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The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse

by Robert Rankin




1

'Once upon a time,' said the big fat farmer, 'it was all fields around here.'

The traveller glanced all around and about. 'It's still all fields,' said he.

'And there you have it.' The farmer grinned, exposing golden teeth. 'Nothing ever changes in these parts.
Nothing. Nor will it ever. And so much the better for that, says I. Though so much the worse, say others.
It all depends on your point of view. But isn't this ever the way?'

'I suppose that it is.' The traveller nodded politely. He was hot and he was weary. He had wandered
many miles this day. His feet were sore and he was hungry. He took off his blue felt cap and mopped it
over his brow.

'The colour's coming out of your cap,' the farmer chuckled. 'Your forehead's gone all blue.'

'Which, you must agree, is different,' said the traveller. 'And admits, at the very least, to the possibility of
change in these parts.'

'On the contrary.' The farmer dug about in his voluminous patchworked smock, brought forth something
chew-able and thrust it into his mouth for a chew. 'To me it admits something else entirely. To me, it
admits that you, a ruddy-faced lad--'

'Tanned,' said the lad. 'Tanned from travel.'

'All right, tanned, then. That you, a tanned lad, of, what would it be, some sixteen summers?'

'Thirteen,' said the travelling lad. 'I'm tall for my age. Thirteen I am, which is lucky for some.'

'All right then yet again. That you, a tanned lad, thirteen years and lucky for some, scrawny-limbed
and--'

'Spare,' said the tall, tanned lad. 'Spare of frame and wiry of limb and--

'Dafter than a box of hair,' said the farmer. 'That you are a gormster and a dullard, with a most inferior
cap, who understands little of the world and will surely come to grief in a time not too far distant.'

'Oh,' said the lad. 'Indeed?'

'Indeed.' The farmer spat with practised ease across the field of flowering crad. 'Nothing ever changes in
these parts and there's a truth for you to be going along with.'
 'And going along I mean to be.' The lad wrung sweat from his most inferior cap and replaced it upon his
tanned and heated head. 'Just as soon as you have furnished me with answers to questions I must ask.