"Hamilton,.Laurell.K.-.Anita.Blake.-.12.-.Incubus.Dreams" - читать интересную книгу автора (Hamilton Laurell K)

I wrapped my arms around him, held him tight, rested my forehead in the bend of his neck, rubbed my face against the incredible smoothness of his skin. УIТm trying not to lose more pieces of myself, but itТs like I canТt stop. I felt nothing tonight, except guilt that I felt nothing. How crazy is that?Ф
He kept hugging me. УItТs only crazy if you think itТs crazy, Anita.Ф
That made me draw back enough to see his face. УWhatТs that mean?Ф
He touched my face, gently. УIt means that if your life works, and you work in it, then itТs okay, whatever is happening is okay.Ф
I frowned, then laughed, then frowned again. УIТm not sure a therapist would agree with that.Ф
УAll I know is that since I met you, IТve felt safer, happier, and better than I have in years.Ф
УYou said safer; funny, IТd think that would be how Nathaniel would order it, safer, then happy.Ф
УI may be your Nimir-Raj and a dominant, but, Anita, I spent years at the mercy of Chimera. He was crazy and a sociopath. IТve seen the real thing, Anita, and you are neither of those things.Ф He smiled when he said it and gave a little duck of his head, almost like an old gesture that heТd nearly outgrown. It showed his profile for a moment, and because I was in the mood to pick, I asked something IТd been debating on for weeks.
I traced the bridge of his nose. УWhen I first met you, your nose looked like it had been badly broken. I assumed that meant it had happened when you were human, but your nose is getting straighter, isnТt it?Ф
УYes,Ф and his voice was soft when he said it. There was no smile now, not even the confusing one. His face had closed down. IТd begun to realize that this was how he looked when he was sad. IТd met Chimera, hell, IТd killed him. HeТd been one of the most insane beings IТd ever met. This from a list that included self-deluded would-be gods and millenia-old master vampires, not to mention wereanimals that were both sexual sadists and sexual predators, in the truest sense of the word. So, that I would put Chimera near the top of my crazy-bad-guy list said just how awful he had been. I could not imagine being at his mercy for any length of time. I hadnТt enjoyed a few hours. Micah and his pard had been with Chimera for years. IТd avoided this topic, because it was so obviously painful for all of them, but especially for Micah. But tonight, for so many reasons, I needed to know. I needed, almost, to cause him some pain. Ugly, but true.
Sometimes you fight what you are, and sometimes you give in to it. And some nights you just donТt want to fight yourself anymore, so you pick someone else to fight.


6

We ended up standing at the far side of the parking lot, where trees grew in a tall, thin line. Fast-growing maples, with their yellow leaves, dancing in the October wind. My hair was so tight in its French braid that the wind could do little with it, but MicahТs hair streamed around his face, like a thick, dark cloud. HeТd taken off his glasses, and the streetlights made his eyes very yellow, even with the green shirt on, as if they reflected the light differently than they should have, or would have, if theyТd been human eyes.
The wind was cool and held that crisp autumn scent. What I wanted to do was take his hand and walk out into the night until we found some woods. I wanted to go walking out into the darkness and let the wind take us where it wanted us to go. My bad mood seemed to have faded on the cool night wind, or maybe it was the sight of him, his face nearly lost in a cloud of his own hair. Whatever it was, I didnТt want to fight anymore.
УYouТre right, my nose is healing.Ф His voice held that hint of bitter laughter to it. That tone that matched that confusing smile.
I touched his arm. УIf this is hard, you donТt have to.Ф
He shook his head and put a hand up at his hair, impatient, angry, as if he was mad at the hair for getting in his face. I thought he was probably angry at me, but I didnТt ask. I didnТt really want to know if the answer was yes.
УNo, you asked, IТll answer.Ф
I took back my hand and let him talk, let him open the bag that IТd wanted opened, so badly, only minutes ago. Now, IТd have let it go to wipe that look off his face.
УDo you know why my hairТs long?Ф
It was such an odd question, that I answered it. УNo, I guess I thought you liked it that way.Ф
He shook his head, one hand caught in the hair near his face, so he could keep the wind from chasing it across his face. УWhen Chimera took over a group of shapeshifters, he used torture, or the threat of torture, to control us. If the head of the group could withstand the torture, then heТd torment weaker members. Use their harm as a way to control the alphas in the group.Ф
He was quiet for so long that I had to say something. УI know he was a sadistic bastard. I remember what he did to Gina and Violet, to keep you and Merle under control.Ф
УYou only know part of it,Ф he said, and his eyes had a distant look, so far away. He was remembering, and it wasnТt pretty.
I hadnТt meant to bring this on. I hadnТt. УMicah, I didnТt mean . . .Ф
УNo, you wanted to know. You can know.Ф He took in a breath so deep it made him shudder. УOne of his favorite torments was gang rape. Those of us who wouldnТt participate, he made us grow our hair long. Said, if we wanted to act like women, we should look like women.Ф
I thought about that for a second. УYou and Merle are the only men in your pard that have long hair.Ф
He nodded. УI think Caleb enjoyed it, and Noah, well,Ф he shrugged. УWe all did things that we didnТt like, just to stay alive. To stay whole.Ф
I couldnТt think much less of Caleb, but it made me think less of Noah. I didnТt know what to say out loud. But Micah didnТt need me to talk anymore. The story was started, and he would tell it now, whether I wanted to hear it or not. It was my own damn fault, so I listened and gave him the only thing I could at this pointЧmy attention. Not horror, not pity, just my attention. Horror was redundant, and pityЧno one likes pity.
УYou talked to Chimera, to more than one of his faces. You know how conflicted he was.Ф
I nodded, then said, УYes.Ф
УPart of him was the ultimate male bully, and that part raped women. Part of him was gay, and the two parts hated each other.Ф
Chimera had given the idea of split personality a whole new meaning, because each personality had had a different physical form. Until IТd met him, seen it for myself, IТd have said it was impossible.
УI remember that part of him wanted me to be his mate, and part of him didnТt seem much interested in girls.Ф
Micah nodded. УExactly.Ф
I was almost afraid of where this was going, but IТd started it. If he could tell the story, I could hear it, all of it.
УHe didnТt just rape women,Ф Micah said, Уbut strangely, he would only rape a man if he were already gay. It was as if he only wanted the sex the person enjoyed to be used against them.Ф He shrugged, but it turned into a shiver. УI didnТt understand it. I was just grateful to not be on his list of victims.Ф He shivered again.
УDo you want my jacket?Ф I asked.
He gave a small smile. УI donТt think itТs that kind of cold.Ф
I reached out to touch him, and he stepped back, out of reach. УNo, Anita, let me finish. If you touch me, IТll get distracted.Ф
I wanted to say, let me touch you, let me distract you, but I didnТt. I did what he asked. No one to blame but myself. If IТd kept my mouth shut, weТd be inside dancing, instead . . . when was I going to learn to leave well enough alone? Probably never.
УBut somewhere in all that mess Chimera called his mind, he was angry at me. I wouldnТt help him torture, wouldnТt help him rape. But I wouldnТt sleep with him voluntarily either, though he asked. I think he liked me, wanted me, and because his own twisted rules kept him away from me, he found other ways to amuse himself at my expense.Ф
He touched his face, as if searching it with his fingertips, almost as if he were surprised at what he found. As if it wasnТt the face he was expecting to find. УI canТt even remember what it was that Gina wouldnТt do. I think he wanted her to seduce an alpha of another pack that he wanted to own. She refused, and instead of taking it out on her, he took it out on me. He beat me bad enough that he broke my nose, but I healed, fast.Ф
УAll lycanthropes heal fast,Ф I said.
УI seem to heal faster than most, not as fast as Chimera did, but close. He thought it had something to do with how easily we could both go from one form to another. He was probably right.Ф
УMakes sense,Ф I said. My voice was utterly calm, as if we were talking about the weather. The trick to hearing awful memories is not to be horrified. The only one allowed to have emotion is the one doing the telling. This listener has to be cool.
УThe next time I refused to help him rape someone, he broke my nose again. I healed again. Then he made it a game. Every time I refused an order, he beat me worse, always in the face. One day, he finally said, ТIТm going to ruin that pretty face. If I canТt have it, and you wonТt use it on anybody else, then IТll just ruin it.Т But I kept healing.Ф