affection, aided by my natural mildness, was scarcely sufficient to
prevent my seeking, by fresh offenses, a return of the same
chastisement; for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart
and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I was
well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have
produced a quite contradictory effect; but from a man of his
disposition this was not probable, and if I abstained from meriting
correction, it was merely from a fear of offending Miss Lambercier,
for benevolence, aided by the passions, has ever maintained an
empire over me which has given law to my heart.
This event, which, though desirable, I had not endeavored to
accelerate, arrived without my fault; I should say, without my
seeking; and I profited by it with a safe conscience; but this second,
was also the last time, for Miss Lambercier, who doubtless had some
reason to imagine this chastisement did not produce the desired
effect, declared it was too fatiguing, and that she renounced it for
the future. Till now we had slept in her chamber, and during the
winter, even in her bed; but two days after another room was
prepared for us.
Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight
years old, from the hand of a woman of thirty, should influence my
propensities, my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and
that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been
expected? The very incident that inflamed my senses, gave my desires
such an extraordinary turn, that, confined to what I had already
experienced, I sought no further, and, with blood boiling with
sensuality almost from my birth, preserved my purity beyond the age
when the coldest constitutions lose their sensibility; long tormented,
without knowing by what, I gazed on every handsome woman with delight;
imagination incessantly brought their charms to my remembrance, only
to transform them into so many Miss Lamberciers. Even after having
attained the marriageable age this odd taste still continued and drove
me nearly to depravity and madness.
If ever education was perfectly chaste, it certainly that I
received; my three aunts were of exemplary prudence. My father, it
is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of the last than
the present century. At M. Lambercier's a good maidservant was
discharged for having once made use of an expression before us which
was thought to contain some degree of indelicacy. I entertained a
particular aversion for courtesans, nor could I look on a rake without
a degree of disdain mingled with terror. My aversion for lewdness went
so far, since one day I walked through a hollow in the road at Petit
Sacconez; I saw on both sides cavities in the earth and was told
that it was there the people did their pairing. When I thought of
it, it came to my mind, that I had seen dogs in a similar situation,
and my heart revolted at the remembrance.
These prejudices of education, proper in themselves to retard the
first explosions of a combustible constitution, were strengthened,
as I have already hinted, by the effect the first moments of
sensuality produced in me, for notwithstanding the troublesome
