surprised and dismayed that I hadn`t helped Philip. Ishould

have helped him. When we began, I would have taken a big bet

that I would have helped him a lot. I thought I had an inside track

on helping him. I was sure that my own personal experience would

grease the rails of therapy.»

«Maybe,” said Tony. «Maybe that`s why you invited Philip

into this group—give it another try, getting another chance.

Right?»

«You took the words out of my mouth,” said Julius. «I was

just going to say that. This may be the reason why a few months

ago when I was wondering about who I helped and who I didn`t, I

got so fixated on Philip. In fact, when Philip came to mind I began

to lose interest in contacting other patients.

«Hey, look at the time. I hate to bring this meeting to an end,

but we`ve got to stop. Good meeting—I know I`ve got a lot to

think about—Tony, you opened up some things for me. Thanks.»

«So,” said Tony with a grin, «am I excused from paying

today?»

«Blessed is he who gives,” said Julius. «But who knows?—

keep on like this and that day may come.»

After leaving the group room the members chattered on the outside

steps of Julius`s home before dispersing. Only Tony and Pam

headed toward the coffee shop.

Pam was fixated on Philip. She was not mollified by Philip`s

statement that she had been unlucky to have met him. Moreover,

she hated his compliment on her interpretation of the parable and

hated even more that she had enjoyed getting it. She worried that

the group was swinging over to Philip—away from her, away from

Julius.

Tony felt elated—he voted himself the MVP—the meeting`s

most valuable player; maybe he`d skip the bar scene tonight—try

to read one of the books Pam had given him.

Gill watched Pam and Tony walk down the street together.

He (and Philip of course) were the only ones Pam had not hugged

at the end of the meeting. Had he crossed her too much? Gill

turned his attention to tomorrow`s wine–tasting event—one of

Rose`s big nights. A group of Rose`s friends always got together at

this time of the year for a sampling of the year`s best wines. How

to negotiate that? Just swish the wine and spit it out? Pretty tough

to pull that off. Or come right out with the truth? He thought of his

AA sponsor: he knew how the conversation between them would

go:

Sponsor:Where`re your priorities? Skip the event, go to a

meeting.

Gill:But wine tasting is the reason these friends get together.

Sponsor:Is it? Suggest another activity.

Gill:Won`t work. They won`t do it.

Sponsor:Then get new friends.

Gill:Rose won`t like it.

Sponsor:So?

Rebecca said to herself:Real stuff in, real stuff out. Real stuff

in, real stuff out. Must remember that. She smiled when she

thought about Tony counting his money when she had talked about

her flirtation with whoredom. Secretly she had gotten a kick out of

that. Was it bad faith to accept an apology from him?

Bonnie, as always, hated to see the meeting come to an end.

She was alive those ninety minutes. The rest of her life seemed so

tepid. Why was that? Whymust librarians lead dull lives? Then she

thought about Philip`s statement about what you are, what you

have, and what you represent to others. Intriguing!

Stuart relished the meeting. He was entering full–bodied into

the group. He repeated to himself the words he had said to Rebecca

about how her looks served as a barrier to knowing her and that he

had recently seen something deeper than her skin. That was good.

That was good. And telling Philip that his cold kind of consolation

had made him shiver.That was being more than a camera. And

then there was the way he had pointed out the tension between

Pam and Philip. No, no, that was camera stuff.

On his walk home Philip struggled to avoid thinking of the

meeting, but the events were too heady to screen out. In a few

minutes he caved in and permitted his thoughts free rein. Old

Epictetus had caught their attention. He always does. Then he

imagined hands reaching out and faces turned toward him. Gill had

become his champion—but not to be taken seriously. Gill

wasn`tfor him but instead wasagainst Pam, trying to learn how to

defend himself against her, and Rose, and all other women.

Rebecca had liked what he had said. Her handsome face lingered

briefly in his mind. And then he thought of Tony—the tattoos, the

bruised cheek. He had never met anyone like him—a real

primitive, but a primitive who is beginning to comprehend a world

beyond everydayness. And Julius—was he losing his sharpness?

How could he defend attachment while acknowledging his

problems of overinvestment in Philip as a patient?

Philip felt jittery, uncomfortable in his skin. He sensed that

he was in danger of unraveling. Why had he told Pam that she was

unlucky to have met him? Is that why she had spoken his name so

often in the meeting—and demanded that he face her? His former

debased self was hovering like a ghost. He sensed its presence,

thirsting for life. Philip quieted his mind and slipped into a walking

meditation.