"Harry Harrison & Robert Sheckley - Bill the Galactic Hero 3 " - читать интересную книгу автора (Harrison Harry)

"Then what would be the use of inferential circuitry with which I have been fitted out at great expense?
Anyhow, it was clear to me that a fine upstanding military type like you would be happy to volunteer for
hazardous duty, despite the minor impairment to your foot."
"You were wrong," Bill said.
A ripple passed across the computer's vision plate, almost like a shrug. "Well," it said, "mistakes happen,
don't they?"
"That's not good enough!" Bill shouted, thumping the computer's vision plate with a large fist. "I'll tear
out your lying transistors." He thumped the vision plate again. This time it flashed red.
"Trooper," the computer said in a gruff voice. "Stand to attention."
"What?" said Bill.
"You heard me. I am a military computer with the veritable rank of full colonel. You are an enlisted man.
You have to address me in a respectful manner or you'll be in a lot worse trouble than you are already."
Bill gulped. Officers were all alike, even when they were computers.
"Yes sir," he said, and stood to attention.
"Now, since you don't think the procedure was fair, what do you suggest we do?"
"Let's draw for it," Bill said. "Or you pick a volunteer at random from all the men in the base."
"That would satisfy you?"
"Yes, it would."
"OK, here goes." The computer's vision screen lit up in a jagged lightning bolt of conflicting colors.
Names flashed by on the screen. There was a sound like a roulette ball rolling around a croupier's wheel.
"OK," the computer said. "We got a winner."
"Fine," Bill said. "Can I go now?"
"Sure. Good luck, soldier."
Bill opened the door. Outside there were two extremely large and beetle-jawed MPs. They took Bill by
either arm.
"As you may have gathered," the computer said, "you won the second drawing, too."
Not long after that, a large trooper with a small claw at the end of one foot, could be seen struggling in
the arms of two MPs. The trooper was brought to a reviewing stand where several generals were
standing, waiting for something to review.
Bill opened up his mouth to scream. One of the MP's drove his elbow into Bill's kidneys.


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 Bill, the Galactic Hero on the Planet of Bottled Brains

The other MP went for the liver.
When Bill recovered consciousness a few seconds later, in response to having his nose tweaked violently,
the first MP leaned over him and said, "Look, buddy, you're going on that ship. The only question is, do
you go on in one piece or do we cripple you first so you won't make a scene in front of the brass?"
"They hate scenes," the second MP said. "We do, too."
"They blame us when the volunteers make a fuss," the first MP said.
"Maybe we should just cripple him and not take any chances," the first MP said.
"Maybe we could just fracture his voice box."
"No, he could still make obscene gestures."
"I guess you're right." Both MPs paused to roll up their sleeves.
"Don't bother," Bill said. "Just put me aboard the ship."
"First you got to go up to the reviewing stand and shake the generals' hands and tell them how glad you
was to volunteer."
"Let's get it over with," Bill said.